How to Stay Positive and Not Let Bad Experiences Make One Lose Faith in Oneself

     Sometimes I think people must think I am crazy, but I am not.  I mean everyone is crazy.  But, that is the thing.  I am not concerned about what people think.  If I let the opinion of others define my opinion of myself, I will not be a happy person.
     The fact that this is illusion is helpful, as I always say, but since I have always had to live in a world that was not sheltered from maya and illusion, and have not had the advantage of being able to be naïve, I have had to learn defense mechanisms.  I think I stay away from people a lot now, because I am tired of fighting with illusion, with my own demons.  I just want peace, the peace of God.  I do not want to have conflicts, trials or tribulations.  My life has always been difficult, and I know everyone has problems.  I just have difficulty playing by the rules, conforming, being talked down to, and have spent most of my life being overlooked and underappreciated.
    Marianne Williamson says that if we were to choose to shine, and not hide, afraid that others will not be able to handle how beautiful and wonderful we are, nor oneself realize it, we would have a magnificent, miraculous life. 
     I know what she means, because I am always afraid to really assert myself, because I do not want people to think I am egotistical or self centered.
     It seems like I always take back my own empowerment, in a bad way.  I say how I feel or say what I want, and then I feel guilty for wanting it, and I question my motives, and I do not want to look selfish or egotistical, and so I take it all back.
     I do not know why life is so hard for me.  I used to write my blog with so much confidence, and that has wavered, but I think it is because I was under so much stress, and it is really easy for me to turn the hate on myself big time.  That is why I have to admit that I lack true enlightenment. 
     When I say 'enlightenment,' I do not mean God realization, but the awareness that all is illusion, and a transcendence of neurotic thought to pure love.
     I guess when I say love, I mean unconditional love.
     The world is such a frightened and scary place.  At least the world that I live in, is a scary place.  Not my inner life or world, but the real world, if you want to call it real.  It is hard to come from a place of love when you have been assaulted on the street before, and you are afraid sometimes.  I wonder if this fear is just sensible fear, or if I am lacking in love.  I believe the former, that fear is sensible.
     I guess I could just decide to hate myself because of crappy experiences, or because I feel like people hate me, but why should I do that?  What good would that do?  Would it not be counterproductive?  I think if I have healthy boundaries, and retain my own self respect, then I will not let others get inside my head and bring me down.  I need to have boundaries and healthy defense mechanisms, so that no one else's attitude can effect the way I feel about myself.  During difficult times, it is hard to have these, which is what 'being kicked while you're down means.'  There is no way to put a bubble around oneself, to protect oneself from the world.  I guess the best suggestion that I have is, "this too shall pass."