If you have ever been down on your luck in one way or another, perhaps life just was not going well for you at the time, and you felt like giving up. Many, many people have substance abuse problems, and the first thing in any state of hopelessness, is the jumping off period. This is the time to begin. It is back to basics.
The first thing to do is make a gratitude list, even however small, even if it is only three things. If you think, many things will come to mind that one never even thought of. Even little things count.
When you think about people who survived Auschwitz, (I know people whose parents or grandparents did, as well as other concentration camps, and have read many books about people who have lived to tell) you will know that one can survive on the smallest amount of food and be grateful. Even through great physical suffering, and seeing family die, and friends die, the smallest things are a great fortune to the survivor.
We all have one-hundred percent chance of dying eventually, but now that we are alive, we have to live life to the fullest. As I have said before in other blogs, I am not afraid to die. I am afraid of not living. Gandhi said, "learn like you will live forever. Live like you will die tomorrow." I think he meant put your heart and soul into all you learn and do.
I am going to give an example of a simple gratitude list, my own: my live Christmas tree my friends helped me go out and get, and the stand my friends bought for me. My kids are healthy. I still have some eyesight to enjoy for work and pleasure. I have food and shelter. I can pay my bills. I have peace of mind. I could think of more, but this is an example.
Much love to all, and wish everyone a safe happy Christmas and new year! I guess Hanukah came early this year.
Did you ever just realize that you had to change your life in ways? You could not continue with the way things were, possibly certain people that did not mesh with your consciousness any longer. Perhaps, you just wanted a fresh start.
I feel that way now. I cannot move or anything, but I want to change people, places and things, that is outside my family and my online circles. I appreciate my Facebook friends, as well as blog followers and Youtube subscribers.
I think I am just at this point where I do not want to do things my heart is not truly in. I want to follow my heart. When you have an obligation to fill, and a promise, then by all means, it is good to carry it out, but then, and I mean for me, now, I want to do the things that truly make me happy. I want to live a life I truly believe in, and not just carry on with what others want from me.
Sometimes, friendships are not all we would like them to be, or perhaps they just leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled. You always have a right to clean house, and to surround yourself with those who you feel good around. I do not want to be around people who treat me in ways that are undesirable, or that I cannot really be comfortable around. Sometimes, you just start seeing through people, especially when they are doing obvious things, such as social climbing, kissing up to people, whatever. If you find it less than honest or distasteful, then why be around that?
The road to evil is paved with good intentions. Sometimes the 'do gooders' are the worst, the most annoying, and the most offensive, the rule followers, the sticklers. I hate them, lol. I am not sure if I am making sense to you, but I am making perfect sense to myself.
I am ready to move on.
I could not believe my eyes,
Looking up at darkest night skies,
The moon a crescent, I did see her,
Golden and one great star in clear view sight,
Jupiter.
No longer could I see the stars,
Yet I saw one that very night of the crescent moon,
That seemed so close, so bright, not far,
Lying in the night heaven like a silver spoon,
And Jupiter, one star so bright.
Sometimes I think people must think I am crazy, but I am not. I mean everyone is crazy. But, that is the thing. I am not concerned about what people think. If I let the opinion of others define my opinion of myself, I will not be a happy person.
The fact that this is illusion is helpful, as I always say, but since I have always had to live in a world that was not sheltered from maya and illusion, and have not had the advantage of being able to be naïve, I have had to learn defense mechanisms. I think I stay away from people a lot now, because I am tired of fighting with illusion, with my own demons. I just want peace, the peace of God. I do not want to have conflicts, trials or tribulations. My life has always been difficult, and I know everyone has problems. I just have difficulty playing by the rules, conforming, being talked down to, and have spent most of my life being overlooked and underappreciated.
Marianne Williamson says that if we were to choose to shine, and not hide, afraid that others will not be able to handle how beautiful and wonderful we are, nor oneself realize it, we would have a magnificent, miraculous life.
I know what she means, because I am always afraid to really assert myself, because I do not want people to think I am egotistical or self centered.
It seems like I always take back my own empowerment, in a bad way. I say how I feel or say what I want, and then I feel guilty for wanting it, and I question my motives, and I do not want to look selfish or egotistical, and so I take it all back.
I do not know why life is so hard for me. I used to write my blog with so much confidence, and that has wavered, but I think it is because I was under so much stress, and it is really easy for me to turn the hate on myself big time. That is why I have to admit that I lack true enlightenment.
When I say 'enlightenment,' I do not mean God realization, but the awareness that all is illusion, and a transcendence of neurotic thought to pure love.
I guess when I say love, I mean unconditional love.
The world is such a frightened and scary place. At least the world that I live in, is a scary place. Not my inner life or world, but the real world, if you want to call it real. It is hard to come from a place of love when you have been assaulted on the street before, and you are afraid sometimes. I wonder if this fear is just sensible fear, or if I am lacking in love. I believe the former, that fear is sensible.
I guess I could just decide to hate myself because of crappy experiences, or because I feel like people hate me, but why should I do that? What good would that do? Would it not be counterproductive? I think if I have healthy boundaries, and retain my own self respect, then I will not let others get inside my head and bring me down. I need to have boundaries and healthy defense mechanisms, so that no one else's attitude can effect the way I feel about myself. During difficult times, it is hard to have these, which is what 'being kicked while you're down means.' There is no way to put a bubble around oneself, to protect oneself from the world. I guess the best suggestion that I have is, "this too shall pass."
Sometimes I think that no matter how much self help reading, workshops and study I do, I am not getting to be a better person, but perhaps I am too hard on myself.
There is a good chance if you feel this way too, you could be being hard on yourself too.
Another thing is, if you feel bad about something from the past, and it really bothers you, sometimes the things you feel bad for doing or not doing, could have been okay for the other person at the time. One may never know this, unless one talks to that person about it.
Often our egos think that everything revolves around us, and sometimes that can lead us to think that the thing we feel guilty about, is what the other person's perception is. It is not always about us. Sometimes it is more about them, and their relationship to someone besides us, that needed fostering, nurturing or growth. We tend to see the world as always being about ourselves, but that is just the ego. Guilt can be ego as much as other emotions, such as anger and hurt feelings.
I am not saying that no one is entitled to these, but like Marianne Williamson says, and Wayne Dyer as well, if we were to fill ourselves with just love, our lives would be better. There would be no room for a neurotic thought, even.
I talk a lot and often, about a Course in Miracles, which is not a religion. It is actually, technically considered a spiritually based psychotherapy. That is right - psychotherapy.
Now, when it comes to balance, and the people in our lives, many of us are parents. Many of us are not parents, either by choice or by not being able to have children. I think we need to have friends at every station, and every point of view. For example, I am a mother, but I have women friends my age, who do not have children. Many times, people with children, will say, "you wouldn't understand if you have not been a parent." Yes, that may be true in part, but your childless friend may be able to be objective about parenthood, and have some refreshing ideas, that you may not have thought of yourself.
Even if someone has never been a parent, they have probably had parents, or at least one parent, at one time. They may have life experience, so they could have insight into parenting, and the objectivity of not being a parent can be an asset. This is just something I thought of today.
The more we keep an open heart, and an open mind, the more clarity there will be for us, and the more improvement and change, if we think there should be, will be present. Namaste.
I hear the music in the darkness,
In a place where I drown to nothingness,
And yet this nothingness is peaceful,
Longing to write the words down with a pen,
And yet this pen is dry, the paper a napkin.
I try to hide in the real world,
Yet at the same time wish to be seen,
Like a paradox of thought,
And everywhere have been.
Life is not eternal,
The only chance of happiness internal,
For everything I ever learned is but a lie,
Perhaps the answer is somewhere in the
distant sky.
I am not who I was yesterday,
And yet sometimes feel the same,
It's like a ridiculous play, theatre of the absurd,
Perhaps but a game,
Yet in it, not glory nor fame.
The way I see it, ignorance wins each time,
They do not learn, but there is no crime,
Except for the lack of understanding that always prevails,
And in this lonely absence of consciousness,
All I find is nothingness,
And then again, nothingness is peaceful,
Like music in the darkness.
The title asks the questions, and the answers I do not know. There is an expression used a lot in twelve step meetings, 'some are sicker than others,' although often said in jest, I wonder. Could I fall into the 'sicker than others,' lol? Maybe not, but maybe so. Who cares?
Truthfully, I care, which is why I am writing this. Sometimes, it seems like I was born in the wrong place, to the wrong family, and that I am still barking up the wrong trees, in so many ways.
When does the heartache end? When do disappointments from stupid childhood end? When is it ever okay to be who you are? When am I going to be good enough? Never - who knows? Who cares? It gets to the point where you just realize you are sick of trying, trying to be okay in everyone's book, trying to be loved, trying to be understood, hoping people will give you kindness. Perhaps they do their best.
Sometimes a stupid, miserable life is not worth living, and no one really knows you, not even your own family. I feel so spooked by life right now. I think life is spookier than death.
I used to have all this sentimentality about life and nature, animals and people, but I feel that is diminishing, and I find myself caring less and less.
It seems to me sometimes, that I started being ruined the day I was born. I look at a childhood picture, and I think, was I still whole? Was there hope? I look at a picture a little older and wonder the same thing, and all I know is that my soul feels like it is no longer my whole essence, that all the crap in life, just drove it away, and I have nothing left inside. Woundedness is lame and stupid, and I hate it when people come from there, but that is just how I feel.
I really enjoy going to the ocean with friends, in the evening. The heat is gone, the temperature perfect. You can swim if you want, but you do not have to worry about getting all hot and sweaty.
The wind blows gently. The water runs up to our chairs just right. And, I feel a sense of calm and serenity, in the summer salty air.
I could never stand to leave the ocean for any length of time, or to live anywhere land locked. All my life, I have loved the water. I have loved the ocean, the salt and sand.
People arrive on vacation, enthusiastic about the beach and the ocean, just being here. They walk the beach, and make sand castles. The children play in the water. Lovers hold hands.
I hold a cold drink in my hand, and enjoy the evening, the summer conversation. All my troubles drift away at sea, and I am renewed again.
I almost feel like I am on vacation, myself, and I once again realize that I can enjoy my life, that I can enjoy myself. And, once again, my troubles blow away, into the warmth of the summer night.
Lately I had been a little wistful about the past. However, yesterday, going through some old artwork, I found an old journal from two years ago, and I was not that happy, from what I was saying, with a relationship that I was in. This person passed away from cancer, and I went through a lot of grief about it, and still feel grieved, but since I have blogged about him, in the past, I would rather not mention his name, since none of you know or knew him, anyway. Well, maybe some may have met him once or twice.
This is not about him, though, or any relationship, really. It is about the fact that we often glorify how things were, and think happiness was then, and really it was not, because most people are often dissatisfied in some way.
I suppose I forgot about the difficulties I had with this person, and our differences. Well, really I did not forget. I had tried to only look at the good, and ignore the bad. Still, the way it was, I could never really have been happy, and he probably was not happy either, even though there were some really good times. I guess that is just how life is.
It often seems like, if only I had this or that, I could be happy, but the thing is, I suppose, to just be happy. Be present, be in the now, like Eckart Tolle and Ram Daas talk about.
I know all too well how difficult it is, when you wish you could change your life, but you just cannot, and you are in a rut or stagnating. You might feel you are living in the wrong town or community, or like you were born in the wrong family, or married the wrong person. Still, I guess acceptance is the only way to deal with that. I do not think it means, do not change the things you are able to.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
The Serenity Prayer
I was feeling very hurt, very angry, very sad, very confused. I not only felt unloved, but due to things happening to me, and around me, all I could feel towards me was contempt.
My reaction to this was, first to be kind of in a daze, not knowing what to do, feeling victimized, felt my privacy, my rights, and so forth were violated, by more than one situation, which occurred last week, the week from hell.
While I know that some people, who I thought cared about me, do not, I also found that some people in my life, really did care. But, aside from that, and my feelings of hurt and anger, at not being loved, not being understood, not being cared about, and not being important, although, not totally gone, were transcended a bit, to a higher state of consciousness, thanks to a post by Marianne Williamson, who I subscribe to, and have read just about everything she ever wrote.
The quote said, not verbatim, mind you, but something like, "we are generous towards those who do not love us." This really hit home, and I changed the way I was seeing things. That is what a Course in Miracles is about, that is the miracle. Sometimes, I forget to say to God, "help me see this differently. I choose peace over separation from God." I am tuned into this thought system, so even though I forgot to go to God, He came to me, through Marianne Williamson's beautiful post.
It is okay if others do not love me. It is okay. I am at peace, and I do not have to feel bitter about it, or hurt or sad. I do not need anyone to validate me.
The Lord's Prayer says, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." I can forgive. I can even have compassion for myself and others, if I choose.
I cannot share my personal life on facebook or my blog anymore, but I can share my spiritual journey, which is the most important thing of all. I can share what uplifts me, and what is an inspiration, and an epiphany for me. And, hopefully that can help others, who read my blog, as well.
I am a survivor, throughout everything,
Redemption, forgiveness, peace in my soul beyond all fighting,
Suffering is not forever, nor happiness,
But I keep on going in spite of this.
Nothing can break me, not words, nor stones,
My soul lives on when my body is but bones,
For I am not a hater, nor will I be broken,
Only truth need be spoken.
Pain drifts into peace, peace into sleep, and sleep to dreams,
For when I lie down to rest, my soul is peaceful, my heart is grateful.
I need not defend myself, truth speaks for itself,
And blessed are the meek, the poor, the downtrodden, the righteous,
For they shall see God.
Seriously, I was cleaning out my book shelves today, getting rid of books. I was not certain whether to get rid of all of them. I mean, we all need some books. Right? Unfortunately, my book shelf is in a place where it is hard to see. It is just the lay out of my home. Maybe that is a good thing, or not. You can tell a lot about someone by their books, even if they cannot see well enough to read them.
Both my kids were home, so I was suggesting to each of them, what I thought they might read. Some were self help books, and some were fiction, as well as some poetry books and some of a spiritual nature. My kids did not want to read, though.
I said, jokingly of course, "have I raised a couple of illiterates?" My father might have said a thing like that.
My son said I sounded like the mother on the show Two and a Half Men. Ha, ha.
I got rid of some books and yoga videos and games, but still too many books. Sometimes I feel like throwing out everything I own, and going on some kind of new life or something. It is not that I do not appreciate the things I have, just that I feel so weighted down all the time, so trapped by illusion, so much inertia, like walking in quick sand. My back hurts with the weight of all I feel loaded down with.
It is not that I do not have a positive outlook, or that I am depressed, just this incredible longing to be free, to be free to do what I really want, but can't. It is hard to explain. It just is what it is, I suppose.
To celebrate the 4th of July, you may be going to a get together, or having one, going to see fire works, or what not.
I intend to serve fresh strawberries, cut up, and real whip cream, from heavy cream and splenda for sweetener, served in a big, blue bowl.
My poor kids, when they were little. I never let them have anything, except sparklers, in terms of fireworks, when they were kids, and they had to have a bucket of water to put them out in. It is good to be careful, with fireworks.
I got a free tarot card reading tonight, on line, and I realized from the card I got, and its explanation, that I have been trying to conform to others, and have been afraid to be myself, or to follow my own intuition.
I guess the idea is to be independent, and stop worrying about what others think and do. It is okay to think as an individual, and preferable. If that were not the case, nothing would ever be achieved, and no one would ever really be free.
Yes, women need to have a right to choose, but choosing to have a child, with or without anyone's approval, including the father, is also a right to choose. Choosing life is a choice, too.
Some women don't have a baby, because their boyfriend or husband does not want one, or want her to, and therefore, she might have an abortion. I have sources, who have told me this. The fact is that it is not his decision, either way. If she just does not want kids, that is one thing, I suppose that is her choice. But, perhaps some women are choosing a man over a child. If that is the priority, then fine, but it is still a feminist move, in my opinion, to say, "hey look, I'm having a baby period. It's my baby. I'm having my baby with or without you." That is what I did, and it is a feminist, free spirited thing to do.
I realize there are many other reasons, that might lead someone to terminate a pregnancy, and I am not judging. I am only saying that making a choice to bring a life into the world, can be a feminist choice, too. That is all. I guess that is a known fact, anyhow, and I need not say it, even.
First and foremost, feelings are not facts. All suffering is caused by lies we tell ourselves, or lies we hear, that we believe. While intuition is good, one needs to draw the line between good intuition and just plain paranoia. I think we all know who and what is good for us, and healthy, and what is not, in the long run.
Here are things, which I think are important to remember, 1) do not think too much. Rely more on your gut instincts. Thinking too much can turn into a mind f- if you know what I mean, 2) never compare yourself, your circumstances, or your possessions, to those of others, it is a nonproductive thing to do, 3) remember that no one on earth, is always completely happy, that no matter what the deal is, it could be worse or better, but it just is what it is, and 4) do not worry about what other people think of you. They will think what they will, beyond your control. They will talk behind your back, and to your face, but it does not even have to effect you. Just ignore it, them, and move on. There are always other friends to be found, and there are always places you will fit in, even if your friends are fickle, two faced, and stab you in the back. Feel sorry for them. People only put you down, to make themselves feel superior.
If people make you less, they think it somehow makes them more, but it does not work that way. You are a child of God, and they cannot touch you. I guess when I say you, I mean me. I have come to see this kind of behavior as nothing but lame. People only put people down out of jealousy or judgment, which is stupid, because one needs to walk in another's moccasins before judging them, and another's experience is no one else's business. Why someone would want to tear another down, beats me. I have no idea, except that it validates them somehow, in their own imagination. It is just that I have experienced much contempt from people, at different times, whether or not my own fault. I think if it were my fault, I at least tried to make it right, or make an amends. If someone cannot accept that, then they were looking for a reason to part from you, and perhaps it was mutual. It is not a reason for hate, although sometimes it feels that way. It can feel like hate coming your way, but the best way to deal with that, is to tune it out. Send out loving vibes, no matter how you feel, to the world in general. It is like reiki, just sending good energy, and protecting one's own center of well being, at the same time. And, most of all, just let go. If patient, things can become clear, less abrasive, over time, and it will no longer be an issue. It is only painful if one allows it to be.
Like the song, Who Knows Where the Time Goes, the lyrics say, 'sad deserted shores, your fickle friends are leaving, ah but then you know, it's time for them to go, but I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving, I do not count the time...' Sandy Denny, covered by singers such as Judy Collins
The thing is that people just grow apart sometimes. Of course, sometimes nothing can bring you together again, but that is only because it is no longer meant to be. People who truly love you, will stay in your life. It is called unconditional love, and it goes both ways. Perhaps, I am naive to speak of unconditional love. I know I do not know everything. Also, everyone has a right to their opinions. I just put mine out there all the time, with my blogging. But, I do know I need to stop being wimpy and apologetic all the time, just for being me. It is one thing to try to avoid hurting people's feelings, which has been my goal, to stop hurting people's feelings, with some of my strong opinions. I guess what I mean is that there must be a way to have sensitivity to others, and at the same time, be true to your beliefs. Perhaps, one can be quiet about them at times, until the time comes up, when you are actually asked, or have a chance to have a voice, if that makes sense.
Another aspect, 5) is to stay in today, not tomorrow, or yesterday. Stay in the power of now. Be mindful, whether it be at work, folding laundry, taking an infant to the park, making a cup of tea, or cooking and eating a meal, alone or with company.
Lastly, but not least, perhaps most, 6) forgive yourself and forgive others. In a Course in Miracles, this is the meaning of atonement, but on a lighter, more layman way, simple forgiveness, especially for oneself, makes a lot of difference. It is like finally being able to breath again. Breath in self-forgiveness, breath out gratitude, or vise verse. I just made that up, but it makes sense.
Resentment, which is really the same as not being able to forgive another, or others, is like drinking poison, waiting for another to die. It is a number one offender. Breath in forgiveness, and let resentment go with every breath going back out. Meditate on forgiveness, self and others, and letting go. The most important to forgive, of all, is oneself, because to be happy, loving oneself is absolutely necessary. It is absolutely important to be compassionate, without being an enabler, but it is fundamental to be compassionate to oneself. Self recrimination, deprecation, and self judgment, are a destructive path, to say the very least. I have gone that route. I know first hand.
Every tortured soul has thought at one time or another, 'why am I even alive?' The thing is that no one has a choice in the matter. You just are, and that is how it is.
Life on life's terms, an AA expression, and a good one, is one of the best slogans ever presented by any group of any kind. What other way is there to live?
No matter what religion, it is all pretty much the same. To be a Christian, is to be Christlike, not to judge, asking one's Father in heaven to forgive others, just like Jesus did on the cross.
In Buddhism, it is a wheel of life, a wheel of suffering, in a sense. No one escapes the suffering, one way or the other.
In Hinduism, it is karma, the law of attraction, do onto others, as you would have done on to yourself, just like Christianity.
A Course in Miracles, is if I attack my brother, I attack my own self. I am but crying for love. When my brother attacks me, he or she is crying for love as well. It just does not seem that way at the time.
In Judaism, it is just basically, be a good person. You will rise up on judgment day and be judged, sort of like what Jehovah Witnesses believe, but not as radical.
Meher Baba said, "love those you cannot love."
The I Ching says to come from a place of gentle integrity, never striking out at anyone, but taking action, only when the time is right, but to be a superior person, not indulging in inferior influences. "Once you put your toe in it, you are swimming in it." Also, "the hysterics of the ego, only bring downfall and humiliation." There are times for retreat, times to withdraw, and times to glide like a "fox on thin ice." There are times when there is stagnation, times of increase, and times when rain comes down like waterfalls, cleansing everything, and there is a time of the sun coming out, time to make haste.
What I am saying is that all these philosophies are good, one and the same. They are all paths to God, good paths, which lead to the same place, unity, oneness, peace of mind, serenity, heaven, love, and the Holy Spirit thought system, rather than the ego-mind. The big mind, the higher self, the true self, the infinite mind, oneness again. Namaste.
Alan Deans Ferguson died in September, 2012. The date of Alan's birth is not precise, because he was an orphan, born in Edinburgh, Scotland, adopted by a Presbyterian minister from Glasgow, Dr. Robert Ferguson and Mrs. Ferguson, but his birthday was January second, and he was fifty-five years old when he died, so you can do the math.
When Alan was twelve years old, his family, his sister, Elizabeth, his parents, and his brother, moved to Knoxville, Tennessee, from Glasgow. Dr. Ferguson obtained a position as pastor of the largest Presbyterian congregation there.
Alan rebelled against the church, and became an atheist, went through some of the hippie culture, experimentation, etc., in high school, did some college, and moved to the UK, as a young adult, and then to Germany where he married Beatte, and had three daughters.
The marriage did not last, and Alan left his family, and went back to the United States. He and his wife remained amicable, and he had lots of visitation, with his kids, and his wife as well, since she was fond of him, I suppose.
He did not embrace the church. However, his father, Dr. Ferguson, only died a few months before Alan. He did embrace his parents' extremely conservative political views, but it may have been just a way to seem different from all his liberal peers. All his friends were Democrats and liberals. He was very opinionated. Once he, his friend, Danny, and I went out to lunch at a nice bistro, and on the way, I said, "You can't talk about politics around Alan."
Danny said, "with Alan, you just have to listen to him talk about politics." That was true.
We had other good times, going out with Danny. Once we all went out to hear one of my son's gigs. I was really drunk, and was playing and singing a few songs. My son, David, made me stop, saying I sounded drunk. Alan and Danny said I sounded great. That very same summer evening, my ex-husband showed up there too, to hear David. Alan asked him, "was Sage (Sage being the name he always called me) always like she is now?"
My ex-husband told him, "exactly the same."
Alan always played European disco sounding music, or Latin, in his car. He was snobby about American musicians. He liked Roy Harper a lot, and the more recent pop star Adele, until everyone else started to like her too, and she became really famous. He even liked Lady Gaga.
What I liked about Alan, was the way he looked when he took a drag on his cigarette. I thought he looked like Anderson Cooper, who is really hot. We once ran into my sister and brother in law in the Thai restaurant. We sat and had dinner with them. My sister had never met Alan before. She said, "Alan, you are very handsome." She does not hand out compliments often, especially to men.
I liked the way he took me out, and he always payed, and bought me whatever I wanted, within reason of course. I would not ask for much. He also took me on trips to Columbia, and even Laurens, South Carolina, six hours away, on family business, my family business. He was an excellent driver, too.
I like the way he liked shopping and decorating, and his enthusiasm, his aestheticism. I liked his good hygiene and cleanliness, and the fact that he cooked.
I liked the fact that he worked two jobs, had a work ethic. When Alan was dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, one of his jobs had a fund for people in situations like this, where he had medical bills, and was getting to where he was no longer going to be able to work. He worked for as long as he possibly could.
Although he had his quirks and weirdness, like everyone, or maybe even more, he was a good person, not religious, but morally honest and decent.
Since, Alan was only given about four months to live, with no treatment options besides pain management, his mother and sister came to see him. I got to meet them, but it was under such sad circumstances. His mother, naturally, had terrible sorrow in her eyes. Her husband, Alan's father, had passed away, only the last Christmas. She was bereaved about Alan's terminal illness, but I sensed a stoicism in her, in a positive way, that is.
Alan was saddened by the fact that he was dying, and yet he comforted me when I was crying, although I just said I was depressed, not that I was crying because he was dying. He asked me if I wanted to lie next to him on the futon, in my living room. I did, and he held me. Then he took us out, to get some Thai take-out food, which we brought back to my place. We watched some comedies on VHS, that he brought over, and I cheered up a little.
Lastly, he was quite intelligent, and spoke well. He had a good vocabulary, and I learned big words from him, which I now use, such as sophomoric and disingenuous.
I only had one picture of Alan, with his kids, and it got misplaced somehow, so I posted a picture of the ocean, since he loved it so much. He always rented an apartment right near the beach, and loved living in Myrtle Beach, because of the ocean. He intended to stay here for the rest of his life, which is exactly what he did.
I think what gives life meaning is, did I make a difference? Did I effect someone's life in a positive way? Did I do anything good for anyone? Did I help anyone? Was I friend, a good friend to someone? Was I a good mother, even ever? Things like that.
You know how sometimes someone really inspires you, especially when you see them overcome really hard obstacles, achieve so much, and complain so little.
I guess I want to make a difference in some way. That is why I involve myself with politics. I do not think I am just outpouring opinions, like on a soap box or something. I am really genuine about the things I believe in. If I could, I would do more, I think.
Today I have been thinking about the meaning of words, and how the English language has turned words that once had positive meaning, to pop psychology, negative terminology, because they are always used in a negative context now. One such a word is enable or enabler. I think of this, because I know that I am one of those.
I hate to always bring up Alan, but he used to use that word in a positive way, and I had never heard it used any way but negative. Before he 'fell out of love with me,' I guess, he used to say, "I just want to enable you. I want you to be able to do whatever you want, to have everything you need." That was really sweet.
I have to let the bittersweet past go, and move forward, because nothing can change. You can't do things over. You can't make loved ones alive again, when they die. You can't make the wrong things of your youth, and your children's childhoods, disappear. You just have to accept everything.
I wrote a song that starts, 'when I think about the past, it always makes me sad, 'cause every decision I made was always bad...' Maybe I am being hard on myself. Why can't all this new age healing ever really heal me? Why can't it make me stop blaming myself, beating myself up, for all my mistakes?
I wish I were just a better person, from beginning to end, had made better choices. No matter what anyone says, there is no proof that there is another life in which to do things right. No one can prove that. This life could be all there is, your only chance. Perhaps the sound of rain is making me melancholy.
I really like some of the clothing being made now. I especially like the asymmetrical hems on skirts and dresses, as well as neck lines, for example on shirts, as well as hem lines on shirts, and asymmetrical sleeves.
Before they even came out in stores, I bought a skirt on line, long in back and a little shorter in front, in teal, which I wear with a flowing teal cardigan and a tank top.
I also got a Roxy dress, a white sun dress, mini in front, and knee length in back. I wore it for my son's gig, birthday, with dark blue granny boots, because it was raining. I'd have worn my moccasin woodstock boots, by Minnetonka, the leading maker of moccasins, but it was raining. I had bought them in a wolf motif, Native American type store, where beautiful blankets and woven tapestries are sold, cheaper than on line, and having only one pair left in my size, I grabbed them, since they were on sale. However, I could not wear them that night, because it was raining.
I wore a white cropped jacket, which I thought was a very pretty look, with a white hand bag.
There are other dresses, with unusual asymmetrical hemlines, on line, and they are modeled with cute ankle boots.
I am not crazy about all the designs I see, in terms of tops, like no sleeve at all, on one side, and a long bell sleeve on the other. I do not know. You would have to have a unique place to wear that to.
I did get a dress with a simple strap on one shoulder and a short ruffly sleeve on the other, in pink, short, very cute. I guess that is why I am broke. I like clothing too much. Oh well.
I dreamed that an ex-boy friend died, and I inherited his clothing, which I donated to charity. But, he lived in a building with people, one of which was his girlfriend. There had been a knife in my inheritance.
I went back to get the knife. It was lying on the ground. I took it to donate or sell, but never got that far. It was a very sharp and dangerous knife, a weapon. I never got rid of it. I was trying to. I put it upward, in the waste of my pants, but if I bent over, I realized I would stab myself, and probably kill myself. So, I carried it around, trying to get rid of it. I guess I picked it up, thinking those people would hurt one another, if I left it there.
It is amazing how much knowledge is on line, that you can google, or watch a Youtube video about, just about everything.
Last night I was cleaning my oven, and I could not put the racks back in to save my life. I realized that I was actually becoming anxious, so I stopped, to take a break, also frustrated that I could not find the tin foil, I had just bought, to line the bottom, which finally turned up.
I researched how to put oven racks in, and I watched a whole Youtube video on how to clean an oven, just to see her put the racks back in. I had to put my eye, (I can only see with one eye, and not well at that) right up to the computer screen, to see which way the ridges were going both in the oven, and on the racks. In my 150 spacial relations IQ, I'd have thought I understood this so called, puzzle, but I had them upside down, which was the problem. That was what google said, in that answer thing, but I had been too frustrated the first time I went back to it. Anyway, voila, I got them back in. I got it from the video.
I have been finding that taking alieve for pain, caused my kidneys to hurt, and someone had told me they thought it was really bad for his kidneys, and I googled that today, and it can be bad for your kidneys, so I threw away some that I had, from a friend.
It is frustrating to figure things out, especially on a hot sweaty day. I have a gulf cart for going short distances, and a charger. They are really, really old, but not that old to me, maybe two or three years. I was all bummed out, because my charger would no longer work in the light fixture, outside. I do not have outdoor electricity or water, outdoors, for that matter, so I found a big extension chord, and an area where there was enough energy output. Voila, that worked. But, I had to put a huge sign on my door for the kids, not to trip on the extension chord. I even called them on their cell phones. I just didn't want anyone to get hurt, coming in the door.
I have this place where my front door will not completely close airtight, but that serves a good purpose, even though not energy efficient, because I could put the chord through that small breeze way.
So, much for figuring things out. Now I can rest, alas.
When I have missed a Course in Miracles, study group, which I attend weekly, I can become out of sorts. I forget that it is all illusion, radical forgiveness, nothing happened, and no one is special.
Most of all, I forget to laugh. Some of life is sad, scary, painful and not funny, and there is a time to be serious. It is okay to be sad, to be mad, to speak your truth, and yet it is best to forgive for one's own sake. There is no punishment for not forgiving, and we are not in control of what others' karma is. That is their problem. The thing is to know, you are okay, no matter how anyone judges. That is their issue. All one can do is go on, not even noticing. It isn't one's problem, or even business, to worry about what others think, or what their karma will be.
The focus needs to be on the peace of God, seeing things differently. Resentment is harmful to oneself, and I forget this from time to time. I can do a fourth step, but ultimately I just need to let it go, and accept things. Acceptance is the key, and expectations lead to resentments.
Meher Baba said, "beware of strangers in your heart." When you love someone, who does not love you, they are a stranger, and when you dwell on a wrong someone has done you, you are also having a stranger in your heart.
I think the best way to live is to be kind, be gentle, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Work on forgiving, including forgiving yourself, and love the people in your life, the ones God put in your life. Be true to those who are true to you. Be there for the people you love, even when they are not pleasing you. Don't be a doormat. Just do not abandon the ones who need and love you. That is what I think.
'Your beauty lost to you yourself, just as it was to them, ah take this longing from my heart...' Leonard Cohen
Usually, after I have had my morning coffee, I come up with ideas to write about. Today, I was scheming a short story, but I will not give it away, before it is even begun. I was going over the particulars, however, when a family argument ensued.
My back hurts, and I took ibuprofen for it, but it hasn't fully kicked in. It is my lower back, almost the tail bone.
Life seems so depressing today, due to circumstance, and the only thing I look forward to today, is a town hall meeting via telephone, tonight.
I just feel really burdened sometimes, and no one appreciates me. I work really hard, cleaning and cooking, doing laundry, keeping stocked on things, but I get told I live a life of leisure. Yes, I know I like imaginary yoga poses, like 'limp dishrag,' and 'waterfall,' not to mention 'reclining goddess,' lol, but I almost cried today. I am a fifty-one year old, with no savings account, no husband, two grown kids at home, and all I own is a two bedroom, one bathroom mobile home, and an ancient gulf cart. I suppose I should be happy to own anything, at all, but the AC is going, I am pretty sure, and there is no back up money, so I am in a quandary, but I suppose all is okay for now, so long as I do not heat up the oven on a really hot day, like I did yesterday, to prepare flounder for dinner.
For comic relief, I can tell you a part of why I am not married. I have had a few boyfriends, since my divorce, but everyone of them, for the most part, were not suitable. They were all abusive in one way or another, and I know that is not funny, but it is ridiculous, on my part, that I stayed for four years with an Australian guy, who called me feeble minded, an imbecile, peculiar looking and fat. Well, I may be all those things, but I am not fat. But, why would I be with someone like that?
Not to mention, I had to support the jerk, and I shouldn't have, but no one would help me to see clearly, or help me get out of the situation. I had no support really. My dad said, "he just wants a flop house," and my dad's friend and I just giggled, and laughed our heads off. I had never heard that term before. It sounded so funny, especially coming from my father.
Another funny thing happened one evening. My father, the same friend as above, and myself were at Shenanigan's, which used to be a local bar, that had great drink prices on really good brands, which were actually their happy hour, house brands, such as Maker's Mark and Beefeaters. Anyhow, we were there drinking martinis, and this guy, same guy, comes in with another guy, looked right at us, and sat down at the bar. We were broken up, because he was trying to find a new girlfriend at the Meher Baba Center (how spiritual), as usual. Well, long story short, I went over to the bar. We were sitting at a table, and when I went over there, which my father did not want me to do, a row began between he and I. I was about ready to ring his neck. The bartender told the two men to leave. My father said, once I returned to the table, "he'll be sorry some day," and he was right, but I do not think he was sorry for losing me, just sorry about losing his meal ticket, or life raft, for lack of a better word. There comes a time when opportunistic freeloaders, have no where left to go, except to hell, maybe. Of course, some woman as idiotic as me, if not more, may take him in as well, and he can ruin her life too, and her kids' lives, just like he did his ex-wife's and mine, our own and our kids.'
So, now when I have dated, I find red flags really fast. I haven't met any freeloaders like that since. It is not normal for a man to be that way. Men like to provide for women and children, to an extent, if they are normal. Only a freak like that would leach off someone.
It seems like every man I meet, is hung up on someone else, either an ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend, and once that talk starts, there is no point in continuation of anything. I mean what is the point in hanging out with me, if he just wants to talk about her all the time? How rude!!!
Well, life truly sucks, and that is all I know. I really don't care. Life is not about winning, it's just about living, or at least that is what actor, Joe Montaigne's character, Agent David Rossi, says on Criminal Minds, my favorite TV show. He is totally hot. All the guys, and the women, on that show are hot, but I like him and Agent Gideon best, because they are old, and so am I.
I suppose that is why I like Landslide so much, 'can I handle the seasons of my life?, I don't know...time makes you bolder, children, get older, and I'm getting older too...' Stevie Nicks.
As I have mentioned in other blogs, like many other women, and men sometimes as well, have had to walk away from an abusive relationship.
When I first started blogging, I intended way back when, to write only on this subject, which many bloggers do stay on topic. However, my interests as vast as they are, there were so many other things, I wanted to discuss in my writing. My novel even came about, on the other blog I have, thenewhumnitylives.blogspot.com.
It is best not to get into an abusive relationship, to begin with. However, people do not start abusing you on the first few dates, so you can get hooked on someone, when they put their best foot forward, or you like something about them, their looks, how they are when they are nice, the sex, you name it. But, some of these are shallow reasons, and I admit I have fallen for some of these, but once you get full blown involved, getting uninvolved is kind of hard sometimes.
Here are warning signs: 1) isolating you, telling you your friends are not real friends, 2) constant accusations of infidelity, 3) belittling, even if it is supposed to be humorous, 4) inappropriate sexual behavior, and I mean what is inappropriate on your own compass, 5) extreme jealousy, 6) invasion of your privacy, phone, social networks, email and/ or snail mail, 7) constant lecturing, 8) pushing, shoving, hitting, choking, or any type of inappropriate putting hands upon, 9) rule making, ex: you are told not to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, ever, or not to talk to the neighbors, period, while they are at work, 10) if you have a child or children, treating your children badly, such as put downs, calling them fat or stupid, 11) taking money from you, or demanding that you give them your money, because you supposedly, according to them, owe them, 12) constant talk about other women or men, in terms of preference to you, 13) leaving you again and again, expecting you to let them back into your life, after having had sex with someone else. In this day and age, no one needs that.
Some say the past does not matter. Some say we learn from it. Some say forget it, but if you keep experiencing abuse in relationships, there may be an underlying issue. I did, and I still have not gotten to the bottom of it, except that perhaps I once had low self esteem, convoluted ideas, and codependency, fear of abandonment, at any cost.
Finally, a person may just give up, which is unfortunate, but better than being treated badly, in my estimation. Romantic love is not the be all and end all, but if you find someone you truly love, that is a wonderful thing.
I love seeing pictures on Facebook of my son and his girlfriend, and I can see the love they share, and the inclusion of her daughter, whom he loves as well.
But, back to the bad stuff, the last time a man put his hands on me, in a violent way, and verbally abused me, because he was drunk, I bailed, and I never looked back. God did for me what I could not do for myself. I gave no second chances. He called, and said, "are we over?," and I said clearly, "yes."
The old me might not have been as strong, or as wise, but I was older, and more mature, and finally loved and respected myself, and like I said, God did for me what I could not do for myself. I think I was actually afraid of him, as well, at that point, and rightly so.
It is never good to make another person, one's Higher Power, and yet we often do. No matter how much you love someone, I think it is good to love yourself and God, just a little more. Of course essentially, we are all a part of God, but we can only have one Higher Power, which cannot be a human being. It just does not work that way, and everyone knows it.
That was not the only time that I had to walk away. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is not graceful. In fact, it never is, but you can keep your dignity, which others can try to steal. Nothing is more painful in my mind, than feeling that I have lost dignity, feeling humiliated, and it is really hard to deal with.
So, no matter how long it takes, or how crazily, for you to get away, in the end, you win when you do, because you saved yourself. If you can keep yourself together and whole, in the end, you win. Even if they move on to make someone else miserable, even if unfairly not as miserable as they made you, you are the lucky one, because you don't have to be treated like dirt anymore. That is when you are free.
If you read my silly blog, the other day, about the guy..., I will say that I had a really hard time getting away from him. And, in the end, I was all over the map, having a full blown nervous breakdown, trying to free myself. Just the ring of the telephone made me a wreck, because I answered it, the relentless trying to talk me into a reconciliation, that my heart of hearts, did not want, but I felt so much conflict, guilt and confusion. So, looking back, I would have not answered the phone at all, and finally I guess it took truly falling in love with someone else, for me to say, "do not call me anymore. I am in love with..." That was the truth, my truth, and it took what it took. The consequences, and the toll that relationship took on me, were intense, but I will say that I am happy now, and I am well and strong.
As anyone, who has studied yoga and meditation, know, we all have seven chakras, root to crown. I would like to describe each one, its purpose, and how to keep them balanced, aligned and connected properly, as well as open, to the best of one's ability.
Sit in a comfortable position, legs crossed, and if this is difficult, put your legs in a comfortable position. If you cannot sit up straight, you can lean back on something solid.
Simply breath, hands outstretched and open on top of the legs, eyes closed and relax.
As you keep breathing, starting at the root chakra, at the perineum, color red or black like the stone onyx, and visualize either color and groundedness.
Imagine a silver thread leading upward to and through the sacral chakra,
just below the navel, color orange. Imagine openness, creativity, sexuality, energy. See the color orange.
Then continue as you breath, to imagine the silver thread going up to the solar plexus, right in the center of the rib cage, below the breast, the upper stomach, right in the center. The color is yellow, stone citron, energy, your center.
Visualize and just imagine its openness, the balance, the alignment, the connectedness.
Continue to breath into the chakras, down each one, oxygen nourishing every cell with every breath, slowly in and out, no thoughts. Letting any thought go as simply as it came, just breath, as the silver thread continues upward to the heart chakra, the chest center, color green. Compassion, grief, love. Feel your grief unwind, disappointments leaving with every tangle of thread, which simply unwinds, leaving a clear space, and open heart.
Let your breath fill your whole chest cavity, so that you are aware of the back of the heart, as well, which is your mid upper back. You carry stress here, and when there is suffering, this area becomes stressed, so just relax, and feel the green openness, as you simply breath, the silver thread now joining the heart chakra, and we continue.
The silver thread goes upward still, to the throat chakra, color turquoise, like the stone. Lift the chin, so that this chakra opens, chanting yum, repeatedly and softly.
This chakra pertains to communication, singing. A blockage here makes communication less easy, and to express oneself fully, it needs to be balanced and open, so just breath into the fifth chakra, the throat, and feel the connectedness to the other chakras, as well. Visualize its openness, the color turquoise.
The thread continues up through the head and sinuses to the third eye, indigo, center of forehead. Here lies insight, sight beyond the sight of the physical eyes. Look within, at the third eye, and as you look up at it, you will visualize indigo color or purple, a dark blue or purple stone. Many things may come into your vision, but pay no attention to them. Let them come and go, just as they came.
Now the third eye is connected by the silver thread running through it, and we continue to the top of the head or crown chakra, the seventh chakra, highest of all. The color is gold or white. It is the most holy. It is the chakra from which halos come from. Here is compassion, the opposite of human imperialism. Just breath all the way to the top of your head, where gold or white light, or both, emerge.
Continue to breath deeply. Now all chakras are aligned.
Finally open your eyes, bow to honor the light within you, thanking one another for taking this time to meditate, saying 'namaste.'
Feel how different you feel, how much more relaxed and peaceful. Once you have meditated, using a pendulum, you can test these chakras, or ask a friend to. Some may still not be fully open. Some may be very open. It is not automatic. However, the difference in the way the pendulum will swing for different ones, is amazingly accurate, and incredibly obvious.
Do not feel bad if some chakras, one or two, or even more, are still blocked, because we know now which ones need work, and why you are having certain difficulty.
Knowing where and how healing needs to take place, is a step towards healing. Reiki is helpful, as well as continuing to meditate in this way, and do yoga. Even if you cannot take a yoga class, a book can be helpful. There are some very good books on chakra yoga, if you look at your local bookstore.
I had a blockage of the third eye chakra as well as the throat chakra, and I have not checked them lately, but I really experienced how this effected me. I could not communicate, nor assert how I really felt, what I really wanted or did not want to do. I had a lack of insight, as far as what I should be doing, and who I should spend time with, who was healthy for me, and who was not.
I guess no one is perfect, and life always has its complications and difficulties, or usually, but balance is the key, I think, as well as being calm, and carrying on. 'Keep calm and carry on.'
One thing I love about living at the beach, is being able to actually be at the beach. I have actually lived here most of my life, and other than here, besides college, I lived in L.A., only for three years in the eighties, when I was married with my first baby, but of course L.A. is also near the beach, but you usually have to travel to Venice Beach or Malibu, etc.. Here you just go to the beach, and it's warm and calmer.
Yesterday, being June 21st, the longest day of the year, today was a good long day too, for an evening on the seashore, with the companionship of your friends.
We brought chairs down by the water. The water rushed up over our feet. The sky was amazing, majestic, and colorful, and we stayed until eight.
I got a little wet, in my shorts and tank top, to get the salty itch off of me. It was the night of the giant moon, super moon, they call it.
Unfortunately, I can no longer see stars at all, but I can see the moon, if it is bright, and it is dark.
I found I did not need my sunglasses. The light was perfect on my eyes, but the salty breeze misted my glasses, and I will wear some old ones, next time.
It was cool, and so relaxing. I even had to put on some sleeves, amazing. I really enjoyed just hanging out with my friends, in the early summer, at the beach.
The picture above, was not from tonight. That was from the dhuni, a couple winters ago. I do not take any photos anymore, but fortunately I know people who do.
It is good to enjoy the environment, something to cherish, and never take for granted. You look around at tourists, so enchanted to be at the beach, watch the children play, as the tide rolls in, and you feel like you can be on vacation too, forever.
Well, maybe not forever, but whenever, you know? And, you can get the same kind of feeling, peaceful, easy feeling, in the mountains, I suppose, or by a lake, but I like the ocean better than lakes. I mean lakes are good. I guess nothing beats the ocean, though. The salty air, the negative ions, the color of the ocean, the sky. It just seems very healing to me. It always has.
It was nice to be with people, and although I like being alone okay, I have spent so much time alone in my life, that at this point, I would rather be around people, at least some of the time. It is hard for me to really get out to the ocean with my eyesight, so it is nice for friends to take me.
Some people, Americans mainly, I think, find Australians sexy. I don't, but that is only because I was involved with an Australian guy, and he was not a very nice person.
I guess I must have thought he was sexy at one time, because I wasted so much time, in a totally destructive relationship.
I only even thought of this, because I ran out of the talking books I ordered, and was reading the ones the library sent me, that they chose, and it is a stupid romance novel, and the guy is Australian and supposedly sexy.
I know there is more to the story than meets the eye, or ear in this case, but it is not that great. The only thing it had in common with my novel, American Boys, is that fox hunting comes into play, but in my novel, I actually have the fox hunting trip as part of the story. I think fox hunting is crazy, and mean, and stupid. Don't ask me why I put it in my book, except that I wanted my character Lizzy to have a dad who liked hunting, and it is Thanksgiving in Massachusetts. That is when they hunt red and gray foxes. I watched a video, however, of fox hunting, and I hated it. Not the kind on horse back, like royalty of England, King Charles type fox hunting, but more like outback type fox hunting.
I do not even like Australian accents. That is another thing. Many Americans do, but I just hate them. I half expect to get some hate mail from Australian BL's who might be my friends on Facebook, but that would be too much fun for me, because I would verbally kick ass, and I am not in a peaceful mood today.
I know. So much for the peace, love, hippie crap I always show on Facebook. But, truthfully, deep down I have goodness, peace and tranquility, but I am not embracing that today. Jung said you have to embrace your shadow, in order to be whole, and that is my angle.
I am not drinking. It is way too early in the day, so do not think this attitude I have is alcohol induced.
I guess I wouldn't hate the Aussi dude so much, had he not extorted all my money at the turn of the millennium, and had I not reached out to the Australian BL's who have money and run to India and the U.S. every ten seconds, if they could help me get at least fifteen hundred back. They wouldn't, so I don't associate with them, not even the Baba, so called big wigs, whom I will not name.
Jeesh, I can't even afford to take a trip from Myrtle Beach to Charleston, anymore. Last time I came home to an overdrawn bank account.
I hope you realize that this is partly tongue and cheek, but for real. I mean everything I said here is the God's honest truth.
Well, I am going to not dwell on creepy jerks, and enjoy a beautiful day on the Summer Solstice. Honest expression is a positive thing. And, by the way, this is not racism. Australian is not a race. Perhaps, it is hate speech, but they can send the hate right back, and I would just enjoy it tremendously.
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