Forgiveness = Atonement

     In a Course in Miracles, forgiveness is the most important thing - corrected perception, atonement.  But, must we not acknowledge, process and not deny what it is to forgive?  Surely, that is important, and many of us have spent years trying to forgive at least one person.
     It is harder than at seems.  Sometimes, I recall things my ex-husband said to me, and I think, 'that was cruel and unusual mental abuse.'  Or I remember his bossiness, and it makes me cringe.  At times, I have thought I had truly forgiven, and had this huge spiritual awakening, but it turned out that I was wrong, because it always came back to another altercation.  So, he moved far away with his new family, and his wife does not want him to speak to me, which is for the best, but as Marianne Williamson says, "if you stand between the person you are with and their ex, you are standing between the healing between a man and a women."  I do not mean that you should have an open marriage.  I just mean that jealousy does not serve anyone, and thus the healing unfortunately may have to spread to another life, not where the two people can be together, but where they can peacefully work out their differences and forgiveness occurs on both sides.  Even if one feels guiltless, there may be something to forgive, even at the deepest level, even a small thing.
     Resentment is like drinking poison, waiting for someone else to die.  In the meantime, when any hard feelings remain, one may lie in bed at night mulling the feelings over and over again, trying to find peace.
      I think the best way is to say a prayer something like this:

     Dear God, 
          I need your help to see this differently.
     I cannot carry the burden of anger, 
      despair and resentment.  Help me to see 
     this differently, and help me to let go of 
     this baggage, which is weighing me down
     and preventing healthy existing and new 
     relationships.  Help me to forgive, by 
     correcting my perception.  I surrender all 
     of this to
     You.  I choose peace.
                                     Amen

Then, one might be able to move on, and be stronger.  This resentment and pain hinders the future, the present.  Sometimes, a lot of guilt is felt, because those of us who are parents may feel that had we made better decisions when we were young, our children may have had a happier, more peaceful and fulfilling childhood.  At least, I do, but I cannot go back and make the right decisions, and perhaps not all of it was my own decisions, that I cannot take every bit of the past on myself, and not let others find their own responsibility, other adults that is, in making life difficult all around.
     So, I can eternally beat myself up, and tear myself down, and take multiple inventories on my character defects, past, present and future, all the while longing for a chance to relive the past right, but I cannot.  So, in order for me to face myself in the mirror, and face life on life's terms, I must forgive myself, first and foremost, and hopefully others will too.  At the same time, or subsequently, I can forgive others as well, and this will be a miracle, atonement.