Recognizing the Need to Heal; the Most Evident Sign of Healing

     There are so many self-help movements, including twelve step programs.  I know the steps.  Been there, done that.  For those who find healing, true healing there, more power to you, but healing goes deeper than all that.
     When you finally realize that you cannot go on being abused by someone, ex: in your own family, like a toxic mother who may have NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, and you research help, no longer wanting to play the game, you are ready to heal.  I am not a counselor, therapist or doctor of any kind, accept a Reiki Master, but I have no credentials in psychology.  Still, the pain was bad enough for me to start doing the work, the research, looking for answers, being pragmatic.
     Society tells us that our mother loves or loved us.  This may be true for some.  I do love my children more than life itself, for they are my life.  However, some mothers really do not love their children.  Many self help books address this to daughters, but there are also mothers so sick, they cannot love sons either, nor grandchildren except on their own terms.  They may be meanest to the weakest, in their eyes, the single daughter, the disabled offspring, the female, the male, or the youngest, even the grandchild.  In other words, she goes down the food chain, so to speak, to whoever she finds most vulnerable.  This is a type of sadism.  She may not realize she is doing this, and it is nearly impossible to get inside her head.  I do not think that even she understands herself, except that she is a narcissist, and she is not well, although she thinks she is and can fool many people into thinking she is well, even to think her kids are the bad ones, but if outsiders have any sense, they can see through this.
     She also may have charisma, and be able to charm people, impress them with her wit, accomplishments, attractiveness, wealth, etc., and she sucks people in with it, but in reality it is all a farce.  She may have all these asserts, and will be nice to people when it suits her, so that they do not know what she really is like, or how cruel she really is, for ex: Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, written to expose her after her death by her children.  We see Joan Crawford on the movie screen and see a gorgeous actress. She even played very nice people in movies like Mildred Pierce.
     It is not these mothers' fault entirely.  They are toxic (sick), because someone in their upbringing, usually their mother, was sick, enabled by their father.  Perhaps we should feel compassion for them, but first and foremost we must feel compassion for our own suffering inflicted by this lack of love and genuine kindness from our own mother.
     Symptoms of daughters of 'mean mothers', (and I recommend the book, Mean Mothers, Heal the Legacy), are 1) feelings of being less than or inferior, even self loathing, 2) not being able to stand the sight of childhood pictures, because it reminds one of the lack of being loved and is repugnant to oneself,  3) feeling guilty, like it was our own fault our mother did not love or like us, 4) being swayed off guard at the slightest portrayal of kindness from our mother, in hopes again and again that things would change and she would finally love us once and for all, 5) eating disorders and self doubt, because our mother says we are too fat, not pretty enough, not thin enough, etc... 6) being an overachiever or underachiever, because we may be trying to prove ourselves, but our mother may have given us such a low idea of who we were, that we gave up, 7) she may manipulate us with false compliments or gifts, 8) she may be nasty when receiving a gift from us, because it is not good enough, even if we put a lot of thought and money into it, 9) she may out and out lie about inheritances that do not exist, promise to buy us a house, etc., but always fall through and never go through, 10) no matter our age she will throw us out, if we live with her, without warning or notice, even if we have no where to go, and even if we are a minor, under seventeen or eighteen years of age, 11) she is warped about sex, and may even encourage you to lose your virginity before ready, claiming something is wrong with you, and the next minute be insinuating that you are a promiscuous slut.
     The first sign of healing and growth are looking for answers, not just believing we are wrong, that we are unlovable, worthless, ugly, fat, etc..  It is not us.  It is them.  And, now we have the tools to heal through books like Mean Mothers..., meditation, deep breathing and yoga.  Reiki can help as well as acupuncture.  
     You also have to at one point, just stop all communication, because that is where boundaries begin.  Do no feel bad about not being there.  She was not there for you.  She did not love you, and any dictate of society is a lie.  You owe her nothing.  She may threaten about inheritances that as I said really do not exist, and even if you are an angel to her, she will treat you like crap in the end anyway, because that is what she 'gets off' on.  That is her thing.
      So, let go and be your own mother.  She did not love the little girl or boy you were, and she may not love you at all, but you deserve to love yourself.  You are a beautiful child of God, who does not need her approval to live.  You are beautiful, smart, and important.
     If I were to believe my mother, I would not be able to love the little girl in the picture attached to this article, but she is wrong.  I no longer need what is not serving me, and nor do you, male or female.