Obviously, I am writing this from experience, personal experience that is, but I have also done some research on the subject, because I was looking for solutions to my own situation, and reasons. I am very analytical at times, and want to break down the cause and effects. Recently, I was trying to analyze a friend's situation, and she said it was really nice that I thought so rationally.
Anyway, this is what I know from my research and experience. If your belief system is different from those you have grown up around or live around, or have spent much time around, because you yourself changed for any reason, this can be part of it. For example, if all your friends are Jewish and you joined the Methodist church, family included might ostracize you. However, you might not fit in at church either, because your background.
Another thing that can set a person apart is a disability, blindness, deafness, anything that makes it impossible to drive an automobile, especially in rural communities.
Sexual orientation can sometimes cause one to not fit in. I have always been the intellectual, artistic type, so when I was in high school, the boys I was friends with, were mostly gay, and I was mostly friends with boys, until one day some girls in French class invited me to go out for pizza, and after we went to one of their houses to listen to Elton John's new album, the one that had Candle in the Wind on it.
I began to have lots of friends my last year in high school and then when I went to college, but my friends were kind of artsy people too. I belonged to the glee club, French club and drama club in high school. I was in Annie Get Your Gun in college, where I studied art, music and some modern dance as well as the usual Biology, History, English, etc..
So, another thing about not fitting in, and of course now I do not fit in very well in my home town, is that the place you grew up in, such as mine, may not be a good fit for you. If financial problems will not enable you to move, like my case, it can be difficult for you.
I have done about as best as I can, joining clubs, groups, taking classes, but it is not easy. Like the article Kendra Crossen posted to my Facebook page, blindness, even visual impairment like mine, can be off putting to some. I saw a big change in people's reaction to me when I came back from the school for the blind in Columbia with a cane for the visually impaired. I was with Alan then, so it was a little easier for me, harder since he died.
Well, these are the reasons I know, but I will also say that some of us like me, do not have cult mentality, and cannot be brainwashed, so I do not talk jargon. I mean, yes and no. I say a little bit of yoga language, ACIM language, new age, etc., but not constant saying things like, "Jai Baba," but I have my reasons for this, for my distance from the Meher Baba movement. I just wish people would ask me why I am not into that, wish they understood or tried to. That is all I can think of for now. Namaste.
If you have ever been down on your luck in one way or another, perhaps life just was not going well for you at the time, and you felt like giving up. Many, many people have substance abuse problems, and the first thing in any state of hopelessness, is the jumping off period. This is the time to begin. It is back to basics.
The first thing to do is make a gratitude list, even however small, even if it is only three things. If you think, many things will come to mind that one never even thought of. Even little things count.
When you think about people who survived Auschwitz, (I know people whose parents or grandparents did, as well as other concentration camps, and have read many books about people who have lived to tell) you will know that one can survive on the smallest amount of food and be grateful. Even through great physical suffering, and seeing family die, and friends die, the smallest things are a great fortune to the survivor.
We all have one-hundred percent chance of dying eventually, but now that we are alive, we have to live life to the fullest. As I have said before in other blogs, I am not afraid to die. I am afraid of not living. Gandhi said, "learn like you will live forever. Live like you will die tomorrow." I think he meant put your heart and soul into all you learn and do.
I am going to give an example of a simple gratitude list, my own: my live Christmas tree my friends helped me go out and get, and the stand my friends bought for me. My kids are healthy. I still have some eyesight to enjoy for work and pleasure. I have food and shelter. I can pay my bills. I have peace of mind. I could think of more, but this is an example.
Much love to all, and wish everyone a safe happy Christmas and new year! I guess Hanukah came early this year.
Did you ever just realize that you had to change your life in ways? You could not continue with the way things were, possibly certain people that did not mesh with your consciousness any longer. Perhaps, you just wanted a fresh start.
I feel that way now. I cannot move or anything, but I want to change people, places and things, that is outside my family and my online circles. I appreciate my Facebook friends, as well as blog followers and Youtube subscribers.
I think I am just at this point where I do not want to do things my heart is not truly in. I want to follow my heart. When you have an obligation to fill, and a promise, then by all means, it is good to carry it out, but then, and I mean for me, now, I want to do the things that truly make me happy. I want to live a life I truly believe in, and not just carry on with what others want from me.
Sometimes, friendships are not all we would like them to be, or perhaps they just leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled. You always have a right to clean house, and to surround yourself with those who you feel good around. I do not want to be around people who treat me in ways that are undesirable, or that I cannot really be comfortable around. Sometimes, you just start seeing through people, especially when they are doing obvious things, such as social climbing, kissing up to people, whatever. If you find it less than honest or distasteful, then why be around that?
The road to evil is paved with good intentions. Sometimes the 'do gooders' are the worst, the most annoying, and the most offensive, the rule followers, the sticklers. I hate them, lol. I am not sure if I am making sense to you, but I am making perfect sense to myself.
I am ready to move on.
I could not believe my eyes,
Looking up at darkest night skies,
The moon a crescent, I did see her,
Golden and one great star in clear view sight,
Jupiter.
No longer could I see the stars,
Yet I saw one that very night of the crescent moon,
That seemed so close, so bright, not far,
Lying in the night heaven like a silver spoon,
And Jupiter, one star so bright.
Sometimes I think people must think I am crazy, but I am not. I mean everyone is crazy. But, that is the thing. I am not concerned about what people think. If I let the opinion of others define my opinion of myself, I will not be a happy person.
The fact that this is illusion is helpful, as I always say, but since I have always had to live in a world that was not sheltered from maya and illusion, and have not had the advantage of being able to be naïve, I have had to learn defense mechanisms. I think I stay away from people a lot now, because I am tired of fighting with illusion, with my own demons. I just want peace, the peace of God. I do not want to have conflicts, trials or tribulations. My life has always been difficult, and I know everyone has problems. I just have difficulty playing by the rules, conforming, being talked down to, and have spent most of my life being overlooked and underappreciated.
Marianne Williamson says that if we were to choose to shine, and not hide, afraid that others will not be able to handle how beautiful and wonderful we are, nor oneself realize it, we would have a magnificent, miraculous life.
I know what she means, because I am always afraid to really assert myself, because I do not want people to think I am egotistical or self centered.
It seems like I always take back my own empowerment, in a bad way. I say how I feel or say what I want, and then I feel guilty for wanting it, and I question my motives, and I do not want to look selfish or egotistical, and so I take it all back.
I do not know why life is so hard for me. I used to write my blog with so much confidence, and that has wavered, but I think it is because I was under so much stress, and it is really easy for me to turn the hate on myself big time. That is why I have to admit that I lack true enlightenment.
When I say 'enlightenment,' I do not mean God realization, but the awareness that all is illusion, and a transcendence of neurotic thought to pure love.
I guess when I say love, I mean unconditional love.
The world is such a frightened and scary place. At least the world that I live in, is a scary place. Not my inner life or world, but the real world, if you want to call it real. It is hard to come from a place of love when you have been assaulted on the street before, and you are afraid sometimes. I wonder if this fear is just sensible fear, or if I am lacking in love. I believe the former, that fear is sensible.
I guess I could just decide to hate myself because of crappy experiences, or because I feel like people hate me, but why should I do that? What good would that do? Would it not be counterproductive? I think if I have healthy boundaries, and retain my own self respect, then I will not let others get inside my head and bring me down. I need to have boundaries and healthy defense mechanisms, so that no one else's attitude can effect the way I feel about myself. During difficult times, it is hard to have these, which is what 'being kicked while you're down means.' There is no way to put a bubble around oneself, to protect oneself from the world. I guess the best suggestion that I have is, "this too shall pass."
Sometimes I think that no matter how much self help reading, workshops and study I do, I am not getting to be a better person, but perhaps I am too hard on myself.
There is a good chance if you feel this way too, you could be being hard on yourself too.
Another thing is, if you feel bad about something from the past, and it really bothers you, sometimes the things you feel bad for doing or not doing, could have been okay for the other person at the time. One may never know this, unless one talks to that person about it.
Often our egos think that everything revolves around us, and sometimes that can lead us to think that the thing we feel guilty about, is what the other person's perception is. It is not always about us. Sometimes it is more about them, and their relationship to someone besides us, that needed fostering, nurturing or growth. We tend to see the world as always being about ourselves, but that is just the ego. Guilt can be ego as much as other emotions, such as anger and hurt feelings.
I am not saying that no one is entitled to these, but like Marianne Williamson says, and Wayne Dyer as well, if we were to fill ourselves with just love, our lives would be better. There would be no room for a neurotic thought, even.
I talk a lot and often, about a Course in Miracles, which is not a religion. It is actually, technically considered a spiritually based psychotherapy. That is right - psychotherapy.
Now, when it comes to balance, and the people in our lives, many of us are parents. Many of us are not parents, either by choice or by not being able to have children. I think we need to have friends at every station, and every point of view. For example, I am a mother, but I have women friends my age, who do not have children. Many times, people with children, will say, "you wouldn't understand if you have not been a parent." Yes, that may be true in part, but your childless friend may be able to be objective about parenthood, and have some refreshing ideas, that you may not have thought of yourself.
Even if someone has never been a parent, they have probably had parents, or at least one parent, at one time. They may have life experience, so they could have insight into parenting, and the objectivity of not being a parent can be an asset. This is just something I thought of today.
The more we keep an open heart, and an open mind, the more clarity there will be for us, and the more improvement and change, if we think there should be, will be present. Namaste.
I hear the music in the darkness,
In a place where I drown to nothingness,
And yet this nothingness is peaceful,
Longing to write the words down with a pen,
And yet this pen is dry, the paper a napkin.
I try to hide in the real world,
Yet at the same time wish to be seen,
Like a paradox of thought,
And everywhere have been.
Life is not eternal,
The only chance of happiness internal,
For everything I ever learned is but a lie,
Perhaps the answer is somewhere in the
distant sky.
I am not who I was yesterday,
And yet sometimes feel the same,
It's like a ridiculous play, theatre of the absurd,
Perhaps but a game,
Yet in it, not glory nor fame.
The way I see it, ignorance wins each time,
They do not learn, but there is no crime,
Except for the lack of understanding that always prevails,
And in this lonely absence of consciousness,
All I find is nothingness,
And then again, nothingness is peaceful,
Like music in the darkness.
