Alan, my father, and my grandfather who died when I was twenty were all in my dream. Three people in my life who have died, all in the same dream.
The theme with Alan was jealousy and insecurity, because I was jealous believe it or not when Alan had stage four cancer. I did not think I was, but I said, "why don't you just hang out with Angela?"
Alan said I was jealous, and I was like, "what are you talking about?"
Alan said, "English is both of our first language."
Well, in my dream, Alan was feeling rejected by Angela and told me she was more attractive than me.
The next thing I know, I am helping my blind, sick father down these steep, dangerous swinging stairs, and I am visually impaired now in my dreams, so I am having trouble seeing, and my grandfather who has been dead for thirty years is walking behind us. We all made it down safely, but it was really scary.
It is obvious, I am insecure about my looks, especially since I am getting older. I felt rejected and jealous about Alan, and I am still processing his death.
Helping my father and grandfather represents my care giving nature, and the fact that I did have to help them both, and now I feel I have to take care of them, and I am disabled myself now. Also, it has always been the males in my family who have needed me, my grandfather, my father, my sons and my brother. Also, some boyfriends, including Alan who died. I used to give Alan Reiki while we waited for the heavy pain medication to kick in. He was in so much pain, it made me cry.
Alan and I were broken up, but still close when he died, so he was no longer technically my boyfriend. Also, he was still married to this woman in Germany he had kids with. Whenever she would bring the kids to visit him, before we knew he was sick, I would break up with him until she was gone, because I felt their relationship was awfully close, and it made me suspicious.
I feel I rejected Alan when he was dying, because he was at my house and I said, "I have a date." What kind of person tells her dying ex boyfriend of six years she has a date. My date came while Alan was there, and I introduced them. My date dumped me that night, and the next night Alan and I were lying down together and I was crying. I don't know if I was crying because Alan was dying or because I got dumped by my new romantic prospect.
Alan said, "he was so insensitive. I told him I had cancer, so he would not see me as a threat. Then the whole time you were getting ready, he just kept looking at your but. I thought 'what a lustful person.' "
The End
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