"Let in the light it will heal you and you will feel you, you can be happy..." Chris Williamson: Song of the Soul
When I am worried or upset, fearful or just sad, I have some mantras or things I tell myself, and these may be helpful to you too. Recently, a friend of mine paid for a twenty minute psychic reading for me at a psychic fair they had in town. I was allowed to ask three questions, and most of the time ended up being about the first question, which was about someone else close to me. I used the word 'bleak' about the future, and she said I was putting a judgment on it.
This was a new concept for me. I knew about judgment and letting go of it from yoga and a Course in Miracles, but I suppose I had forgotten in all my worries and conflicts. So, I would say that number one would be letting go of judgment. Every time you have a negative thought, just say 'judgment' and let it go.
The second thing to remember is 'feelings are not facts.' I love that saying, which of course you have probably heard before. It is a common saying in Alcoholics Anonymous, and it is very true. Just because you feel a certain way, it does not mean what you feel is exactly what is.
Number three would be to remember that 'this too shall pass.' Everything does. This is both an old fashioned expression, but also one used in twelve step programs. Everything does come to pass, and this is true.
Number 4: There is always someone who has it worse. Sometimes I feel bad that I have RP, and that I gave it to my kids genetically. However, there are terrible birth defects and cancers, which can also be congenital or 50/50 chance of inheriting. Many of these are far worse than retinitis pigmentosa, even though RP is certainly not a good thing. Forgive me for making a judgment. See, there it is again.
5: Remember the Bob Dylan song from his 'born again Christian' era in the eighties, Serve Somebody? Sometimes just getting out of self for awhile can help. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Give someone a ride who does not have a car. Ask an old person or a blind person if they need anything at the store. Call someone who has not been feeling well, and ask them how they are doing. Help someone less fortunate than you are.
6: Do not call five different people and tell them your problems. Everyone would have different advice, and that would be confusing. Trust your own gut. Believe what your higher mind or higher self tells you. Get in touch with your inner life through meditation and solitude. Pause. Also, remember that if you make a decision based on what just momentarily feels better, knowing that the facts make it a bad decision, like taking back a partner you are attached to knowing it did not ever work, then this is not a good decision, only a fix for your addiction, a momentary 'feel better.' You might ask one person, one confidant like a counselor, and just make a decision right or wrong. I have made myself sick in my younger days, chewing over a decision until I had no decision left to make. I was not empowering myself, because I was so full of fear of abandonment. Fear is everything love is not, so let go of fear and stand strong. The best decisions can feel terrible and wrong, but 'this too shall pass,' and the rewards will be paramount.
7: Exercise when you do not feel like it. Get a lot of rest. Drink plenty of water. Take vitamins. Take long baths, and then dry off in a luxurious spa robe. Eat healthy food. Get a haircut or a manicure. Put lotion all over your body. Wear sunscreen. Protect your eyes. Love yourself. Buy yourself a treat once in a while if you can afford it. It does not have to be expensive. A box of incense is enough of a treat for me sometimes.
The eighth way to be happier is a big one. Expectations are a real way to become unhappy. It is not good to have expectations. It is important to ask things of people and want them to do their best as well as yourself. Just do not get upset when people do not meet your expectations, even you.
This leads me to nine, which is, do not have resentments. We all do, but you need to write it down and put it in a God box. Let it go. 'Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.' It is also 'renting space to others in your head.' It only hurts you.
Number 10 finally: "How 'bout getting off these antibiotics..." Alanis Morrisett, a metaphor meaning 'anti-life.' Surround yourself only with positive and healthy people. Clean house. Get rid of toxic people, places and things. Purge. Get rid of it. Trust yourself when you feel bad vibes. Use a sage stick to smudge the bad vibes away. Burn a candle. Sing, do yoga and meditate. Listen to music. Watch a comedy or your favorite TV show or movie. Walk in the garden, and pick up a wounded butterfly like I did the other day. Smell the roses. Notice the honeysuckle when you are weeding. Feel the gentle breeze. Do sun salutations, cartwheels on the beach. Pet a cat, a dog. The suggestions are infinite, but mostly just appreciate life. It does not last forever. Namaste.
American commerce is a big thing. I do not usually like to discuss money, but it seems like when I have too much stuff, I do not have enough money, and when I have less stuff, clothing, blankets, CD's or you name it, I can pay my bills with more ease.
When I was growing up in the sixties and seventies, we had so few clothes, one jacket, one pair of jeans, one pair of shoes, shorts were cut-off jeans, and you wore hand-me-downs. This was because 1) clothes were more expensive then, and 2) I grew up in a rural area without any nearby stores. You picked stuff up at a Sears pick up place, and there was one major department store about thirty minutes away called 'Chapin,' which is today closed. They had everything from food to hardware to clothing for every member of the family.
When I was in my early twenties, I lived in Los Angeles, was married, worked and had a baby in daycare. However, we were really poor, and I had very few clothes. The ones I did have were outdated and out of style. I must have looked like such a small town girl.
Once, however, I received fifty dollars from my mother for Christmas in the mail. I went down to Melrose Avenue, and I bought a pair of black stretch skinny jeans. Believe it or not, they were a size three. I wore those pants a lot. But, back to present.
I guess I cannot seem to balance my obtaining and purging process. Just when I think I have it down to a science, I think I need something. However, I can go a long time with things falling apart before I break down and get another. Part of that is transportation, and the other half is financial. I am still wondering who I will get to do carpentry around here.
I guess the thing to think about is, 'do I need this?' I guess need is more important than want in the big picture.
So this has been a big project for me. Not only finally did I get a new bed thanks to family members, but I have been getting rid of stuff I do not need or want.
I read numerous blogs to help me figure out the best ways to do this. Some of the minimalists were just too minimal for me. I mean for me, one pair of jeans is so not enough.
I did learn the basics of clothes purging though. 1) If it does not fit now, it is probably not going to. 2) If you have not worn it in a year, out it goes. 3) If it is worn out and pilled. 4) If it is too trendy or young for you now. 5) If it is just good memories, take a picture. It will last longer, lol, except something like my son Teddy's wolf cub shirt with all its badges. I even bought a little box just for this and the ascot as well. I also saved my other son David's swim team sweatshirt and tee-shirt, as well as his North Myrtle Beach High School icon patch for being a senior athlete. That is different however. I did keep a leather jacket that my ex husband bought me as a birthday gift more than twenty years ago, as well as a Victoria's Secret fuchsia bathrobe, given to me by a long term boyfriend, because they were in perfect condition, really nice gifts, and very expensive and hard to replace. Back on the list, 6) If it has bad memories or a vibe you do not like, 7) you just do not like it, 8) it does not look good (you have to try things on), 9) It is not your style anymore, such as a suit when you no longer work in an office or a million yoga outfits if you do not teach yoga anymore, so you only need a couple, and 10) you just have way too many and have to part with some of them, whether it be tee-shirts or leggings. Just keep the ones you really like.
Now I want to talk about the things that can go wrong. You sometimes can get carried away and give up something you really like. I have been known to ask the Goodwill if they had seen a certain thing I wanted back. Never any luck. I have even practically dived back into a giveaway bin to retrieve a blouse I did not mean to give.
Recently, I did not go this far, but I was doing this great job of getting rid of stuff, and I got rid of a baby blue hoodie, a men's one, small. I really wanted it back, and could not find one, but I ultimately found one like it, only it's a pullover rather than zip up, and a different brand, but cheap and same color and size, also from the men's department. Sometimes women can buy certain unisex items cheaper like a hoodie, in the men's department, that are really nice.
Usually I just forget about what I part with, but I had this whole experience with one other item, and I suppose it was just attachment or the grass greener. I had to get rid of some long sleeve jersey tops, because I had so many. I got rid of a couple of shirts I had worn and worn for the last ten years or more, one burgundy and easy to replace, which was really worn out, and one navy and gray striped sweater with very elegant navy ribbed cuffs that were very long. It had a plunging V-neck. It was pilled and I was sick of it, and had been slightly annoyed and bored with it every time I tried to wear it in the last two years or more. Still, I got in my head, that it was just the greatest shirt, and if I could only have that one thing, I'd give away everything, not really, lol, but practically.
Long story short, I found one just as nice on Body Central, and my sister took me to the local shop here, and I was able to get one, and it is actually nicer by far than it said on the website in terms of material. I love it.
So, I hope this was interesting, although a bit light weight. I guess clothes can be interesting though. The moral of the story is, 'it's all good.'
I would like to talk more about living in a more minimalistic fashion. I realize it is not for everyone, but if you are on a fixed income or earning a low wage, but need to get by and live comfortably at the same time, I have some helpful hints.
First of all, unless it is broken, do not fix it. I admit I have some things that should be replaced some time in the near future, but they are doing for now, and only the really important things need a true repair.
I have examples of things that I personally can do without, but I realize that everyone has different needs and priorities based on life style, personality, family size, social life, etc.. As for me, I do not need a big coffee pot. My kids and myself get up at different times and prepare our own coffee. I have guests occasionally, but not usually big coffee drinkers. I like my coffee really fresh, so I just have a cone, but I have a small coffee maker put away in case I want to change methods. When I think or browse online for a new coffee maker of any kind, like a French press or a cappuccino maker or what have you, I have to ask myself, 'do I really need this?'
Then there is clothing. This is a really big one. I have always loved clothes since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was a kid, and I used to draw and color in detail, pictures of fabulous outfits and boots with intricate embroidery, embellishments and laces. However, my fashionista days may be over, although I still like clothes. When I go through my wardrobe, I have to ask myself, 'do I really like this anymore? Will I ever really wear this again? Do I really need a business suit still? An evening gown? I know we all do this, so I hope this is not too elementary, but I like being plain and to the point, rather than fancy and pretentious.
Then there are the skin and hair products. Yes, I need lotions and face cream as well as shampoo and conditioner, but I do not need twenty different bottles cluttering the shower.
The list goes on like, 'how many sets of sheets, towels, mugs, hangers, storage containers, (these are useful I must say though) do I really need? Actually, if you are decluttering, it is advised not to get more storage containers, because that is only reason to have more stuff. I took some baskets which contained a lot of useless objects, and put bricks in them in my back yard for decoration outside my back steps, just a creative idea of what to do with these attractive but no longer needed baskets.
If you have ever had a problem with roaches, especially the German variety, clutter is a huge culprit. If your kitchen counters are cluttered, it makes them harder to clean, and a perfect breeding ground for them to hide. Even the cupboards being more sparse, helps to remedy that situation, along with stuff like combat and raid.
So, if you like to shop in store or online, carefully discriminate whether you really need what you are looking at, can you afford it?, and do you already have something similar? With clothes, how many pairs of black pants does one person need? I admit I used to own a lot of clothes, still do, but not unreasonably, and truthfully, I only own one pair of dress shoes. I do not own a pair of sandals, although I have some flip flops. This is because I am legally blind, and it is safer for me to wear tennis shoes, so in the summer I wear canvas sneakers and slip-ons more than my flip flops. I own one white summer blazer and one autumn, winter blazer, well two if you include the black velvet. I own a few jackets, but mainly only one in gray, one in black and one in navy, including a brown leather and a black Dickies Sherpa hoodie for more sporty occasions like hiking and outdoors.
I am only giving an inventory of my clothing to explain my ideas on this subject, and the same goes for bathing suits, dance attire or yoga, whatever your thing is.
Well, what have I not covered? Broken stuff has to go, unless really expensive and hard to replace and a part is attainable via the internet for example, like my son's guitar parts.
I do not own a car. I have a gulf cart to get to the store. It is not easy not owning a car, but truthfully, even if I did, I would not be able to afford registration, tax and insurance, although I did once pay all that somehow. Still, I do afford myself certain luxuries which are my own priorities such as internet, cable, landline and the occasional new age workshop or yoga class.
Still, money is tight, and I do splurge once in a while on some treat, but becoming more and more disciplined is a good thing. We watch the news, all the people suffering in Iraq, Israel and the Gaza strip, and we have to be thankful and grateful every day, and pray for these poor souls. We also can have compassion for ourselves sometimes when life is hard, without wallowing, another luxury we cannot afford. I would love for you to join and follow my blogs if you have enjoyed this one. Shanti. Namaste. Much love.
There is a new way of living called being a minimalist. I am one of those people. Surprisingly, in a world where materialism is the norm, and people are trying to keep up with the Jones's, getting more bigger and better stuff, including cars, houses, etc., there is a new type of living which is becoming more popular. This is called minimalism.
For one thing, most people these days, have too much of everything, except maybe not much money. Many of us try to live beyond our means, and also drowning in stuff. That is right, stuff. For ten years, after I moved into my mobile home, I procrastinated on simplifying my existence.
Eventually, I began to go through everything with a fine tooth comb, getting rid of so much junk I moved into my home, as well as acquired everywhere from The Salvation Army to the Columbia Mall.
I will give examples of things people often have too much of or too many of: 1) clothes, 2) dishes and glasses, etc., mugs... 3) sheets and towels, 4) shoes, 5) hangers, and 6) cosmetics, beauty products and medications that are old and expired. Even perfumed oils and make-up have expiration dates, even if not written on them. The details of this would be a topic for another blog.
I guess what took me so long was all the personal complications and relationships in my life. And then, not that my life is easy or uncomplicated, my life became more peaceful. Or perhaps I did, maybe not externally, but in my own self. I found that I had time to clean and purge myself of all the junk. I went through my stuff, and I eliminated all the things I no longer needed or wanted. It was such a good feeling, and suddenly I had so much more space. I really believe the concept of Feng Shui, that it helps to get rid of clutter.
I saw a video and looked at a blog about these tiny houses people are now living in. Although, to be honest, I would love to have a bigger home and more space, but for now I have a place that is mine and beautiful, a haven that I can kick back in, that is mine, and that I can share with my kids. I might even get a cat again, one of these days.
I admit I read a lot, and I watch TV. I have recently read a good book by Phil McGraw, more commonly known as Dr. Phil. I learned a lot, and I totally agree with him about everything.
However, there are a lot of things I know, which have been learned through experience. No matter how bad you think your job, spouse, or place to live is, someone would love to have it. Also, there are many predators of all kinds in this world, and pecking orders. It is obvious when you watch who someone hangs around with or what they do and where, what their agenda is.
Many times we are just a part of someone's agenda. It is not necessary, however, to tell someone what you really think of them. I mean I have had friends who I totally lost respect for. If you think about the people you do not like, and you are really honest with yourself, and not trying to be politically correct, and if you trust your gut, you will realize why and I think we should all have boundaries. If someone is really full of themselves, you do not have to hang around them. We have a choice.
Another thing I know is that when people tell you what other people say about you, they talk about you too. You can simply say, "I don't want to hear this." Obviously, if they are so comfortable listening to crap or smack about you, they are not your friend either.
When someone leaves you for someone, consider yourself lucky. You are the winner. Do not be tempted to ever take him back. You are free, so enjoy it. Feel grateful, and end all communication. When this happened to me, I tried to take him back, my worst ex boyfriend that is, and it was a big mistake, because in my heart I did not want him back.
I am not a relationship expert. I only know what not to do, rather than what to do. I know what is acceptable, and what is not, and I know how far forgiveness can go. I also know now about rebounding.
Not everyone is bad or skanky or sneaky or evil. Some people are trustworthy and loving. However, these are hard to come by. I mean I think the bad people are more common than the good ones. If you have a keeper, you are lucky, and my hat is off to both of you.
People are so easy to read. You can even test them to see how they really feel about you, and if they look down upon you. Usually you are right. This is not a reason to hate, but I think it is a good reason to stay away from that person. People outgrow people, and that can happen, so do not feel guilty if you have to give up a friend for your own sanity.
Back to relationships of the romantic nature, if you are a fifty year old woman and very independent and sane, unless you are very rich or very unhealthy mentally, it will be nearly impossible to find a guy your age. Most men are attracted to either really unhealthy women or really rich women. So, they are not worth it either. The men who are attracted to really needy, unhealthy women, are unhealthy men.
If you are married, I commend you. Still, I would never want to be with some of the men I see some women choosing. I would not want to be with some of the women either, even if I were gay. It just bores me to tears when people are materialistic social climbers.
Also, do not tell anyone your professional plans. People will undermine you if they can. As I said previously, whatever you have, and however bad you think it is, there are still people who would want it. I mean I do not live in the most desirable neighborhood, but people often stop me when I am outside, while they are going by in their car, to see if I know of anything for rent or for sale.
I know a lot about raising kids too, and I made a lot of mistakes. Mine are grown. I did not do everything wrong. I will say this, if you are a single mom, do not let a man move in, because he will find some way to abuse your kids and you as well. He may also be an opportunist who will take advantage of you financially, like what happened to me. If you are married, then that is different.
Also, if your child is being bullied or preyed upon, take action. Do not be a dumbass about it, and sit there like an ineffectual lump. Do not be too critical of your children, and remember how lonely childhood can be, and how scary and hard it is to tell adults things. Be the protector that a caregiver should be. And, very importantly, believe your children. They need that validation. Otherwise, they could be scarred for life and need years of therapy. It is hard enough to end up well adjusted as it is.
To say something slightly funny, I read a blog about making friends. I was feeling I needed more friends. It said if you are not very well adjusted, people might shy away from you. It certainly made me question my own self. But, I feel I carry myself pretty highly in this world. At least, that is what a friend told me once. Who is not slightly neurotic, anyway?
I have some good suggestions for anyone taking the time for reading my blog. Write and say affirmations like: I am beautiful, I am kind, I will prosper, I will be healthy, I will attract friendship and love that is healthy, and I will nurture my higher self, doing only what is best for my highest good, including forgiving myself, forgiving others, and at the same time healing and having boundaries.
Meditate, eat well, do yoga, and believe in yourself. Be happy. There is nothing more one could want than health, happiness, and prosperity, the feeling of abundance and plenty, rather than scarcity. Rather than coming from a place of deprivation, physically or emotionally, how rich one could make one's life if one came from a place of abundance in all things. Namaste.
We have so much merchandise from China in American stores, because the labor is cheap of course, like slave labor, and the American dollar is worth much more than the Chinese money. The average Chinese person earns about $178 dollars a year. This explains why you can buy stuff online from China for only a few cents with free shipping.
Depending on the seller, free shipping can take up to a month. They say that after a month you can get a refund if the product has still not arrived. The types of things that are very cheap from China, are electronics, clothing, jewelry and accessories, both electronic and computer accessories and clothing accessories.
Some online shopping sites are easier than others. For example, with Amazon.com, you can cancel a purchase fairly easily, although returns are only possible if you have a printer, but sometimes they will have a carrier pick the item up, without you having to go to the post office.
I think with all businesses, phone and cable companies, etc., the customer service makes all the difference. I once talked to several people about my cable, phone and internet, before I could get a half decent deal on my bill. This was all with the same company.
Back to China, some sellers on ebay, ship fairly quickly, even when it is free shipping. The difficulty with ebay is that you have to contact the seller if there is any problem, and of course there is a time difference, so if it is India or China, it may be a while before you hear back, and calling is not an option, since overseas calling is way too expensive.
I think for these reasons, it is simpler to just buy from sellers with 100% positive feedback. All sellers have a seller rating, usually above 97%. You can even read the seller feedback on their profile. Buyers also get feedback, but sellers are not allowed to give bad feedback to buyers. I have heard that sometimes they do, but it gets removed.
I guess I am not that politically correct like my sister, who only buys 'made in the U.S.A..' The thing is that I like the idea of only buying made in the U.S., but the Chinese have things so cheap. It is hard to afford to buy everything made in the U.S..
So, as long as you do not mind waiting for a 'slow boat from China' to arrive with your leggings, scarves, pendants and purses, then it is a cheap and easy way to shop. However, I may not do a lot more business with China.
Another thing about the shipping, as anyone could tell you, if you contact the seller, and they say the item (or items) have been dispatched, this could mean a number of things. The item may just have been packed or is in the process of being packed or prepared for shipment. Technically, it means that a carrier has picked it up to take to a shipping facility. If it is free shipping, then it would be the cheapest way possible, which often means slow. Also, the less you spend, the less they will most likely spend on shipping for obvious reasons. The only way you know it is actually shipped, is when you get an email from the company, saying it is now marked as shipped. With Amazon.com, you get a shipping code to trace your package, and usually, unless it is from an independent seller like American Apparel, you can get texts to your cell phone on the progress as it reaches each shipping post. From China, this is not the case. A really good seller, may give you a shipping code, but not always. If you are anxious at all to get your purchase, you may not want to order from China. There are exceptions, though. I have received a package from India or China rather quickly, but this is not the typical event.
Happy shopping online and in store.
For a week you can be his girl,
It will be quite a whirl,
You might even think he cares for you,
But falsehood is all he ever knew.
He falls for jai baba's and all that's pretense,
But fails to see life for what it is, intense,
And the blind girl with hardship finds herself again,
Wondering why she ever let him take her for that spin.
He's a beatnik from the fifties, a hippie from the sixties,
He floats from one to another without even a care,
All lost, but really not that deep, in his theories,
But he is nothing rare.
She casts pearls before swine,
Not knowing she is truly and without reservation divine,
And she knows better than to doubt herself,
As her life depends on no one else.
He can't see reality, but she is not amazed,
She has seen so many people lost in a haze,
While she deals with the reality that she knows,
In what some might call impoverished and low.
But, underneath she is really a queen,
She is even 'tangerine,'
For she is gentle and kind,
And all the lies in life she's left behind.
For a week she can be his girl,
He can take her for quite a whirl,
And in the end it's all the same,
Just one more empty game.
Yesterday I was hanging out at the coffee shop, sipping Jamaican coffee, listening to CNN, and looking at fashion and cooking magazines. Sometimes I get a sense of how I currently want to dress, and then find out it is exactly what is in vogue.
The bohemian look is in. Peasant blouses, lacy sandals, ankle boots, denim overall shorts, intricate patterns, lace cardigans, jumpsuits and bell bottoms are all the style again in 2014.
For my birthday, 2012, I bought myself a Heidi Klum jumpsuit. It looked so great on the nearly six foot tall model. I bought it online, so I was not able to try it on. Although I realize the style was herum pants, the crotch was down to my knees. Believe it or not I wore it once anyway, because it was really comfortable. Then I just wore it around the house, but the black cotton material kind of stretched out. I was later to learn that a reviewer said the same thing on the sight, once looking again for a possibly smaller size, but deciding to opt out, and not try again on this one.
Finally I got rid of it, but the style was in theory great. So, now I am interested in jumpsuits again, after seeing a herum style jumpsuit in The New Yorker. This one was more tailored, sold at Macy's, less than you would think, about sixty dollars, modeled with a jacket that was not incredibly expensive either. So, naturally I seek a cheaper version of a similar thing.
Another thing is the beanie that is floppy, sort of Vermeer-like as if you would see a maiden stuff her hair inside in one of his wonderful, realist style paintings, very pretty.
So much on style for today. Happy Spring!
I realize that I have blogged on this before, but it is one of my favorite topics. When the chakras are balanced and open through yoga and meditation, it is easier to communicate, to understand, to be grounded, to heal and to feel compassion.
When you sit in a comfortable relaxation position, preferably on a yoga mat in lotus position with a candle and incense, eyes closed, you can visualize in your mind's eye. Some people find visualization nearly impossible. In that case, one can learn, but until then one can feel rather than visualize. Kirtan type music or meditation music can also help in such circumstances where a person is more audio. Also one can imagine textures such as velvet or silk, even sand and earth.
Hands outstretched on the knees, you focus on the root chakra, red. Located at the perineum, this chakra controls groundedness. Allowing a silver chord to go upward in meditation, the next chakra or sacral chakra, color orange, controls creativity and sexuality. Focus on opening and balance as the meditation continues upward.
Right at the stomach, between the ribs, is the solar plexus, yellow. This chakra controls energy and groundedness as well. Continuing to align all chakras with the silver chord, it now reaches up to the heart, which is green.
Imagine a staircase on which you travel down into this chakra in your chest, as though it were a cave and take a seat within your own heart. This meditation visualization I learned from Didier when I attended his class here at the beach.
The heart now open, you can continue up to the throat, blue or turquoise. This is the chakra of communication, speech and singing. Once a clear space is made here, you will be able to communicate better.
Now the silver chord continues up to the third eye, indigo, insight, inner knowledge and wisdom. Imagine purple, amethyst. This is sight beyond the physical eyes.
We continue up through the top of the head, the crown, white or gold. This is the seventh chakra, the highest of all. It is the chakra of compassion and divinity, Godliness.
Now we breath, our chakras flowing freely and balanced. Slowly come back from this meditation, opening the eyes. Bow to honor the light within for taking time to do this practice. Namaste.
This song is dedicated to my RP support group, my kids
and my dad, who also had RP, about what it is like deal-
ing with retinitis pigmentosa (losing eyesight).
March 21, 2014
Every day I'm losing ground,
One more loss when I'm lookin' around,
Like a needle in a haystack, it just can't be found,
And I'm sinking, I'm sinking down.
But I pray that I can be strong,
And I hope that you hear my song,
I know you feel the same way too,
Just the way I do.
Every night I hope and pray,
Wonder when the stars went away,
And all these colors faded away,
My eyes failing on a cloudy day.
But I pray that I can be strong,
And I hope that you hear my song,
I know you feel the same way too,
Just the way I do.
Lookin' at this gray black sky,
Hopin' that these dreams don't die,
This legacy just makes me want to cry,
But I got to hold my head, hold my head up high.
But I pray that I can be strong...
first verse again (two times)
But I pray that I can be strong...
Many people have regrets, and some have transcended these to some sort of philosophical outlook. I go back and forth between the two. I married the wrong person when I was very young, but I stayed with him, and I had children with him. It was pretty clear he did not love me, but I continued anyway.
When that finally ended, I got into a living together situation with another person who did not love me either, and also made it pretty clear by his actions and the way he treated me.
I am not a victim. Clearly, I chose this, but why? Psychologists say that people look for people who are incapable of loving them or who have qualities of their parent or parents that made them feel unloved, rejected or even abused. I do not know about all that. Still, due to low self-esteem, a person can think they do not have much worth or value, and therefore assume they are lucky to have someone, even if that someone treats them with disrespect.
A friend of mine called me several times to talk about his problems with various long term girlfriends, over the years. I noticed that each girlfriend he would tell me about, sounded so much like the last one, and was doing the same things as the last. I pointed this out to him, and I asked him, "what is it they have in common mostly? You. You are the one thing they truly have in common, so it is the fact that you are seeking out these types of women." I was pointing out that it may have been partly due to the way he was with women.
Hence, what I am saying is that I did not feel deserving of love for whatever reason, and therefore, I kept seeking out unloving partners for all the wrong reasons.
I continued in this pattern, and my relationships remained destructive and unhealthy. Once in a while, someone crossed my path, that things may have really worked with, but I never gave it enough energy, but continued to get involved with relationships that led absolutely nowhere and were disrespectful, until finally I just broke down and had enough.
I spoke to a pastor at this point. He told me that the next time a man showed me disrespect, to show him the door. I did this, and I truly took his advise, because I had really hit bottom. I was at the point of self-loathing, where you do not even know how you can live anymore. I was basing my own self-worth on how others treated me or thought of me. I took Reverend Jim Brown's words very, very seriously.
I know I am not a great success in the area of relationships, but that is not the point. The point is that I came through a lot, and I learned to respect myself. I stopped putting up with crap, putting up with people talking smack to me, whatever. Perhaps, I just grew up finally. I was forty-two years old when I had that talk with Reverend Brown, and things have not always been smooth sailing for me, but I did however, learn to say, "there's the door," and truly mean it, as well as learning to walk out that door if that were the case, and never look back. This does not make me hard, but it means that I am no longer naïve, and I will not stand for abuse of any kind. Once you make this decision that you are most important, then being alone is something you have to learn to not only accept, but to like, because you like yourself. Namaste.
I woke up early this morning, and I stayed in bed until 8:00, trying to go back to sleep, which is unusual for me, because I usually sleep late. Thoughts about the past started creeping back into my mind again, and I could not well weed them out this time.
The only conclusion I have come to is that if you spend too much time with another human being who is completely dysfunctional, you wind up feeling dysfunctional too, and perhaps even acting as if you are. That is one thing I recall about a particular experience from my own past.
I never talk about the past anymore. I know I am not my story. I know I cannot change anything that has happened, and so I have to look at everything as a lesson learned. This brings me back to what a friend of mine said recently, that karma is not payback exactly, or retribution, etc., but the true meaning is that if we do not learn certain lessons the first time, we repeat the same mistakes. I suppose the lessons and the pain of them is sort of the karma. We do not have to repeat any of that in this life or the next, unless we did not get it this time.
Still, as much as I want to forget about all the turmoil, misfortune, regrets, dysfunction, mistakes, resentments, guilt, etc., it creeps into my consciousness from time to time, perhaps due to a sudden reminder, person, place or thing, and somewhere deep down I am bothered by it.
I wish I could say I had it all together, had all the answers, and that I was totally enlightened, but I suppose I am sucked in at times to negative emotions, just as much as other people.
It is not my eyesight or lack of that makes me sad, nor my finances, nor anything one might think. It is not my present circumstances as much as my former circumstances, because I spend much time regretting, and that is unfortunate and a waste. We all have so many hours in a day, and one would hope that the most could be made of all of it, but how? I always say that I am more afraid of not living than of dying.
Sometimes the things we want for ourselves or that others want for us is not what is meant to be. I am not sure, and I actually doubt that there is a divine plan for us. I think we probably design it as we go. Still, one can feel like a failure when the things pursued do not go as planned or as our parents planned, which is strange but true. Many of us are very led by feelings about what our mothers or fathers wanted, such as for us to be married, to have a certain education, to have kids, to live in a certain place, to make something of our lives. Sometimes we cannot live up to what they think we will do, and it causes us to suffer, because we cannot be the person that we think we were supposed to be. I mean me, I guess, not we. This does not mean they do not love us or the person we became, but that we ourselves might not feel satisfied, because of pressures or agendas they may have had for us long ago. This is my experience, and I am sure I have made my own parents proud in some ways, hopefully, but perhaps have not lived entirely in the way that may have been expected of me. The thing is that one really has to be true to oneself in the long run. That is the only way to be, the only way one can be. Karma, in terms of one's circumstances, cannot really be forced. The lessons are not learned until they are, and I am not sure there is a way around that, unless you worked it all out in a previous life, presumably, and have a super high consciousness and maturity level for one's age. I am speculating here.
I have been reading a lot of self-help books, but it can be an overload on the brain. I think one thing I have realized though, from reading, is that sometimes people are afraid to heal. Why? The reason is that it means having to really take a look at everything, the pain, the anger, maybe even unforgiving for awhile, even if we have forgiven. This is sort of eighties, I realize, and not very Course in Miracles, but it is true I think. If a person wants to heal, they have to do the work, get mad, write it down, talk to a counselor, (a good one, because bad ones will make it worse.)
So, all in all I do not have all the answers or a therapy degree or anything of the kind, but my life experience is extremely complicated, and I have been through a lot. I just do not talk much about it, because that is not my style. Sickness is like a role people play. Of course it is not a person's fault at all if they are sick, but what I am saying is that a person does not have to stay sick forever. The key is recovery, not identifying with sickness, but with wellness, all the while taking care of oneself by protecting the mind and body as well as having good boundaries. When we let others invade boundaries, this leads to pain and suffering, and we have to learn to respect the boundaries of others as well as them letting us know when we are crossing them.
This is about all I have to say now that the moon and sun are in Pisces.
I received a tweet from one of the famous writers I follow, Jodi Picoult, that now in Arizona, there is a law that would allow businesses to not serve gays, on the basis of their religious views. I retweeted this, because it is discrimination to say the least. That seems to be a violation of civil rights. In fact, it does not seem to be a violation, but is a violation of civil rights.
There is so much hate and prejudice in the name of so called religion. Many, many gay people are Christians, who go to church or Jews who go to temple, but many cannot even get married in their own church. I actually mean most, because most ministers and rabbis will not perform a gay ceremony even where gay marriage is legal.
I am not a liberal, nor a conservative. I have views that are moderately conservative, and some that are somewhat liberal. I also have views that are pretty conservative, such as the belief that citizens have a right to have a gun, so long as the police do. However, this is another story, and not something I am talking about at the moment.
Why are people threatened by homosexuality? A real man would not be homophobic, nor a woman. Perhaps, people fear their own latent homosexual impulses that perhaps, most people have at least thought of. I realize I may be going too far here.
The only way to look at it is that, what if you had a son or daughter who was gay? Would you still have a problem with being gay?, and I know I am preaching to the choir, because most of my readers are somewhat liberal. I am making a point towards them, the haters. I realize that bad shit happens to people that can make them hate someone, like a boy being molested by a priest, an atrocity and a tragedy, something impossible to recover from, so I am not judging anyone on any level, either way. How ironic it is, though, considering the fact that most churches are affiliated with the Catholic church and its dogma, even Protestant churches that say the benediction.
When you think about it, it is no different from discriminating against gender or race. I thanked Jodi Picoult, and being a fan of hers, have read novels on these same topics. Thank you for reading my blog. It really makes my day for people to enjoy my blog, for what it is worth.
If you do not have a lot of money, have you ever thought about what you would do if you did? Have you ever thought about what your priorities were? Some people have so much they do not know what to do with it. I suppose they have to hide money in offshore accounts to avoid taxes, but then some are probably fairly honest.
I do not consider myself materialistic or bourgeois at all, and although I would like to have a far better house, I do not think people should choose their friends or who they hang out with by what they have. Some people only want to socialize with rich people who live in big suburban houses. They are social climbers, who act like they are slumming when they enter your home even for a moment. I do not feel this way about everyone who has money. I have friends who are fairly well off, who do not act like this at all, and usually the people who behave in such a manner are not really rich, but rich 'wanna be's' who think they may become rich by hanging around rich people, and living in an expensive neighborhood, which they must be at least a little rich to afford.
Wealth is a state of mind. Some rich people are poor in spirit. You know how Jesus said, "blessed are the poor..."
I think what matters most is finding balance in life, but if you are like me, you may have wondered what you would do with it, if you had much money. I think it would be good to help someone who really needs help, someone in your family that you know, if they will accept help, perhaps donate to specific charities you truly believe in that you know are on the up and up, that the money really goes to the people it is supposed to, and not a fraudulent group.
I think that if you had never traveled, traveling might be an option, a long vacation in Europe, traveling across the country, perhaps checking out Israel or Australia, perhaps a beautiful country in Africa like Kenya, although some countries in Africa have had a lot of civil war like Somalia and Nigeria, so you may not want to go to the beach of Nigeria. Mexico and South America are nice, so long as you stay clear of the drug cartels.
I would like to have a really nice house like the one I had for two years, the last part of my marriage and then some, with an upstairs and a fireplace, lots of windows, only with less wasted space and cathedral ceilings than my house had, to avoid high energy bills. I think it would be great to be able to house one's family very, very comfortably with lots of bathrooms, and there is just something about a fireplace. I love building fires in them. It is so country, so rustic.
It would also be cool to have a really nice car, even though I do not drive, I could have someone else drive my car with me in it. Of course, if you had lots of money, people would try to take advantage of you, so you would have to be careful, but it would still be sort of nice, although not the be all and end all of life.
The other thing I would like to have, which I can have now, because I have land I rent, which my mobile home I own is located on, is a big garden, with a lot of flowers. I already planted a fur tree this week, but I think this spring I am going to do some gardening. The earth is pretty rich around me.
Lastly, I would have lots of animals, and even a horse or two, and maybe I would have foster children, not sure, because I am kind of glad my kids are grown. It was pretty difficult bringing kids up, especially since more than half of it was on my own, at least with the younger one.
Whatever you do, just remember that happiness is internal, and I know this is a cliché, but it really is true.
When I first started blogging, my main topic was abusive relationships, either physically or emotionally, financially draining, etc., then turned to more philosophical topics, and now I am back to relationships again. I suppose I have been thinking about the topic more lately, especially seeing young people make decisions about marriage and children, as well as middle aged and above people.
One thing I have to say is that if you have to hide the truth about yourself to someone, for fear of losing him or her, they are not worth having. For example, a girl from my support group was told not to tell the guys she dates, that she has retinitis pigmentosa, by her opthamologist. Everyone was appalled. How old school. Yes, RP is hereditary, and she may go blind one day, but I told her to empower herself as a woman, as well as someone with RP. This is old school and completely unacceptable. I said that if you cannot tell someone the truth, they are not worth having. It really made me mad at that doctor. Obviously a man, and a sexist one at that, but he was completely overstepping a boundary in my opinion.
So, first I feel that it is important to be able to be honest with someone. I do not think it is necessary to tell your whole life story or tell every single thing right away. I feel there needs to be a sense of stability and intimacy between you and another person, before you tell them all about you. I have had friends who knew nothing about me, because they never listened, always talked about themselves. Obviously, you want someone who listens to you, as well as you listening to them. Being a good listener is important.
I strongly recommend that no one ever date anyone, or even try to date anyone, who broke up with someone in the last year, or that was recently in a relationship. The last thing you want is to be with someone on the rebound, or who has a lot of relationship baggage. Nine out of ten times, they are not over their ex, and they might even still be seeing them intermittently or at least talking regularly. Do not waste time on this. You will only get hurt. I have dated people before, and did not know they were still hung up on someone, until they sprang it on me. It is not fair to the person you are with. Also, do not date anyone who has a history of promiscuity. Although, you should always have safe sex, you should not take chances, just my opinion. I do not usually talk about sex on my blogs, but I think this is an important issue.
Next I would say, pay attention to signals. Perhaps I am easily discouraged, but I think it is a bad idea to waste time on anyone, who does not truly seem interested. It is obvious if he or she is not that into you, so trust your gut about that, and do not listen to well meaning match makers, who tell you they are interested, and you do not have to be interested or settle, just because it seems to be what others want for you.
I suppose what I am saying is not to humiliate yourself in this way. Self preservation is important, although perhaps you can be too easily discouraged.
Red flags are plentiful. If someone does not have their life together at all, such as no job, no home, that is a no brainer. Chances are they just want to mooch off you. Even if he seems sexy or sophisticated, he may be an opportunist, just looking for a place to crash. He or she may even be looking for opportunity to steal from you.
If you are dating someone, and they dump you for someone, or even to pursue someone else, never ever take them back. It will never end. You will never get the respect you deserve from him or her.
Also, if he or she is physically abusive, and we all know about the young woman who knifed her boyfriend to death, her trial being on TV, then that is another no brainer. One smack leads to more. I need say no more.
Excessive and inappropriate jealousy, even though there is no reason for it, as well as controlling behavior, is unacceptable. If your boyfriend checks your phone calls in your phone, this is an overstepping of boundaries. This is a bad sign. They should realize that your social medias are yours, unless the call or email is for both of you.
Well, there are plenty of other things, such as put downs, insults, belittling, and we all know about all that, but I am going to close by saying that it is important not to make another human being your higher power, more special than God. This is the meaning of codependence in a sense, and should not be the case. Although, you can love someone deeply, one must love oneself first, in order to love and be loved. Romance is not worth forsaking one's sanity, health and well being. Not everyone is lucky in love, but do not ever let this define how you feel about you. There are old fashioned silly stigmas about not getting married, but in a new age, that should not be the case. Love to all. Namaste.....
John 13: 34-35 says "a new command - love one another..." I read a novel not long ago where this quote came up, and I was on Facebook last night with my son, reading some judgmental comments, thinking this very quote when someone wrote it. Of course, when human beings start to debate and quarrel, no one is really right or wrong, because I did not necessarily agree with either side. I have found, however, that if I have extreme views, I need to keep them to myself. Also, I have to question, are my views compassionate and non-judgmental? Am I looking at the gray areas or just one part of a whole? Am I being fair? Am I coming from love or fear? Marianne Williamson says that if you come from love, there is no room for a neurotic thought. I believe this is true.
The overall problem is that we are all egos, and our nature is to judge. I admit I judge people. I make decisions not to spend time with certain people, because they drag me down, etc., but as the bible says in John, I can still love them. I can love everyone. My judgment of others and myself as well, is merely fear based. I can pull away from hurtful people for whatever reason, but this does not mean I have to judge them in any way, good or bad. It is not black and white. There are gray areas. I think the difference between maturity and immaturity is the realization that others exist and have pain, not just you. Immature people think everything is about them, and cannot really see how others feel at all.
It is easy to be self-righteous, but if you look back over your life, you must ask yourself, "am I being a hypocrite? Am I accusing someone of something that I have done too?"
It is easy to point the finger, and guilt is no better. Guilt in excess, can become another form of egotism, as if you control the universe, as if you alone, are God.
The fact is, we cannot control the universe or others, but we can control ourselves to some degree. We cannot change or redo the past. This we have no control over, but we have now, and now is a time to love one another as the bible says.
I think loving others starts with loving oneself. Loving oneself is not the same as being a narcissist or an ego maniac. It is about accepting oneself, having compassion for oneself without self-pity, self-judgment and fear.
We are not our story. Some people constantly want to tell their story, but our story may be our past, but it does not define us. It is merely a movie, a screen on which our ego has projected a plot like a movie, good or bad. If we want to heal, we must live in the now, like Eckhart Tolle and Ram Daas talk about in their books. Marianne Williamson says we are not our story, and I agree with this one-hundred percent.
So, I feel it is important to obey this command of Jesus Christ, this new command. Many Christians do not obey this command in their condemnation of gay people, etc.. The way is to accept and love others as brothers and sisters in God. Even if you think something judgmental, to announce it to everyone, is not only rude, but unnecessary and hurtful to someone's heart for sure. Just remember John 13: 34-35, the next time one wants to attack anyone, either behind their back or to their face. This includes me. I also need to remember. Thank you for reading. Love to all.
Stephen King is one of my favorite writers of fiction. I have read most of his books on talking books for the blind, now digital, and only available to those legally blind.
Having read many of his books, I have also read the introductions, forwards and afterwards. He is a sober alcoholic, sober since the eighties. He is also a family man. In many of his books, there is a main character who is a husband, father, and recovering alcoholic, and funny as it is, living in Maine where King is from, and a writer as well. Basically he is writing about himself, but a writer, professor, who read one of my manuscripts, told me, it is better to write about yourself? I mean, what better do you really know about. I felt that American Boys, my e-book, was definitely about me. I am a woman like Lizzy, independent, struggling, self-sufficient, who makes kids, sons like me, a priority. Of course, had I had daughters, it would have been just as important, of course.
The point was that I knew more about being a mother of boys than of girls. In King's The Shining, the character played in the movie by Jack Nicolson, remember "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," (and his wife Wendy discovering this writing and freaking out, knowing he's gone mad), is an alcoholic. I cannot remember from the book or the movie, whether the character Jack, discovered the alcohol, or whether it was metaphysically present, because of the ghosts, but the book makes it evident that he gets drunk. Alcohol is his issue in the book any way. I think Stephen King probably felt like he turned into a monster when he drank, and that Jack, in the book and movie, was King having gotten drunk, driven crazy by the ghosts, the isolation, and all hell breaks loose.
If you live in a cold climate, and the southeast definitely is in the winter, you may have experienced home owner issues such as frozen pipes, which can thaw out quickly, and sometimes need help with space heaters, hair dryers and heating pads.
When you own a home, whether it is an old house with bad insulation, a mobile home with good insulation like mine, a cabin in the woods, if you are living off the grid, and happen to still have running water, you may have to improvise when it comes to keeping the pipes from freezing. Of course, the best thing is to have someone go into the crawl space and add insulation under the water pipes, but if you do not have anyone to do this for free or do not have money for a plumber, you may have to take precautions, so as not to have a very expensive and inconvenient water damage situation. Worst possible scenario is the water pipes bursting.
These are tips to take to keep the pipes from freezing, and to thaw them out quickly if they do. For a long time, I thought it was the hot water you leave dripping, but it is the cold. Leave all cold water taps, including the bathtub, dripping slightly. Keeping the water flowing keeps it from freezing up. You can fill the tub with water just in case if you like, but rarely will the hot freeze, but it can. The toilet pipes can freeze as well, making it impossible for new water to poor in while flushing, and fill up the tank, requiring you to have to flush the toilet with hot water. I guess it does not have to be hot, but I had this happen recently, and I used hot water, and I think this helped to thaw it out faster. I did not know at first why the handle was not flushing, but I looked in the tank, and saw that the water was way down. I went on line, and the symptoms were frozen pipes, and the cold water on all faucets, including the kitchen were frozen. I held a hairdryer to the toilet pipes for a while. Fortunately everything thawed by late morning when the sun came out, and the temperature had risen.
You can also wrap a heating pad around the sink pipes to help thaw them out. However, to take preventative measures, you need a space heater or two, depending on the number of bathrooms. I borrowed one from family, but I also have another small one on order. If you keep a small safe space heater running on low, with the bathroom door closed all night, this will keep the pipes warm. Keeping the cabinets open helps as well. This enables heat to get to the pipes better.
Lastly, check the whether report on your computer. Windows 8 has an app just for that. You can also check on your cell phone, TV or radio, not to mention news paper if you are old fashioned.
The other night, the toilet pipes froze in my home. The heat would not get over 65 degrees in my home. This is an indication that all precautions should be taken. Like they say, a stitch in time saves nine. We once lived in a beach front winter rental when my house first sold, in '95. The pipes froze, and the condo owners had to send some guys to thaw the pipes in a high rise building, quite a job. So, if you do all these things I suggest, everything should be alright.
Consciousness, all there is. Perhaps, we are born from nothing and go to nothing. Life is about nothing really, and at the same time about a lot of things, or at least you have to live it like that, and yet the nonsense becomes more evident as time goes by.
I am reading a book called, The Drowning Girl. You know the painting. She isn't really drowning. Remember Virginia Wolf, who filled her pockets with stones, and walked into the water.
Picking friends for a party is interesting. I once invited people to a party, Halloween I think, and everyone I invited, including myself, was involved with some sort of love triangle, in one way or the other. Of course, my wits caught up with me, and I canceled the party, which could have been a brawl, if not worse, perhaps a cat fight. It might have been exciting if drama is your thing. I guess drama was still my intrigue then.
The dogs in the neighborhood have lost it. A mean dog attacked a little dog. The men were shouting. The woman was crying. I could not see her. She sounded like a child. No one was seriously hurt, except the little dog needed a veterinarian, and the owners had no money, could not speak English either.
White noise grows so loud that it swallows us whole. I think these are thoughts that intrude on the mind. We can control our thoughts, but the more sane, the more control one does have on one's thoughts.
It took me ten years to clean out the closet that haunted me. I guess I feared the pictures would make me sad. In a way they did, but the only way was to just plow through it.
My ancestors hang on the walls in black and white now. My childhood, my adulthood, my children.
Is spirituality a show, something you display? I do not think so, at least it is not to me. Still, I see others displaying devotion like a theatrical event. I am nothing, and I know that, just a bubble in the sea. Yoga is not a spiritual display, but a discipline, a meditation and meditative movement of the body that helps to heal the body and mind, keeping one serene, balanced and healthy. It can also help to align the chakras, keeping them open, but not too open, and balanced as well. When the seven chakras are aligned and balanced, there is a true sense of well being in all one does, and also in one's daily life in general, such as decision making, communication, work, relationships, solitude, and so forth. Namaste.
If we live in the past, constantly reliving and telling our story, then we are not living in the present. I am not my story. This is what you will learn from studying a Course in Miracles, listening to Eckhart Tolle, Marrianne Williamson, as well as other inspiring authors and speakers.
The world is illusion, what the Course in Miracles calls the world of forms, same as what is called maya in eastern terminology. As I always say, a Course in Miracles is eastern philosophy in western terminology, only Jesus is the basis of it. He is our brother who holds our hand. When we are free from the ego and illusion, find forgiveness, which equals corrected perception, which leads to atonement, which equals oneness, then we become illuminated. The tiny mad idea was that I am separate from God. Illumination comes when the we realize we were never separate from God.
If you follow an eastern master, some of this may seem familiar. The only difference is that there is no middle man in a Course in Miracles. Yes, Jesus wrote the book through Helen, but it is not like we follow a guru or someone who claims to be God.
Back to the way we see our life, I am not my story. I am beyond that. If I live in the past, I cannot be mindful in the present, which is eternal, which is all there truly is.
When we have changes, including loss such as divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a friendship, either a drifting apart or a realization that the friendship was not healthy, rather than feeling empty, one can find a space for something new. It is the same with the loss of a job. Anxiety can become more of a transition, rather than fear, leaving room for something new to come.
Again, I cannot stress enough, I am not my story. If you cannot get this concept, than you are stuck in dead bones. Take what you learned and move on. Live in the now. It is the only way to find true enlightenment, which means more happy, rather than suffering and less happy. When you are enlightened, the suffering is less painful, because you know that it is illusion. This is actually comforting to the enlightened person, bringing greater serenity.
