It is Not Easy to Let Go

     I realize I am always saying, "I am not my story, and I am not living in my story," so if I contradict that in this blog, I apologize.  I just wanted to share an extreme example or two, so that it would be known that I was speaking from experience, and although I am not a psychologist, a Course in Miracles guru, or any type of self help guru, period, just a person with a lot of different experiences, that may or may not benefit others.  Aside from that, I like to write, to express myself, and hope to write another novel, in which Operation Iraqi Freedom is the forefront, rather than just a part of the novel, as in my book, American Boys.  
     I have not been, nor wanted to be in a relationship, since Alan died.  Maybe that will change, but for now I am happy and not looking.
     Everyone knows that it is nice just to have someone to hold you, or to lie beside you all night, to not be all alone, but sometimes one has to find happiness with oneself, and I do not think a healthy relationship is possible, unless one learns to respect oneself enough to know what is acceptable treatment.
     I once had an addiction to a person, which has only been the case that one time, I think, but I remember my sisters coming over together, to intervene.  My then lover, who I had had a very long term relationship with, was coming back again and again, and I was much younger, and when he called, I was scared to say, "no, don't come back."  I tried, but it made me feel guilty and miserable, so instead of waiting through the withdrawal symptoms, I just kept caving in, even though, I knew he was poison for me and my children, and it was costing me a fortune, because not only was I supporting him when he was around, he was extorting all my money, through the use of guilt.  So, back to my sisters, they wanted me to let them call Heathrow Airport in London, England, have him paged, because he would still have been there.  They wanted to tell him not to come back, but I refused, even though looking back, that would have been a really good idea, and I should have let them, but I would never allow myself to be in a funky situation like that now.  I am way past that.  I finally 'grew up,' so to speak.
     They even wanted to have their husbands meet him at the airport, to say that he could not be with me...  I know it makes me sound lame and weak, but I was not in my right mind, and I had to play out the karma to the bitter end, but I finally said, "don't call me anymore.  I want nothing to do with you," and I was able to look right through him, when he did show up in town, in certain circles, and not speak to him.
     I am not saying it always has to be so dramatic and crazy, or extreme, but in this case it did, because this person was persistent, and I was confused.  I am wondering if I should not share this blog, but I guess I have nothing to hide here, I guess.
     I am just saying it is better not to let things get way out of hand and out of control, before you take the reigns and reel your situation in.  Things can really get away from you, when you are not adhering to the Higher Power.  That is why in twelve step programs, step 2 is, 'only a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.'
      I was once staying with a boyfriend on the other side of town, about six years ago, and one day he went out and got drunk, came back, verbally tormented me, and slapped me around, and I ran for my life.  A friend had to come get me, and I went back with friends days later, and got all my stuff.  I had stronger boundaries, respected myself more, was a few years older, was stronger in myself, and rather than waiting to see if he really hurt me, or hurt me worse the next time, I left.  I felt it was God doing for me what I could not do for myself.  The strength which was honestly just common sense, was given to me by God's grace, I think.  
     Note: I had no one else, who I know, in mind, when I wrote this article, so please do not think I meant that this was an analogy of any sort, to anyone else's situation.  In other words, unless this article was helpful for some reason, or not, please do not think I wrote it with anyone else in mind.  My situation was completely weird and unusual, and I do not know anyone like me or the other party in the story.  My point was merely to say, don't stay in unhealthy relationships, because you are addicted to them, and when people try to help, let them help.  Sometimes others see things objectively, which are harder to see subjectively, especially when you are right in the middle of it, or are confused and conflicted, in any way.  It is good not to be co-dependent, and I suppose my earlier story, was a sort of co-dependence. The second was an example of breaking the cycle of co-dependence.  And, again, as I always say, I am not my story, anyway.
     And by the way, if it is true love, then you know it, but letting the idea that it could be true love, lead you, when you are not happy, then it is time to get a grip, and really take a look.  There are always other fish in the sea, as my good friend Gary Gibbs used to tell me, all the time.  He would say, "don't get upset.  There's plenty of other fish in the sea."  It may sound trite, but for me, it was really good advice.