It has been storming as everyone knows, but I like storms, because of my goth personality, and my vampirishness, although I do not think that is a word. I am reading Ann Rice's autobiography, her leaving the Catholic church, her era of darkness and writing Interview With a Vampire, and her final return to faith. It is interesting, because she always felt 'genderless' and was always with only one man in her whole life, her husband who died in 2002.
It is funny how we leave our own religions, have no religion, and then discover our own faith. Many people do not understand my attitude towards God and why I am not more of a 'Jai Baba' type Baba lover. If you grew up at the center like only my brother and I did, and my sisters somewhat, you would understand the disillusionment, not with Baba necessarily, but I will not go into it. If you have not experienced something, it is impossible to understand it.
I probably drove away all my friends, or what friends I had, with my anguish about Alan, my fury, my abandoned feelings, making something about me that was not.
I feel sick physically tonight, but it is better than mental suffering. So, I am sorry if I was a whiner for a while. I think that although I will miss Alan, I can stop dwelling on it. A change in how one sees things can only come from inside, what they call an attitude adjustment. These are my only wise words, which I have found through this tunnel of bleak darkness. Namaste.
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