Anyway, yesterday, I picked a card twice, and both were about forgiveness. Now, the Course in Miracles says there is nothing to forgive, because in actuality nothing occurred. However, one must be careful with this concept. For example: if you were to say to me, "Leslie, I'm sorry about...", and I said, "hey look man, there's nothing to forgive. Nothing happened, dig?..." This would not only be confusing, but rude and condescending.
I think I have taken some grudges, grievances, resentments, whatever you want to name them, to an extreme at times, like, "you know how that time, on a Thursday, in 1989, you said..." and so forth. I know that sounds extreme, but I am barely embellishing.
I am tired of carrying all this baggage around. It does not mean I have to be best friends with people I think did me wrong, etc., but I can forget and let it go. It is not serving me, and it prevents me from having healthy new relationships as well as healthy relationships with people already in my life.
Financial resentments are very great, because money makes the world go 'round, and we all need it. For example, if we lent someone a lot of money at one time, and they never payed us back, and we are now struggling financially and could really use that money now, it is hard not to feel that one is owed reparations, and in a perfect world, it would be got, or perhaps have never happened in the first place. In twelve step programs, the ninth step is about making amends, and for many people this includes financial amends, some that might not even be known about, like at the work place. This is an extreme example, or perhaps back taxes or money owed to friends or family. The problem is that not everyone has a program. Some people in twelve step programs, do not have a program themselves, because of not working it. Still, some people not in programs, have emotional sobriety.
I was singing at an open mic jazz club in Columbia in '09 while attending the South Carolina Commission for the Blind. I said into the microphone, before playing my song, "this is a song I will be singing at an emotional sobriety workshop." It was not meant to be funny, but for some reason it came across that way.
I feel that I have come to a place in my life where, although I am far from perfect, I have a bit of that. I do drink in moderation now, but I act much better, and feel better than I used to. When anyone says I seem to be doing really well, I am always surprised, because I have an ingrained sense that something has got to be wrong, like I am just always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We all come from dysfunctional families, and sometimes we cannot help but expect something bad around the corner, like your parents having a fight when you were a kid, or just something, someone bullying you at school. What I am saying is that a lot of it goes back to childhood. Most people have not had it easy. These are difficult times, and have been for what seems like always. I am reading a book right now about slavery in America, slavery of the black people and what it was like after being kidnapped and brought over the Atlantic Ocean on ships.
So, back to forgiveness, I feel that forgiveness is so important. In fact in ACIM, the meaning of atonement is corrected perception or forgiveness, which is the same exact thing, so I correct my perception, ask God to help me see things differently, pray for the person I cannot love. As Meher Baba said, "love those you cannot love." That is the hard part, and that is the key to happiness, along with not worrying, as he also said, "don't worry be happy." Namaste. Happy New Year.
well said :-)
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