Sometimes, if I think someone slighted me, or blew me off, chances are I did the same to them, even if I did not mean to. In their own mind, perhaps I did. My son made me realize that I had possibly made a friend feel blown off. I never meant to, and was not doing that, at all. I mean, I was not meaning to, but then my ego turned it all around into a discombobulated mess, as the ego always does. The ego is like this sneaky enemy.
I guess people, and by people, I mean me included, are afraid of rejection, but everyone else is vulnerable and afraid and alone too, in a sense, and we're kind of all in the same boat, trying to deal with illusion, and one another.
The reason A Course in Miracles is called that, is because of the miracles we learn, without trying, the workbook lessons just become a part of us. For example, if I attack my brother or sister, face to face, or by backbiting, I am attacking myself. Also, love holds no grievances, and I need to remember to ask God to help me see this differently.
Sometimes, the lesson comes, without you looking for it, nor trying to be spiritual, because it is not like that. And, it isn't about just trying to be this real good person, in a moral sense, although there is that too, in a way, but it is more like an awareness of other people, of what love is, and how the ego gets in our way. Of course, I know that we cannot live without our ego, and has its psychological purpose, as the psychology scholars explain, so I am not saying one can totally throw one's ego out the window, but the thing we can do, is observe, observe our actions, our motives, and even our thoughts.
Are we being unfair to another? Are we judging them, for any reason? Are we looking for fault in them? Do we feel they did not meet our expectations of some kind? Are we harboring a resentment? Have we made an amends for our part?
I am not saying to be a doormat, or a wimp, in any way. I am only saying, let's watch out for how we are thinking and acting. As Meher Baba wrote, in His prayer of repentance, "for every deed and word and thought (notice the word thought) inspired by selfishness, and for every deed and word and thought inspired by hatred.
I think that hatred, which is the opposite of love, is fear, which is the opposite of love, but truthfully hate is not always the opposite of love, but cruelty is.
I guess you can love someone so much, you hate them. My ex-husband once told me, "I love you, but I don't like you." I realize that is not so great, but that's just my story again, which I need to let go of. I am, as I always remind myself, not my story, although my story can give me some reference about certain situations, or analogies if you will.
Remember, when you think someone hurt you, perhaps you hurt them too, even if you did not mean to. There is no black and white. There is a gray area to all things, except blatant cruelty and persecution.
Sometimes people practically 'crucify' others with backbiting, character assassination, ostracism, judgment, ganging up, but even if you are the brunt of this treatment, and I have before, remember that it often is jealousy, immaturity, and fear. Your just being, somehow threatens their self worth. The only reason for talking bad about others, is jealousy, if it is in some sort of clique fashion. It is like grammar school, less mature than high school, but it goes on still.
I was talking to a friend my age, who I had not hung out with in a while, and I brought up how just a few years ago, we had to, or chose to I mean, put down a peer, because a close mutual friend was jealous of her, and we talked about how we were acting like high school girls then, but we were over forty, so it was crazy, but we just wanted to placate our friend. Of course, then it was me they did not like anymore. But, I have forgotten, and we are still friends.
This fear, which causes a lack of love, reminds me, or brings to mind, a disturbing short story, which I read, by Alice Munro. Two little girls don't like this little girl with down syndrome, for no good reason. Listening to the story, I see it so vividly, and Verna, the little girl who has down syndrome, is some sort of imaginary threat to this little girl, who tells the story in first person, and she does not say down syndrome, but I know from the description, that that is the case. Every time, in Alice Munro's amazing writing, that Verna is described, I see this innocent, sweet child, trying to play with her, but she and her friend treat her at summer camp, like she must be avoided, even though she did nothing to them, and sounds so sweet, and she along with the special ed. kids, seems almost bewildered, adjusting to summer camp. Yet, they make her into this enemy. I can see her smiling sweetly, in her pink bathing camp, swimming towards them, the last day of summer camp. The story is called Child's Play, and is a tragedy.
I guess, what I am saying is that fear, as I keep referring to, is the opposite of love. The girls in the story, childishly use the words persecuting them, to describe Verna, but she is doing nothing to them, except smiling sweetly, and trying to be their friend. I know this is an incredibly depressing short story, but it portrays what I am saying.
Jesus was hated, and crucified, and I suppose they were afraid, threatened, of whatever or whoever they thought He was, or claimed, or did not claim to be, and yet He was only loving, peaceful, and turned the other cheek. Verna, in the story, to me, is like an analogy of Jesus. This is my own interpretation, and truthfully I hated the story, because it disturbed me so much.
So, back to my own short comings. I have failed before to see the good, others vulnerabilities, and have been self righteous, selfish and self-centered. When you care about someone at all, you don't have to throw the towel in, and make yourself the victim. I can only thank my son for helping me to see things more clearly, because young people are very aware of human nature, even when it comes to people their parents' age. I think we should sometimes, listen to the young. They have good insight. David certainly does, not always, but often.
Much love. Namaste. And, I am sorry if I have been hypocritical or self-righteous, or even pseudo spiritual. I know I am very far from perfect, but I try to observe and do my best.
No comments:
Post a Comment