Sometimes it Takes What it Takes; You Can Never Fault Yourself For That

     This is the blog, on which I write relationship related topics.  One might think, why does she think she knows so much?  Well, actually I do.
     Sometimes, it takes a long time, to get out of a relationship, that is not a good one, where you know you are not being treated right by someone.  I guess, in Meher Baba's teachings, it could be the karma or sanscaras you have with them, sex making sanscaras, or subtle impressions, heavier, especially not in marriage.  Sometimes, the ties in a marriage are hard to break, but if you live with someone for years, it is really the same as a marriage, a common law marriage, so truthfully, if you count one of those, I have been married twice, although only once legally, to my children's father, and I kept his name, but it was very functional, if not the best marriage, and by functional, I mean we got things done.  In my second long relationship, everything was completely dysfunctional.  
     Sometimes God does for you, what you cannot do for yourself, but sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what you want, and one can feel very ambivalent, especially if no matter how many times you say you want to end it, the other party tries to talk you into staying in the relationship.
     When that happens, it is really hard, especially if you have any feeling for this person.  In my case, it was like this person was never nice to me, and then suddenly, because I wanted out, which I had plenty of chances for, he was suddenly after years, saying, "I love you..." and writing me long letters, crying, etc..  Eventually, I was able to disentangle myself, but not easily at all.
     You see, I knew deep down, that if I were to take him back, he would just go back to old behavior, and go back to the woman he had already left me for, and when I didn't take him back, I think he finally did.  I am not sure, and I really don't care.  At the end, I really cared way more about my kids, which is as it should be.  I put my kids first, but not always, not until I finally got a grip, and grew up, snapped out to myself.
      One should never fault oneself, for loving someone, nor should they blame themselves for not leaving a bad relationship sooner, or for being in it at all.  If you ever did a twelve step program, in step four, we take an inventory of our resentments, and we look for our own part in each one, finding through 
that process, our own short comings and character defect, steps six and seven, and we also discovered our own wrong doings, which led us to step five, admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the nature of our wrongs, kind of like going to confession, only it just has to be a trusted person, sponsor, or counselor, who you can trust to take your secret to the grave, but secrets if told to no one ever, make us sick.  It is a burden to carry terrible secrets.
     Sometimes, you might find that the part you played was just being needy enough, or codependent enough to stay involved in something unhealthy.  But, it takes what it takes and how long it takes.  You hit bottom when you do, and that is all there is to it.
     Mind you, I am not talking about anyone else, only my own experience.
     Another thing I want to mention, which is a topic big enough for a blog, in and of itself.  That is how family cannot really support you, when you are emotionally unwell.  If you are physically sick, they can, and do, but people really cannot deal with mental sickness, ( I mean most people) so if you get sick mentally, emotionally, you can end up really alone in that, because no one knows how to help you.  So, maybe if they would really support you, you would be okay, but they can't, and so you just get sicker, until you are broken.  They don't mean to be this way.  They just can't deal with you, and the mental health system is all you have.  
     Many times people are really not that sick, they just need support, but family is usually only supportive when things are good.  And, like I say, it is not their fault.  They just don't understand.  
     Well, I am going to try to enjoy the beautiful day, and get some sunshine and fresh air.  Much love.  Namaste.