Feel Too Much or Feel Too Little/ I Don't Know Which is Better

"Come to your life like a warrior, nothing  

will bore you," Chris Williamson (Song of the Soul) 

     I worry sometimes about my apathy, indifference, and then I think perhaps it is healthy to be this way.  I know I have bored everyone to tears with my stories, and especially my stories about Alan, but truthfully, I did not always treat him the best, nor him me, and I don't know why this does not drive me mad.

     I guess you grow up at some point, and you have to be a mature adult, and realize that all your fantasies of life are not going to be the way you thought, once upon a time. 

     I really do not know if I feel too much or too little, but I guess just being in the middle is what sane is, not overjoyed, but not incredibly depressed, but of course you could be either, and still be sane.

     I am kind of bored with intellectualism, and people showing the world how to get rich, make dreams come true.  I wonder if I am just bitter, or have given up all this thinking.  I guess motivational speaking just does not excite me.

     I guess that is why I mentioned that song, Song of Soul.  It is so positive and energetic, and sometimes I just feel so weary, so tired, so bored with so many things.

     You just keep on, and I guess the thing that bores me most, is ambition.  I guess I have just lost mine, lost my ideas of what I am supposed to do or be.  I wish I had not always been a dreamer.

     Dreamers are not the type to go to law school or medical school, but I did try to pursue some other avenues.

     I wish I could just forget it all, everything, the past.  I was so upset the other day, because my sister and brother in law, I think, misplaced a video of my family, my kids, their father and me, in our old house, on Christmas morning, when David was three, and Teddy was nine, and David got a bicycle with training wheels, and a Sesame Street house, which I was assembling for him, on Christmas morning, and then we went out and road his bike.  We were in our beautiful house, the family together.

     I had the footage of all the relatives over for Christmas dinner, and the cousins having a singing contest, Teddy singing Away in a Manger and David singing Old McDonald, or what he knew of it, "quack quack here, quack quack here..."

     It is as if it all dissolved into the twilight zone.  I guess that is why Landslide is my favorite song, and I'm singing and playing it so much, I'm wearing it out, because, 'time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too...'  In fact, I heard it in the grocery store today.

     I'm through 'philosophising,' as hillbillies say.  I don't know the answers anymore.  I really don't.  

"I really don't know life at all."    Joni Mitchell     Both Sides Now