Dealing with Feelings of Inferiority

     Feelings are not facts.  They are merely perceptions of how one believes things to be. That is why just a pill or an alcoholic beverage can alter one's state of mind. But, if you have been around you know that drunk people often cry, because alcohol will not make the feelings go away, only numbs it, sometimes even enhances it.
     Lately I have been dealing with a lot of issues, and I have no one to talk to about them.  I feel like my mind is as loaded as a battle ship.  Sleep is my escape, but then I dream and dream, and the dreams are so intense that I am drowning in dreams.
     I woke in the middle of the night thinking Alan was kissing me.  It was the second time I dreamed of him in a row.  We have not been together in a long time, but he got pancreatic cancer and he came over in pain last spring and slept on my futon.  I gave him Reiki until the meds kicked in.  Now I cannot get in touch with him or even know where he is.
     Last night I wrote down everything that I was thinking no matter how dark, no matter how wrong, no matter how not new age or positive, the truth.
     No one is less than.  No one, and yet I think that I am less than.  I really do in so many ways, I cannot begin.  I have pretended for so long that I felt good about myself, so that I would seem normal, professional, positive, but the truth is it is all just a lie.  I do not even know why I am telling this.
      How to deal with it was my topic.  The truth is I do not know anymore.  I do not know what to do.  It is all so deep rooted.
      I grew up doing and accepting what my parents said.  Then I got married and did the same with my husband and had kids, just like Mary Chapin Carpenter's song, 'He Thinks He'll Keep Her.'  She eventually finds herself, empowers herself after all the years of laundry and carpools, etc..  I did all that.  
     I wish that I could have truly empowered myself.  I tried with all my might to learn yoga, to sing, write, taught school, designed halter tops, you name it.  Now I am at a standstill, a stagnation, nowhere to go from here.
     I feel like I could have been a contender, and now it is too little too late.  The only way I know to handle this is to try to erase unhealthy tapes in my head, and embrace who I am.  The other is to just have acceptance of what is.  I feel misunderstood, and yet I know to just be with that, accept that too.  I know this writing is raw, but it is real and the truth.