Single Parenthood; Pros and Cons

   

 Having been a single parent, and feeling guilty, not for my marriage ending, because not only was it not my choice, but it was not a good marriage, at least not most of the time, guilty for my kids not growing up in a higher standard of living, and for my own emotional turmoil and unstable romantic relationships, which caused unsteadiness and stress.  It had its moments, I suppose, the marriage and family life with two parents, I mean.
     I have been doing research to find out if there were other mothers, who feel like I do, like they failed in some way, that they should have been stronger, more stoic.  
     I recall my younger son, bragging about me to an ex-boyfriend of mine, about how, "my mom has never let our utilities get turned off, or not payed the rent.  She's always payed the bills, no matter what."  That is true.  I was thinking, standards should have to be higher in our culture, and I do not know how I managed, but it is true.  I actually felt good about him saying that, something to feel good about.  Some of his friends were not so lucky.  I know married people with kids, who have not been able to pay their bills, got them turned off, got evicted.  Also, when my son was in high school, one of his friends, a girl, had to stay over, because her parents never came to get her on a school night.  I am not comparing myself, just trying to uphold myself, possibly make myself feel better, for being a drama queen, for not being able to raise my kids in the best neighborhood, for going through phases of instability, for getting involved with the wrong guys, for the most part.  But then, as a biker friend once said over a sandwich we were having, "why ya gotta feel better?"  That was the night of my first and only 'on the back of a Harley ride.'  It was fun, to say the least, not to mention he was an artist, as well as a biker, a true southerner, and obviously a deep philosopher.  The question poses something quite deep and philosophical, almost 'A Course in Miracles like.'  It left me speechless and pondering the question for years to come: 'why do I need to feel better?'  After all feelings are not facts.  Right?  And, I need to live on life's terms, feel what I feel.  I don't know, and yet, good counseling can make a person feel better.  I do not know.  It certainly provokes some thought, for what it is worth.
     How long can a person go on beating their own self up, looking for closure, and excuses perhaps?  When I did research, it said finances were the biggest problem of single parents, and that is true, but I do not think it is the worst part.  I mean, my kids had video games, and we always had cable.  They had clothing, food, and shelter.  Sometimes I had a job, and other times I did not.  Finally I had to go on complete disability.
     But, when I could see, most of the time we had a vehicle, but sometimes we did not.  Now I have not driven for years, but I was able to drive for most of the time my younger son was in high school.  
     I am trying to think of some pros now.  I think at times, when the kids were young, that I was more stable with no man around, even more happy, more calm.  Sometimes, I think relationships make parenting worse, and bad marriages are not good for kids.
     I cannot change the past, and take away the scars I have caused.  It was not intentional.  Depression can come upon a person, with no warning.  I do not have the answers.  I wish I were perfect, but I am not.
      I realize that kids need stable homes and need to have stress free lives, and they need to be able to be a kid as long as possible, not have to grow up early, because their parent needs them to, so I look back and feel glad about every childish behavior my younger son exhibited, because children need to be able to be children.  There is joy in the voice of a child, and a child's eyes should not have to have sorrow in them.  Unfortunately, sometimes they do.  Is it our fault, parents?  Partly, I guess, and there is no way to avoid taking responsibility, so how does one live with the past and make peace with it?
     If you have had any experience with being a single parent, or even a parent at all, who has not felt that you did your best in some way, or wish your child or children's life could have been better in so many ways, or any way at all, I would very much appreciate you leaving comments on my blog.  Perhaps, someone, or many people, can help me.  I greatly appreciate any input at all.  I would like as much feedback as possible, even if you have something critical to say, I would welcome your comments, all of them.  Please...