Yesterday, someone close to me, said something that really hit a nerve. I was hurt, confused and upset.
It had to do with all I feel most sensitive about. At first, I was going to go all 'Course in Miracles' and say to myself, "in my defenselessness my safety lies," and "I am never upset for the reason I think," or "God, let me see this differently, through the Holy Spirit thought system, and not my ego mind."
I was angry, so angry, so hurt and on the war path, although I did not want to be initially. I thought some wine would make it all go away, but it only made me angrier, and less in control, even though I only had two glasses of wine, but my tolerance is low, because I do not drink much.
Whoops, I did it again. I attacked someone, and I humiliated myself this way. I am already a black sheep in a lot of ways, and many people do not give me the respect for my abilities and innate goodness, because they only know me from a distance, or from what they have heard, but it is irrelevant what people think.
I wish I could have not reacted to anything. I wish I could be at peace, in the way that I always talk about, that I could walk the walk, not half the time, but every day. I wish I could turn the other cheek like Jesus, and really do it, not just intend to.
If I had been defenseless like Jesus, I would have kept myself safe from myself, my anger, my reactions, my attacking back, etc.. The point is to be like Jesus.
Happy Easter, everyone.
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Our beautiful, regal, handsome hound dog, Ruben passed over to the other side today, and his arrangements will be made by North Myrtle Beach Animal Hospital.
Ruben came into our lives in 2001. He had been hanging around the county jailhouse, and a police man who worked there, named David, had been feeding him thrown out jail food.
My mother had seen a sign at the veterinary office. David and his mother Judy, were looking for a home for this big, beautiful, black, brown and white dog, Ruben, who I miss so much.
I adopted him, and he came to live with my sons, my three cats and me. The cats hissed and looked at him wearily, but soon they realized that he meant them no ill will, and they all became friends. Now they are all gone, and Ruben was last to die.
I let my mother have Ruben, for practical reasons, and location being a big factor. Ruben howled like a wolf, because 1) he was a hound, and 2) hounds howl, hunting dogs, fox hounds, walkers they are also called.
Ruben lived about four years longer than his breed is said to usually live, due to my mother's unusually good care of dogs, and mine a little, I suppose. We are saddened by the loss of him.
One thing about hound dogs, who are very vocal, is they really talk, like humans. Sometimes, I would say something to him, in an expressive tone, or even someone else, and he would respond in the same tone. Example: one day I told my son, David, "Ruben and I are going for a walk," as I hooked his leash on his collar, which years later, I told my mother should be a harness, less pressure on the neck.
Ruben went,"whooowhoowhowhowho...,"
in the very tone I had said it in, as though he were trying to repeat my very words.
Once he went to live with my mother, who lives in the country, I would keep him sometimes. One day I took him for a walk, and another dog was barking at him, but Ruben, very well behaved that day, did not engage, and when we had passed, I said, "that dog was barking at you."
Ruben turned his head back in my direction and said, "whoowowowowo," in the very tone I had been speaking in, just matter of fact, like "I know..." He was so beautiful, so smart, so special, and I, we, will love him and miss him for as long as we can remember.
A few years back, I wrote and illustrated a children's book about him called, Ruben the Jailhouse Dog, which like much of my work, has not been published. I will always miss Ruben.
There is a Hindu belief, according to Dean Koontz, writer of A Big Little Life, the story of his beautiful golden retriever, and that is that, sometimes a great soul will live one life as a very wonderful dog, a very special soul, before a last incarnation a human, a very great human. If this is true, then it is true for Ruben, but as I spoke to him in the back of my mother's sedan, the other day, I told him, "you will go to a beautiful place, where you can run and play, chase dogs, puppies, cats, whatever you wish, and you can eat yummy treats, and sleep on a soft, soft bed, and if you want to come back, you can come back as a dog or a wolf, or even a person."
Goodbye for now, sweet Ruben. We love you so much, beautiful boy.
I have had a bad back lately, radiating down my left side, down the femur. A friend gave me an alieve tablet, which I had never taken, only ibuprofen and tylenol. It helped, so another friend is bringing me some.
With my back hurting, I haven't been doing a whole lot, besides lying around, listening to talking books, and a little TV in the living room, but my back hurts less lying down than sitting. Had some reiki done on me as well.
But, during the times my back is not hurting, I have been cleaning, washing curtains, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, because my son is coming home and has allergies and asthma. I realize I may have overdone it a bit yesterday. I was also informed that ice alternated with heat is good, whereas I had only been using heat. I will survive, and I realize I am talking about back pain more than cleaning, so I should have called this blog back pain. In fact I am going to change it, lol.
I suppose I could have written the usual stuff about forgiveness, love and acceptance, etc., but all I can think of is back pain. Some of the talking books I receive for the blind, in the mail, are boring, depending on the reader as well as the writer. Now I am reading The Dog that Came in From the Cold.
And, this brings me to women who wear glasses. Some men find us intelligent, but the truth is we just can't see well. A little comic relief, although lame I know.
So, back to boring books and hurting back, and not much cleaning now, but I think it's clean enough. For now. I was tempted to go to a doctor and get a prescription for vicadin or something, but that would be a last resort. I had a chiropractor, but unfortunately, we went out on a few dates, and he told me he was in love with his ex girlfriend, after we saw her once at a pot luck, so I said I never wanted to see him again. He is a jerk anyway, not even handsome. I know that is mean, but hey, he was a real goof ball. Men can be so stupid. No offense guys, and by the way nothing happened with him at all. I swear on the bible. Or God Speaks for Baba lovers. Adios amigos. By the way, I am eating Indian food and chai at Bombay at the Beach, in the picture on this blog. It was taken a little over a year ago.
In the half century I have been alive, I have seen a lot. I have not been protected from the real world, poverty, people having to really work, really struggle, addiction around me, although I never did illegal drugs, alcoholism, sickness, struggles, single parenthood, how the poor really live, the struggles of American boys and girls growing up, pop culture, bad people, selfishness, good people, kindness, generosity, etc..
There is no shield when you have to live in the real world. But, one thing I have learned, is that in love, the loser is the winner. Why? Because, the winner never finds him or herself. The loser in love, once alone, has no choice, but to find him/ her self. There is no other option. People who have not truly stood on their own, can say they found their own self, but I doubt it truly. When you consider yourself a part of a group, two or more, and nothing without the other, then you are not whole. To be whole, is to stand alone, with someone, with lots of people, without someone, but to never lose sight of wholeness.
This is why, and only why, the loser is the winner. The loser has to find herself/
himself. The so called 'winner' must cling to a false identity, a hope, another, a something to make him/ her whole. The loser needs cling to no one, lest him/ her self, once again. There is no loneliness, not when God is present, not where God truly abides.
Yes, we all get lonely, but alone never. I am not alone. I do not feel alone, even though in some eyes I may be alone. I do not feel alone, because I have faith. That faith and stillness leads me to the feeling of God's presence around and within me.
I know that relationships and marriages are a challenge. I have been through it on many levels. I know that a good relationship is rewarding and so is a good marriage, but the one who stands alone is not alone. The one who seems to stand alone, stands solely with God.
There really is no alone. There are so many paths, so many feelings of being alone, so much false and lacking togetherness. The point is that if you stand alone, remember your strength, your fortitude, your essence. Life is but a circle of karmic events. Everything you were, you do not have to be. Everything you are, you were not, and everything you are not, you have been or will be. So, do not worry. It all evens out in karma. Everyone gets whatever life lesson he or she needs now, and nothing you can think of, is something in infinity, that you do not already know. Namaste.
As you know, I am legally blind. I have no vision in my right eye, and about ten degrees, although the doctor says it can't be measured, just had to give a number in my case, for recording purposes, of visual field. The maximum requirement for legal blindness is 20, and the normal person has 180. Also, I wear thickish glasses, and am extremely nearsighted in my one good eye, so that even with glasses my vision is not clear and I cannot recognize people across a living size room, unless they are someone I know extremely well. I can see the basic hair color, whether it is light or dark, and their basic size and outline, or aura, but not their features, nor can recognize them until they talk, and I hear their voice and or they say their name. If they are right in front of me, I know who they are. I can see their face, if close to me.
I have tunnel vision, so in a lowly lit room, I can only see one person's face, and all else is black. Then if I want to talk to someone else, I must turn directly towards them. At night, outdoors, I could just be considered almost totally blind, because my retinas are diseased and my eyes do not adjust to darkness like normal eyes.
Sunlight is bad for my eyes, so I must wear UV sunglasses from the Commission for the Blind, and indoor lights hurt my eyes if they are too bright. Still, if it is too dark, I cannot find things or see what I am doing, which is why I have lots of flashlights.
I was looking for my remote for my CD player for ages, and low and behold finally last night, I reached in a basket I had already been through a few times before, and put my hand right on it and pulled it out, but I had been doing psychic trances, hypnotizing myself, as to its feel, the last time I held it in my hand, and where I may have stored it.
I also found my Reiki Master Teacher Manual finally, after looking for that for ages.
Yesterday I was in Walgreen's with my brother. I walked straight into a man on my right, my blind side, and he looked at me like I was nuts. I told my brother I should use my cane, I know, because this happens frequently.
Still, my brother has a friend who my brother tells me, says I am faking being blind, and yesterday someone said it in jest. First of all I said to my brother, "why does he like you, if he thinks your sister is a fraud?"
And, at the Original Kitchen at the Meher Center yesterday, when someone said it in jest, I joked along, "yeah, it really makes my life so much more fulfilling and I get so much out of that." Of course I was being sardonic, perhaps flippant, but did not get mad. What is the point, but truly it is not funny, and I did not appreciate it, even in jest, if that was what it was. That is like joking about someone in a wheelchair. It is not funny, but people are ignorant. What can I say?
Then I went outside and conversed with some people, and they were genuinely interested in asking about the details of my vision, before we went on to talk about other things.
I really do not care what others think. I only see it as their ignorance and lack of education. They cannot see through my eyes. They can say what they want. I do not rent space for them in my head. 'In my defenselessness my safety lies', A Course in Miracles. They are only creating bad karma for themselves.
As for computer and facebook, I have to enlarge everything. In fact I have misunderstandings, because I cannot read long private messages, because so enlarged, I cannot scroll.
Also, don't they know I would rather drive a car and have freedom? Do they know how many lonely hours I have spent, because I could not go out on my own, without being able to drive a car? I used to drive before my eyes worsened. Do they know how little I have asked of others? Do they know what it is like to not be able to get a ride, when you really want to go somewhere, but you can't, and so you resign yourself to that and accept it? I hope the people who say ignorant things, have to come back next life and go through everything I have. I really do, and I am sorry, but I am pissed at that crap.
Anyway, that is it for now. Much love to all. Namaste.
Recently in my Feng Shui endeavors, I have realized that less is better, and so less complicated, the simpler the better. So, in the process of getting rid of clothes and shoes over time, I lost track of what I had still, and what was gone.
I was sad, a little, because I thought I had rid myself of my two best dresses, and once resigned, I went to sleep, because it was not a big deal, but when I looked in my closet, I had sense enough to keep them, in my Feng Shui frenzy.
Also, I had assumed, I had rid myself of my furry brown boots, years ago, and the other day I reached back in my closet, pulled them out, and wore them today.
Of my two dresses, I had decided to keep, one is chartreuse and the other champagne, both metallic, and worn very little by me.
A few years ago, I thought I was going to marry a guy I had met, while I attended the S.C. Commission for the Blind. He had been doing an internship with my mobility instructor, so when he moved to New York, I thought I would marry him, and live there too, but it did not work out. However, in the process, I had gone shopping with my mother for clothing, expecting to be going to cocktail parties, and being the "toast of the town," as my mother phrased it, in my biracial relationship.
She had picked the dresses, and the sizes, and I had merely tried them on, and bought them, with my money, of course. And, I admit they are beautiful. Perhaps, I will have more than the very few chances to wear them that I have had. I mean, it does not require getting married, nor being "the toast of the town," to wear nice threads.
I find it funny, watching the commentary on the Oscar Awards, after the fact, the fashion critique. "Oh, she looked like she just rolled out of bed, and forgot to brush her hair, just didn't care," or "I don't like the all blue accessories, but I admit she looked beautiful," and about the first lady, Mrs. Obama, "I love the bangs, the new look...," and "oh, Haley Barry looked so beautiful, I could have gone straight," or "the dress was too baggy on..."
Well, I think they all look gorgeous, but I am legally blind, lol. Also, I was browsing on line. Would you believe, they charge over one-hundred bucks for cut off jean shorts? I went to Goodwill, bought a new pair of cut off jean shorts for men, which fit me in a smaller size, with a button fly. They were long, but had the distressed look. I folded them to where they were not too short for my age, but short enough to look slightly more feminine and sexy, measured, marked with chalk, and cut them off, so there you go. Expensive cut off jean shorts for less then four bucks.
Yesterday, someone close to me, said something that really hit a nerve. I was hurt, confused and upset. 
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