Parenthood

     There was a scene in the movie Terms of Endearment with Deborah Winger and Shirley McClain that came out in the mid '80's.  I saw this movie at a drive-in in the Los Angeles area after an extra work commercial with my ex-husband, our first born baby, about one and a half and our friends, another couple with a baby the same age, also a boy.
      I recall in the movie, that Shirley McClain, who played the mother of Deborah Winger's character who is dying of cancer in the hospital, is yelling at the nursing staff or anyone who will listen to give her daughter more morphine.  She is like a mother lion, cannot see her daughter in pain.
      In the film, Deborah Winger has two little boys, one named Teddy like my Teddy.  I have a son named Teddy.  Her husband is a cheat.  It is all very sad.  She and her husband did not stay together.  In my own experience, that just does not work.
       It is normal I think for a mother like Shirley McClain in the movie to get upset like this.  I acted the same way with my son Teddy's illness.  He is twenty-nine, and has not been well.  It is not like Deborah Winger in the movie, but he has needed medical attention, and I have been frustrated with some of the medical profession.
     I really think that a mother's true instinct is to take a bullet for one's child, at any age their child may be.  I realize some mothers may not have this.  I do not judge them or know why or think I am better.  God knows I have not always been the best mother. 
      If you do not have children and cannot relate, you still have or have at least had parents and they probably felt or feel this way about you.  I hope so.  
      Sometimes I feel I have no one.  I know I have God.  The thing is I am a mother and I am a grown up, so I guess my friends are more than enough.  I do have good friends.  I also have a mother, and I love her, but it is a difficult relationship.  I know this is not unique, and I probably should not be sharing this, but it is not that big a deal, just happens to be true.
      Yesterday I did housework, not that I do not do a certain amount of house work on a daily basis, a bit had piled up, since I have been working on my writing. 
      I just wanted to share a little about parenthood.  I think sometimes that if my marriage had stayed together, I would have been a better mother, since my marriage ended when my kids were little, and my ex-boyfriend, the one from Australia in case any other ex-boyfriend is reading this, (you will know I do not mean you), was not very nice to my children.  I should not have stayed with him.  When I combine some memories of his behavior towards my son Teddy with the thought of Ted being sick, I get furious at this man and at myself for being with him.  In the Course in Miracles, I am supposed to forgive, well not supposed to but to achieve atonement, or oneness with God, I must radically forgive.  I have tried but so far this forgiveness has not come.  It has come in small spurts, concerning certain situations, but being the mother lion, I feel some anger, and I know some of this anger is going inward making me depressed, but I know that in these circumstances, I would be crazy not to be depressed.