I am not my story. I may have suffered, maybe still suffer, and may yet to suffer, but it is not what or who I am. If you build your whole existence around your past, present or future suffering, what is that? Dead bones. I have suffered too, even in a clinical way at times. Does this mean that I think I suffered more than anyone? NO!! Does it mean I am that, that I identify with my pain? Absolutely not!
Do I think it is bringing me closer to God? I have no idea.
All I know is that I can choose peace now and anytime over anything else. Recently, I was so worried about my younger son, I literally was physically and mentally ill over it. Still, even then, I could have chosen peace over that. I have a choice.
I realize many people have emotional imbalances, even me, but I do not center my life and identity around that. I choose joy and happiness.
Sometimes I think Meher Baba followers put way to much emphasis on suffering, like it is a part of the religion. I find this somewhat unfortunate. Most people have suffered at one time or another. The truth is that enlightenment brings less suffering, because the enlightened individual knows that it is just illusion. Baba followers do not like this concept for the most part.
Truthfully, I am tired of people wallowing in self-pity. I have done it, do it too sometimes, but when you think about it, it is such a major turn-off. It is like, 'I have such a hard life... I suffered the most...'
I am half blind and I do not carry on like this. Frankly, I am getting tired of it. I know someone close to me who is constantly suffering over everything. I feel like saying, "for crying out loud, get over yourself."
There are soldiers coming back with injuries and PTSD and people have died in war camps, and people have lost their homes in storms, and people have had their child die of cancer. Wake up and smell the coffee. As Phil Collins says in a song, 'oh, think twice, it's just another day for you in me in Paradise...'
The other thing that really annoys me for lack of a better word, is 'specialness,' which in A Course in Miracles does not exist. No one is special. My parents met Baba. I spent a bit of private time with Mehera and corresponded with her, even grew up on the Meher Center and my mother still lives there with Meher Baba's permission (in a house my parents bought, built, and payed for, as well as the road they built that everyone uses, and the land, which the center selfishly and incredulously wants for themselves, even though I have no house. Screw the Meher Spiritual Center). This does not make any one of us special. When I hear people talk of their 'special' relationships with the Mandali, Baba's close ones or household, I want to... I will not say, but I guess you know where I am going with this. I am sorry if you find me irreverent, but this is where my spiritual training, post Baba upbringing, has brought me, and I do not understand the old ways. My ego will never be invested in these types of things. And, yes I choose peace. If you do not like hearing the truth about the center, that is your choice. I still choose peace over resentment and anger. In fact a lot of people will not like a single thing in this blog, but that is alright too.
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