Circle of Life

     You know that old sixties song, 'there is a season, turn, turn, turn...'?  According to the I Ching, life changes in cycles of darkness and light.  
     Last night, the storm was so intense.  I listened, lying in bed awake in the dark.  The rain hit so hard and loud against the outer walls of my room, and the wind, I could feel, almost shake the house.
     It did not bother me.  I felt peaceful, and just enjoyed the sound, until it quieted enough for me to fall asleep.
     Today, the sun is back out again, and it is very bright.  I have not been out yet, but since the heat is not automatically coming on, I suppose it is not that cold.
     Sometimes, when people feel helpless and hopeless, at the end of their rope, and there is no way out, but death, if they wait, things will change.  The depression or sadness, even anxiety, will not last forever.  A new day will come.  That is why suicide is bad, or at least one reason.
     There is always help out there, somewhere.  And, if someone ever turns to you for advice, help, solace, etc., instead of turning away in sustain, feel honored that you are that respected, and that this person holds you in light and esteem.  
     I once reached out to a lady in despair, who has passed away since then, but she was so excited that I called her of all people.  She did not say that to me, but someone close to her told me.  
     Sometimes, I feel I am too dependent on others, being legally blind, so I will pull back and ask for nothing, but sometimes you deny someone a chance to assist someone, which is an opportunity for growth and happiness, for someone.  Some may not realize this, but if they do not, perhaps they have not developed much.
     Many people in our society, are all about 'me, me, me,' and do not think about other people much, only themselves, their own needs, wants, and truthfully, many are selfish.  I am not saying this to be judgmental.  I am sure I am selfish too sometimes.  I am just being brutally honest.  I think some people probably did not, or would not like my poem about my dad, on my New Humanity blog, because they do not want to hear truth.  If they all wanted to hear truth, it would not be the way it is.
     So, make haste, and do not waste time.  When the sun is out, and the darkness past, progress can be made, and a chance may present itself to assist someone.  Namaste.

The Lighter Side of Life

     Not every day is for pondering deep thoughts, like 'deep thoughts by Jack Handy,' that silly ol' SNL skit.  Remember?

     No, today was a day for sunshine and frivolous joys and pleasures.  After reading about a woman in prison who's only wish was not to go to Hawaii or Paris, or even a health spa, but to Walgreen's, because they have lots of shades of lipstick.

     Well, that is exactly what I did.  I do not drive, but I live close enough to businesses, that I can get just about everywhere I really need to go.  One of these days, however, I am going to get somebody to go with me to World Market.  I love that store.

      I bought two tubes of maybeline lipstick, one fuchsia, and one plum.  They were buy one, get one half price.  They had a pink on clearance, but it just was not bright enough.  I wanted bright, bright, deep, intense, hot pink, which kind of equals fuchsia.  However, I think the fuchsia and the plum are both a bit too close to the deep red I have, but my eyes are bad, so maybe it is just my vision.  Once at home, I took a kleenex, and tried on the different shades, so I could wipe off one color, before applying another, without getting them all mixed together.  Ugh.

     I also bought a comparative brand to neutrogena, daytime face lotion with spf 15 sunscreen, which I always use in all seasons, on sale even cheaper.  I had a really hard time finding this product, although I knew it existed.

     Lastly, I went to the supermarket, where I purchased cream of mushroom soup and lean ground beef to make a casserole.  Usually, I only eat vegetarian health food, but decided to prepare winter comfort food for my son and myself as well.

      Then, in conclusion to my endeavors, I ruled out which talking books for the blind, were just not worth reading, such as Being Elizabeth by ...  Who cares.  I hate books about rich people having sex, lol, not because I am jealous, just that if you are going to write sex, please just write it well.  Ha ha.  

      I once almost got into a bar fight, (yes the real me, my shadow coming out) because a woman said I 'wasn't getting any,' listening in on my conversation with my bar friend Danny, a retired cop from New England, who had one lung, was a former AA attendee, but drank and smoked anyway.  I do not know if she was right or wrong, but at the time my ego was threatened by this, whereas today I would not care, and I would not be hanging out there, or at least it would be less likely.

     So, back to my serious books on Abraham Lincoln and hunting Bin Laden.  

     Have a beautiful day.  Today and every day.

Feng Shui

     I have been trying to give my home a Feng Shui makeover.  I had so much clutter, but it is not just the clutter in Feng Shui, but a whole science.
    You are supposed to sleep under a window, and your bed should be the focal point of your bedroom, while your head should not be facing the door, because that gives a coffin effect.  Your room should be away from the entrance of your home and not near the washer and dryer.  Well, I have it all correct, except the washer and dryer is right outside my bedroom, across from the bathroom.  However, anyone living or staying in my house knows not to run the washer or dryer before noon.
     The idea of Feng Shui is good fortune, like clearing out junk and clutter, opens you to new things and prosperity.
     In the bedroom, to attract love, there should be space to get in and out of bed on either side, and two pillows on each side, as well as end tables on each side.  However, my bedroom does not have enough space for end tables on either side, only one side, and there is only room to get in bed from the side near the door or the foot.
     Still, you have to work with what you have, so I have been continuously trying to organize things in a more spacious way, with more clarity.  Although I like my Indian bedspread, I wondered if a white comforter would be more fresh.
     I guess I am pretty happy with what I have done.  I do not want to get compulsive about it.  I tend to be a perfectionist sometimes.
     I find that I am pretty organized.  As long as one knows where stuff is, that is the important thing.  I did clear out some cupboards of junk I either gave to Goodwill or threw out.
     I like looking at decor books, home decor. I wish I could get as excited about cooking as I am about decorating.  It seems I only get really interested in cooking when I go on a diet, and then it is just protein, fruits and vegetables.
     I found a gorgeous bowl at Goodwill, with a blue glaze inside, a little asymmetrical, and a rustic blown clay outer part, but my mother admired it so much, I gave it to her.  It was not a bowl for eating out of, just decoration.  She wanted it to place an orchid in.
     That brings me to plants.  I have been doing outdoor landscaping, using old dry grass to cover the muddy ground, as well as pebbles.  I have no plants, however.  I saw Gerber daisies in Bi-lo.  I think it is too early for planting anything.  It may get cold again, although it does feel like spring.  I guess it can be springtime in one's heart, like a winter passed.  Happy Winter!  I think when the Winter Solstice passes, things get better.

Taking Acountabilty

     I realized recently that with all the feminist books I read, and all the red flags many single women, including myself, set up, that sometimes we (women) seek emotionally unavailable men, because we ourselves are sometimes emotionally unavailable.
     Sometimes, it is just a history of being burned, wanting to do your own thing without someone looking over your shoulder, not wanting to answer to someone, life complications, just to name a few possible reasons.
     I think there was a time when I may have been too available emotionally.  Predatory men can sense that in a woman, especially in women with children.  They can sense neediness, hunger for relating, loneliness, and that sort of thing.  He will often approach a woman when she is down or just out of a relationship or previous marriage.  In fact, he may even start out by saying, "hey, you seem a little down lately?  Is everything okay?"
     Years ago my neighbor, who is long gone, well I moved first, but he was my neighbor once, started a conversation with me in this way.  He was a really good listener, and women can be way too open sometimes, if they have a certain naivety.
     Some people never learn, and some learn slow.  The lucky ones do not have to learn.  When I say 'lucky', I mean those who just find the right person and can stay married.  If you ask them, they will usually say it is not always easy.  I know.  I was married for a long time, once upon a time.
     No one has it perfect.  It is hard not to get depressed, but comparing oneself to anyone else on earth is a bad idea.  Everyone is universal and unique at once, and comparing is destructive.  I am not saying I never do this, but it is a bad idea.
     Our thoughts can be powerful.  This is why I like philosophers like Eckhart Tolle, because it is important to learn to see the patterns of obsessive thought.  
     I have the ability to clear my mind completely, that is when I want to, but it takes discipline, which frankly I do not always have.  I know nonetheless, that I am fortunate just to have the ability, as well as an ability to visualize and look at the third eye chakra.  Gazing at a candle is a good way to start.
     There are many good books on yoga and meditation.  I posted a guided chakra meditation video among my videos on facebook, if you would like to use it for a guided meditation.  I have done guided meditations for a volunteer church activity for the nifty fifties, and I have led some meditation meetings.  These consist of visualization techniques and are very healing.  One can even find guidances and answers from one's Higher Power.
     I would like to mention that as a woman, I am learning the meaning of The Goddess, Wild Woman, Medicine Woman or Sage Woman.  She is the essence of womanhood, and yet we all have masculine and feminine traits to embrace in ourselves.  I know that deep down there is a memory of lives as a man, a deep part of me that is genderless.  I know it sounds weird.  I do not mean like Androgynous Pat, from that silly old SNL skit.  Well, I think I will end this one on a humorous note.  Namaste.

Enjoyment of Sounds

     It is not a myth that when your eyesight is poor and especially if it is getting poorer, the ears get sharper.  Although I have some scar tissue in my right ear from a burst ear drum from an infection as a child, I have very sharp hearing.
     Seeing is of course wonderful, admiring a landscape, a beautiful mountainside, a painting, a colorful outfit, a beautiful form, etc., but as seeing evaporates and diminishes slowly in my case, to the point where I am now visually impaired in dreams as well, and describing my vision is so complex, it is futile, because I have RP, then sounds become evermore noticeable, enjoyed more mindfully, appreciated, absorbed, sensed clearly and a source of great gratitude.
     When I had mobility training in Columbia, S.C. in '09, I learned that a lot of getting across a busy city intersection, has to do with listening for the traffic.  When you hear the perpendicular traffic go by, you know that you do not enter the street.  One also has to listen to parallel traffic.  It is not easy, and the instructor walks several feet behind you, so if you are in trouble, gee I do not know.  Sometimes strangers want to help, but you are not supposed to let them.  Once I jabbed my stomach with the handle of the cane, and turned around with a mournful face to Clint, who just said in his country southern African American accent, "you're holdin' the cane too tight."  So much for sympathy, tough love it is called.  It works, you know like Pavlov's Dogs, remember from Psychology 101? 
     However, I have come to enjoy sounds, pleasurable sounds to me anyway, like someone whistling outside for their dog, a dog barking, a child playing with delightful shrieks of joy, a boy playing basketball, light conversation.  That is why I like living in a populated diverse neighborhood.  I grew up in the woods, in a beautiful rustic home, the only sounds from outdoors being possibly our own dog barking, crickets and the sound of my own shrieking joyfully, playing outside with my brother or a friend, or both.  The thing is that you don't really hear your own sounds in a sense.
     It is a profoundly gorgeous day.  It is warm for January.  The sun is shining brightly.  I received, UPS, my lucid 2" memory foam mattress topper, three year warranty, queen, uh, er, did I leave anything out?  That is a lot to remember.  Oh yeah, ventilated, that is it.  So after taking it out of the box, you have to air it for 48 hours, in order for it to plump up to full size and lose it's odor, which it allegedly, but really does not have, in my opinion that is, and of course is said to be nontoxic.  Oh, and it is antimicrobial as well.
     Well, now that you know about my ...mattress topper..., and all the beauty of sound...  I also like the sound of television and my talking books for the blind.  I am thinking of getting my son an Eckhart Tolle*2 CD for his birthday.  The library for the blind does not have Tolle on digital yet, but they do have Wayne W. Dyer, Deepak Chopra, and Neale Donald Walcsh, spelled differently than my name, which is Walsh, like Joe Walsh or John Walsh.  I like hearing the sound of Eckhart Tolle's slow, Austrian accented speaking on CD, reading The Power of Now, from my son's room at night.
     I miss my other son, but he is out of the country, and starting a new life I suppose.  
     Well, much love.  Enjoy this weather while it lasts.  Namaste.  Oh, and speaking of reading and accents, my favorites in terms of poets who read aloud, are Etan Thomas (the contemporary poet), Coleman Barks and Thomas Rain Crowe*1, one of the editors of my father's autobiography, Journey Out of Darkness, because I like Crowe's flowing waterfall, Native American quality, in his own poetry as well as his interpretation of Hafiz, Barks' earthy Georgia accent interpreting Rumi, his own as well, and Thomas' soulful, intense rhythmic and beautifully rendered passion, in its powerful statements of society against the rap beat of acoustic drumming like a heart beat.  
     The sound of a reader's voice is very important.  I have listened to entire books read aloud by the authors, such as Jodi Picouldt, Chopra and Stephen King, to name a few.  There are also great readers since time, like Alexander Scorby, maybe remembered by some on Gallo wine commercials in the '70's.  
     When you had a blind father like I did, who listened to old time vinyl talking books, you became familiar with recordings for the blind, sometimes a family activity.  I think we all miss vinyl records, if we are old enough to remember buying them, but vinyl talking books for the blind played on a different speed from 33.  Also, as with the digital books now, they could only be played on a special talking book player for the blind.  I have not found anyone yet to listen with me, though I much enjoy solitude at times.  My sons, also legally blind, have read on talking book as well, and when they were in cassette form, the biography of Kurt Cobain*3, of course.
     Obviously, retinitis pigmentosa has a strong genetic pattern in my family*4.  They said it came from an Irish girl, and I read a book, a memoir about a nun with RP, whose father, sisters, and nephews had it.  She came from the Midwest like my grandmother, and also said it started with an Irish girl.  I thought, 'that Irish girl really got around.'  Just kidding!
     Once again, namaste, and enjoy the beautiful weather!

*1: Thomas Rain Crowe is from North Carolina,  one of the states where the Cherokees were driven out by Andrew Jackson, on the famous
Trail of Tears, which will cause tears if you read it.  Thomas Rain Crowe has American Indian (Native American) heritage. 

*2: And of course, Eckhart Tolle, whose voice has been almost as famous as his books, is renowned for his amazing, calming quality, for easing the mind's frantic activity.

*3: We think Kurt Cobain's death was a conspiracy due to the evidence, or lack of evidence of true suicide, no fingerprints on the gun.

*4: In my early adulthood, things were different, as well as my childhood.  I had RP, but I was never told by my parents.  When I finally went to the eye doctor for the first time on my own, he told me, and then it was confirmed by every eye doctor I went to after.  I am the type of person who would have had children regardless, (I was in early pregnancy with my first child when I found out) but I believe a young person deserves the proper information about, not only their own disease and its potential progress, but a potential disease that their children could most likely have.  I tend to have a pro-life view, but I believe everyone has a right to their own reproductive choices.  Things are different today for young people, because we do not hide everything in the closet like in my time, perhaps because as in everything else that adolescents deal with, it is now usually popular opinion and rightly so, to tell children and youth the truth, rather than brushing every single thing we do not want to look at, under the rug, and that includes a whole array of things.  Some people think our society of social workers, psychologists, police, etc. are too involved with the family's privacy, a libertarian view, but I feel that although children are almost always better off with their own family, it is wrong to turn a blind eye on their pain, whether it be bullying at school, sexual abuse from a predator who knows the family, to depression, reason unknown.

Taking Accountability for One's Own Issues

     I don't know what to think anymore.  So many of us have made so many mistakes, and I read books to try to make sense of it all, but I can't.  People don't make sense to me.  They are intrigued by the 'horrible', the 'sickly', and bored by what is wholesome.
     I have tried to make sense of decisions I have made, because women with college degrees and good jobs did the same thing, but I cannot find much solace sometimes because in our society, so many people are sick in one way or the other.  I mean, one can judge someone else because he or she has such and such mental illness, but most of us have something wrong, in one way or another.  If we actively seek sickness, that is another matter.
     I feel it is important for me, not anyone else in particular, to take responsibility for my life, my actions.  I can blame others, but unless I take responsibility and recognize things such as my own feelings of inferiority, the result is nil.  No one is at fault, unless I want to make them at fault, like a scapegoat.  If I take accountability, things are better for me and for everyone, even if I want to blame someone else.

Independent Woman

     Recently a friend said to me, "I am so tired of people saying 'I love you' and it only meaning that if I do what they want, they love me."  I told her this is not love.  Anyone can see that.  I am saying that love is unconditional.  If anyone does not love you under the circumstances of your life, then they do not love you.  I do not mean to sound cold.  Life makes you hard, whether or not you want it to.  I have lived more than half a century, and seen the millennium come in along with the rest of us.  
     I am not saying to be cold or jaded, but as you must know by now, or you would probably not be bothering to read this, that most people are not that loving, and everyone is selfish, even me.  Yes, even me, but some of us have found some enlightenment, because we have suffered so much and so badly, and maybe we just are not the cool crowd, but we do not have anyone to fix things and make them all perfect for us.
     I deeply regret saying to a friend, not long ago, that I felt jealous about her circumstances.  I have been told the same under different circumstances.
     I have never inspired compassion before, very much.  I have always been a caregiver, and I am legally blind.  Yes, to some small degree, momentarily, I have had men want to take care of me to some small degree, but as a whole that has only been a taste of my karma.
     I wonder sometimes, am I not beautiful enough for anyone to truly love me?  Am I not talented enough for the majority to like my music?  I know I am not unique.
     Also, some of us independent, and I mean truly independent women cannot inspire anyone to want to help us, because we are so self-sufficient, and so men who want to rescue are not drawn to the likes of me, which is actually a positive thing, because I am a woman who has always been able to take care of herself, from a very young age, and I am blind as well.  I don't know.  I don't know the reason, but I am good with this.

A New Start; Forgiveness; Starting a New Year Fresh

     I have these enlightenment cards.  You pick any card from the deck, to get a spiritual inspiration or message.  I bought them for a two dollar donation at Unity Church at Course in Miracles class when a bunch of things were laid out to get rid of, for whatever you wanted to pay for them.  Sometimes there were books and CD's, books on CD, etc. you could take as well as being able to drop off books.
     Anyway, yesterday, I picked a card twice, and both were about forgiveness.  Now, the Course in Miracles says there is nothing to forgive, because in actuality nothing occurred.  However, one must be careful with this concept.  For example: if you were to say to me, "Leslie, I'm sorry about...", and I said, "hey look man, there's nothing to forgive.  Nothing happened, dig?..."  This would not only be confusing, but rude and condescending.  
     I think I have taken some grudges, grievances, resentments, whatever you want to name them, to an extreme at times, like, "you know how that time, on a Thursday, in 1989, you said..." and so forth.  I know that sounds extreme, but I am barely embellishing.  
     I am tired of carrying all this baggage around.  It does not mean I have to be best friends with people I think did me wrong, etc., but I can forget and let it go.  It is not serving me, and it prevents me from having healthy new relationships as well as healthy relationships with people already in my life.
     Financial resentments are very great, because money makes the world go 'round, and we all need it.  For example, if we lent someone a lot of money at one time, and they never payed us back, and we are now struggling financially and could really use that money now, it is hard not to feel that one is owed reparations, and in a perfect world, it would be got, or perhaps have never happened in the first place.  In twelve step programs, the ninth step is about making amends, and for many people this includes financial amends, some that might not even be known about, like at the work place.  This is an extreme example, or perhaps back taxes or money owed to friends or family.  The problem is that not everyone has a program.  Some people in twelve step programs, do not have a program themselves, because of not working it.  Still, some people not in programs, have emotional sobriety.
     I was singing at an open mic jazz club in Columbia in '09 while attending the South Carolina Commission for the Blind.  I said into the microphone, before playing my song, "this is a song I will be singing at an emotional sobriety workshop."  It was not meant to be funny, but for some reason it came across that way.  
     I feel that I have come to a place in my life where, although I am far from perfect, I have a bit of that.  I do drink in moderation now, but I act much better, and feel better than I used to.  When anyone says I seem to be doing really well, I am always surprised, because I have an ingrained sense that something has got to be wrong, like I am just always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
     We all come from dysfunctional families, and sometimes we cannot help but expect something bad around the corner, like your parents having a fight when you were a kid, or just something, someone bullying you at school.  What I am saying is that a lot of it goes back to childhood.  Most people have not had it easy.  These are difficult times, and have been for what seems like always.  I am reading a book right now about slavery in America, slavery of the black people and what it was like after being kidnapped and brought over the Atlantic Ocean on ships.  
     So, back to forgiveness, I feel that forgiveness is so important.  In fact in ACIM, the meaning of atonement is corrected perception or forgiveness, which is the same exact thing, so I correct my perception, ask God to help me see things differently, pray for the person I cannot love.  As Meher Baba said, "love those you cannot love."  That is the hard part, and that is the key to happiness, along with not worrying, as he also said, "don't worry be happy."  Namaste.  Happy New Year.