Sunday, October 28, 2012

Self Pity is Never Helpful

     It is always  damaging to compare oneself to another.  There will always be someone richer, luckier in love, you name it. I do a lot of pity partying and it never makes me feel better.  
     Life as the I Ching says, consists of an ebb and flow.  Sometimes, I think I need to take charge, make something happen for me.  I think, 'something is not right.'  I second guess myself, my life, my decisions and waste time and energy, sometimes lying in bed at night, thinking of all I should have done different.
     If I compare myself to anyone else and start to feel ashamed of who I am or what I have in terms of material possessions, I am not serving myself.  If I appreciate the beauty of life and what I have, I am better off.
     I am a mother, a daughter and a sister.  I am a friend, a woman, a lot of things.  Why should I put myself down?  Why should I think, 'well, I'm not as skinny as... or I am not as tall as... and my hair is not straight but curly...?'  The point is that it is OK for me to feel good about who I am, period.  I do not need to go under a metamorphosis, just be.  Yes, I make mistakes, lose friends, alienate others, have plenty of enemies, but Psalm 23, King David says: ..."He prepareth me a table in the presence of my enemies, He annointeth me with oil..."
     If I make gratitude lists and adhere to true, not false humility, all will be well.  If I live by love and not the drive of the ego, I can be happy.  If I can attack no one, live and let live, be with what is, I can be happy.  And lastly, if I stop chasing my ego's ambition and remember that love for love's sake is why I am here, all will be well.  Shanti.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Relief From Grief

     I am starting to feel a little better.  I am not feeling as much intensity over Alan's dying.  I have closure now, and I guess our karma for this life was over.
     It has been storming as everyone knows, but I like storms, because of my goth personality, and my vampirishness, although I do not think that is a word.  I am reading Ann Rice's autobiography, her leaving the Catholic church, her era of darkness and writing Interview With a Vampire, and her final return to faith.  It is interesting, because she always felt 'genderless' and was always with only one man in her whole life, her husband who died in 2002.
     It is funny how we leave our own religions, have no religion, and then discover our own faith.  Many people do not understand my attitude towards God and why I am not more of a 'Jai Baba' type Baba lover.  If you grew up at the center like only my brother and I did, and my sisters somewhat, you would understand the disillusionment, not with Baba necessarily, but I will not go into it.  If you have not experienced something, it is impossible to understand it.
     I probably drove away all my friends, or what friends I had, with my anguish about Alan, my fury, my abandoned feelings, making something about me that was not.
     I feel sick physically tonight, but it is better than mental suffering.  So, I am sorry if I was a whiner for a while.  I think that although I will miss Alan, I can stop dwelling on it.  A change in how one sees things can only come from inside, what they call an attitude adjustment.  These are my only wise words, which I have found through this tunnel of bleak darkness.  Namaste.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Handling Depression and Grief in Healthy Ways

     I think realizing that I was grieving about Alan, made me able to cry and realize there was cause for my depression.  It is OK to miss someone, to love someone.  
     I think a person can try to be strong for too long, and not allow oneself to feel anything, for fear they might fall apart, that there would be no safety net.  But, I am my own safety net.  It is OK to embrace my own feelings.
     The way I handled it was I threw the I Ching for guidance, which guided me to do nothing aggressive as usual, because that is the way of the Sage.  And, like the Dalai Lama says, if you raise your consciousness, you raise the world's consciousness collectively.
     I cried and listened to music and silence as well as doing yoga and journaling.  I guess what really helped me was a child in the neighborhood needed help.  I answered the door without my glasses and did not recognize him, because I had my glasses off.
But, of course then I did.
     My younger son received a beautiful picture of himself with his father when he was so cute, and his father was handsome as well.  I found a little photo album he could use to put pictures in, because I could not find the right frame.
     I cleaned the house.  I did not give in to the depression.  I got out of self.  If I do not make everything about me, all around me falls into place and I can feel useful, even in small ways.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dealing with Feelings of Inferiority

     Feelings are not facts.  They are merely perceptions of how one believes things to be. That is why just a pill or an alcoholic beverage can alter one's state of mind. But, if you have been around you know that drunk people often cry, because alcohol will not make the feelings go away, only numbs it, sometimes even enhances it.
     Lately I have been dealing with a lot of issues, and I have no one to talk to about them.  I feel like my mind is as loaded as a battle ship.  Sleep is my escape, but then I dream and dream, and the dreams are so intense that I am drowning in dreams.
     I woke in the middle of the night thinking Alan was kissing me.  It was the second time I dreamed of him in a row.  We have not been together in a long time, but he got pancreatic cancer and he came over in pain last spring and slept on my futon.  I gave him Reiki until the meds kicked in.  Now I cannot get in touch with him or even know where he is.
     Last night I wrote down everything that I was thinking no matter how dark, no matter how wrong, no matter how not new age or positive, the truth.
     No one is less than.  No one, and yet I think that I am less than.  I really do in so many ways, I cannot begin.  I have pretended for so long that I felt good about myself, so that I would seem normal, professional, positive, but the truth is it is all just a lie.  I do not even know why I am telling this.
      How to deal with it was my topic.  The truth is I do not know anymore.  I do not know what to do.  It is all so deep rooted.
      I grew up doing and accepting what my parents said.  Then I got married and did the same with my husband and had kids, just like Mary Chapin Carpenter's song, 'He Thinks He'll Keep Her.'  She eventually finds herself, empowers herself after all the years of laundry and carpools, etc..  I did all that.  
     I wish that I could have truly empowered myself.  I tried with all my might to learn yoga, to sing, write, taught school, designed halter tops, you name it.  Now I am at a standstill, a stagnation, nowhere to go from here.
     I feel like I could have been a contender, and now it is too little too late.  The only way I know to handle this is to try to erase unhealthy tapes in my head, and embrace who I am.  The other is to just have acceptance of what is.  I feel misunderstood, and yet I know to just be with that, accept that too.  I know this writing is raw, but it is real and the truth.  

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Relationship Advice from a Non-expert

     If you are in love with someone, sometimes it is easier to get over them without the crutch of someone else.  I know a new person or rebound person can seem good at the time, if you do not love the person enough or feel safe enough to call them a safety net, old patterns could come back again once the old object of your affection returns.
     Even if you try desperately to make it platonic, to end it, to keep this person of your real feelings at bay, they will once again emerge.  I do not know any other way except to truly fall in love with someone else and not just try to.  And, this means chemistry of course.  And karma.
     How do I know?  Been there done that.  It did not work.  However, once I did really and truly fall in love with someone else, although it did not last either, I was only then ready to say "adios amigo."  Or, "au revoir."  And this time really and truly mean it with all my heart.  
     So, if you ever beat yourself up like I did for falling apart, not handling things well, not making your decisions very gracefully, for being a mess, know that you are not crazy, just human.  Some of us have clear cut paths in love and life and some do not.  For some it takes longer.  Do not ever judge yourself, even though others will and do.  Believe in yourself.  I did not believe in myself, but I do now, and that is what matters.  The answers come in due time, but sometimes it is a long time in coming, and understanding rather than blaming yourself is a wonderful thing, and at this point, who needs therapy?  LOL.