Wednesday, July 31, 2013

When We Do Not Feel Valid/ And All the Ways We Learned to Not Love Ourself/ How Does One Live?

     The title asks the questions, and the answers I do not know.  There is an expression used a lot in twelve step meetings, 'some are sicker than others,' although often said in jest, I wonder.  Could I fall into the 'sicker than others,' lol?  Maybe not, but maybe so.  Who cares?
     Truthfully, I care, which is why I am writing this.  Sometimes, it seems like I was born in the wrong place, to the wrong family, and that I am still barking up the wrong trees, in so many ways.
     When does the heartache end?  When do disappointments from stupid childhood end?  When is it ever okay to be who you are?  When am I going to be good enough?  Never - who knows?  Who cares?  It gets to the point where you just realize you are sick of trying, trying to be okay in everyone's book, trying to be loved, trying to be understood, hoping people will give you kindness.  Perhaps they do their best.
     Sometimes a stupid, miserable life is not worth living, and no one really knows you, not even your own family.  I feel so spooked by life right now.  I think life is spookier than death.
     I used to have all this sentimentality about life and nature, animals and people, but I feel that is diminishing, and I find myself caring less and less. 
     It seems to me sometimes, that I started being ruined the day I was born.  I look at a childhood picture, and I think, was I still whole?  Was there hope?  I look at a picture a little older and wonder the same thing, and all I know is that my soul feels like it is no longer my whole essence, that all the crap in life, just drove it away, and I have nothing left inside.  Woundedness is lame and stupid, and I hate it when people come from there, but that is just how I feel. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Beautiful Evening at the Ocean; Beautiful Beach

     I really enjoy going to the ocean with friends, in the evening.  The heat is gone, the temperature perfect.  You can swim if you want, but you do not have to worry about getting all hot and sweaty.
     The wind blows gently.  The water runs up to our chairs just right.  And, I feel a sense of calm and serenity, in the summer salty air.
     I could never stand to leave the ocean for any length of time, or to live anywhere land locked.  All my life, I have loved the water.  I have loved the ocean, the salt and sand.
    People arrive on vacation, enthusiastic about the beach and the ocean, just being here.  They walk the beach, and make sand castles.  The children play in the water.  Lovers hold hands.
     I hold a cold drink in my hand, and enjoy the evening, the summer conversation.  All my troubles drift away at sea, and I am renewed again.
     I almost feel like I am on vacation, myself, and I once again realize that I can enjoy my life, that I can enjoy myself.  And, once again, my troubles blow away, into the warmth of the summer night.

The Grass is Always Greener, or So it Seems, but Not Always True

     Lately I had been a little wistful about the past.  However, yesterday, going through some old artwork, I found an old journal from two years ago, and I was not that happy, from what I was saying, with a relationship that I was in.  This person passed away from cancer, and I went through a lot of grief about it, and still feel grieved, but since I have blogged about him, in the past, I would rather not mention his name, since none of you know or knew him, anyway.  Well, maybe some may have met him once or twice.
      This is not about him, though, or any relationship, really.  It is about the fact that we often glorify how things were, and think happiness was then, and really it was not, because most people are often dissatisfied in some way.
     I suppose I forgot about the difficulties I had with this person, and our differences.  Well, really I did not forget.  I had tried to only look at the good, and ignore the bad.  Still, the way it was, I could never really have been happy, and he probably was not happy either, even though there were some really good times.  I guess that is just how life is.
     It often seems like, if only I had this or that, I could be happy, but the thing is, I suppose, to just be happy.  Be present, be in the now, like Eckart Tolle and Ram Daas talk about. 
     I know all too well how difficult it is, when you wish you could change your life, but you just cannot, and you are in a rut or stagnating.  You might feel you are living in the wrong town or community, or like you were born in the wrong family, or married the wrong person.  Still, I guess acceptance is the only way to deal with that.  I do not think it means, do not change the things you are able to. 
     God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
           Amen         
                               The Serenity Prayer

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Being Generous Towards Those Who Do Not Love Us; a New Concept for Me and How That Came to Be

     I was feeling very hurt, very angry, very sad, very confused.  I not only felt unloved, but due to things happening to me, and around me, all I could feel towards me was contempt.
     My reaction to this was, first to be kind of in a daze, not knowing what to do, feeling victimized, felt my privacy, my rights, and so forth were violated, by more than one situation, which occurred last week, the week from hell.
     While I know that some people, who I thought cared about me, do not, I also found that some people in my life, really did care.  But, aside from that, and my feelings of hurt and anger, at not being loved, not being understood, not being cared about, and not being important, although, not totally gone, were transcended a bit, to a higher state of consciousness, thanks to a post by Marianne Williamson, who I subscribe to, and have read just about everything she ever wrote.
     The quote said, not verbatim, mind you, but something like, "we are generous towards those who do not love us."  This really hit home, and I changed the way I was seeing things.  That is what a Course in Miracles is about, that is the miracle.  Sometimes, I forget to say to God, "help me see this differently.  I choose peace over separation from God."  I am tuned into this thought system, so even though I forgot to go to God, He came to me, through Marianne Williamson's beautiful post.
     It is okay if others do not love me.  It is okay.  I am at peace, and I do not have to feel bitter about it, or hurt or sad.  I do not need anyone to validate me.
     The Lord's Prayer says, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."  I can forgive.  I can even have compassion for myself and others, if I choose. 
     I cannot share my personal life on facebook or my blog anymore, but I can share my spiritual journey, which is the most important thing of all.  I can share what uplifts me, and what is an inspiration, and an epiphany for me.  And, hopefully that can help others, who read my blog, as well. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Survivor - One of My Poems










I am a survivor, throughout everything,

Redemption, forgiveness, peace in my soul beyond all fighting,
Suffering is not forever, nor happiness,
But I keep on going in spite of this.

Nothing can break me, not words, nor stones,
My soul lives on when my body is but bones,
For I am not a hater, nor will I be broken,
Only truth need be spoken.

Pain drifts into peace, peace into sleep, and sleep to dreams,
For when I lie down to rest, my soul is peaceful, my heart is grateful.

I need not defend myself, truth speaks for itself,
And blessed are the meek, the poor, the downtrodden, the righteous,
For they shall see God.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

People Will Read Again!!!, a Quote From Vanilla Sky

     Seriously, I was cleaning out my book shelves today, getting rid of books.  I was not certain whether to get rid of all of them.  I mean, we all need some books.  Right?  Unfortunately, my book shelf is in a place where it is hard to see.  It is just the lay out of my home.  Maybe that is a good thing, or not.  You can tell a lot about someone by their books, even if they cannot see well enough to read them.
     Both my kids were home, so I was suggesting to each of them, what I thought they might read.  Some were self help books, and some were fiction, as well as some poetry books and some of a spiritual nature.  My kids did not want to read, though.  
     I said, jokingly of course, "have I raised a couple of illiterates?"  My father might have said a thing like that.  
     My son said I sounded like the mother on the show Two and a Half Men.  Ha, ha.  
     I got rid of some books and yoga videos and games, but still too many books.  Sometimes I feel like throwing out everything I own, and going on some kind of new life or something.  It is not that I do not appreciate the things I have, just that I feel so weighted down all the time, so trapped by illusion, so much inertia, like walking in quick sand.  My back hurts with the weight of all I feel loaded down with.
     It is not that I do not have a positive outlook, or that I am depressed, just this incredible longing to be free, to be free to do what I really want, but can't.  It is hard to explain.  It just is what it is, I suppose.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Happy Fourth of July/ Independence Day

     To celebrate the 4th of July, you may be going to a get together, or having one, going to see fire works, or what not.  
     I intend to serve fresh strawberries, cut up, and real whip cream, from heavy cream and splenda for sweetener, served in a big, blue bowl.  
     My poor kids, when they were little.  I never let them have anything, except sparklers, in terms of fireworks, when they were kids, and they had to have a bucket of water to put them out in.  It is good to be careful, with fireworks.  
     I got a free tarot card reading tonight, on line, and I realized from the card I got, and its explanation, that I have been trying to conform to others, and have been afraid to be myself, or to follow my own intuition.
     I guess the idea is to be independent, and stop worrying about what others think and do.  It is okay to think as an individual, and preferable.  If that were not the case, nothing would ever be achieved, and no one would ever really be free.  

True Feminism is More than What Some People See it As

     Yes, women need to have a right to choose, but choosing to have a child, with or without anyone's approval, including the father, is also a right to choose.  Choosing life is a choice, too.  
     Some women don't have a baby, because their boyfriend or husband does not want one, or want her to, and therefore, she might have an abortion.  I have sources, who have told me this.  The fact is that it is not his decision, either way.  If she just does not want kids, that is one thing, I suppose that is her choice.  But, perhaps some women are choosing a man over a child.  If that is the priority, then fine, but it is still a feminist move, in my opinion, to say, "hey look, I'm having a baby period.  It's my baby.  I'm having my baby with or without you."  That is what I did, and it is a feminist, free spirited thing to do.  
     I realize there are many other reasons, that might lead someone to terminate a pregnancy, and I am not judging.  I am only saying that making a choice to bring a life into the world, can be a feminist choice, too.  That is all.  I guess that is a known fact, anyhow, and I need not say it, even.  

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Steps to Staying Happy and Sane in a Pretty Difficult World Sometimes/ I Know Everyone Knows, But I Like to Remind Myself

     First and foremost, feelings are not facts.  All suffering is caused by lies we tell ourselves, or lies we hear, that we believe.  While intuition is good, one needs to draw the line between good intuition and just plain paranoia.  I think we all know who and what is good for us, and healthy, and what is not, in the long run.
     Here are things, which I think are important to remember, 1) do not think too much.  Rely more on your gut instincts.  Thinking too much can turn into a mind f- if you know what I mean, 2) never compare yourself, your circumstances, or your possessions, to those of others, it is a nonproductive thing to do, 3) remember that no one on earth, is always completely happy, that no matter what the deal is, it could be worse or better, but it just is what it is, and 4) do not worry about what other people think of you.  They will think what they will, beyond your control.  They will talk behind your back, and to your face, but it does not even have to effect you.  Just ignore it, them, and move on.  There are always other friends to be found, and there are always places you will fit in, even if your friends are fickle, two faced, and stab you in the back.  Feel sorry for them.  People only put you down, to make themselves feel superior.    
     If people make you less, they think it somehow makes them more, but it does not work that way.  You are a child of God, and they cannot touch you.  I guess when I say you, I mean me.  I have come to see this kind of behavior as nothing but lame.  People only put people down out of jealousy or judgment, which is stupid, because one needs to walk in another's moccasins before judging them, and another's experience is no one else's business.  Why someone would want to tear another down, beats me.  I have no idea, except that it validates them somehow, in their own imagination.  It is just that I have experienced  much contempt from people, at different times, whether or not my own fault.  I think if it were my fault, I at least tried to make it right, or make an amends.  If someone cannot accept that, then they were looking for a reason to part from you, and perhaps it was mutual.  It is not a reason for hate, although sometimes it feels that way.  It can feel like hate coming your way, but the best way to deal with that, is to tune it out.  Send out loving vibes, no matter how you feel, to the world in general.  It is like reiki, just sending good energy, and protecting one's own center of well being, at the same time.  And, most of all, just let go.  If patient, things can become clear, less abrasive, over time, and it will no longer be an issue.  It is only painful if one allows it to be.  
     Like the song, Who Knows Where the Time Goes, the lyrics say, 'sad deserted shores, your fickle friends are leaving, ah but then you know, it's time for them to go, but I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving, I do not count the time...'   Sandy Denny, covered by singers such as Judy Collins
     The thing is that people just grow apart sometimes.  Of course, sometimes nothing can bring you together again, but that is only because it is no longer meant to be.  People who truly love you, will stay in your life.  It is called unconditional love, and it goes both ways.  Perhaps, I am naive to speak of unconditional love.  I know I do not know everything.  Also, everyone has a right to their opinions.  I just put mine out there all the time, with my blogging.  But, I do know I need to stop being wimpy and apologetic all the time, just for being me.  It is one thing to try to avoid hurting people's feelings, which has been my goal, to stop hurting people's feelings, with some of my strong opinions.  I guess what I mean is that there must be a way to have sensitivity to others, and at the same time, be true to your beliefs.  Perhaps, one can be quiet about them at times, until the time comes up, when you are actually asked, or have a chance to have a voice, if that makes sense.   
     Another aspect, 5) is to stay in today, not tomorrow, or yesterday.  Stay in the power of now.  Be mindful, whether it be at work, folding laundry, taking an infant to the park, making a cup of tea, or cooking and eating a meal, alone or with company.
     Lastly, but not least, perhaps most, 6) forgive yourself and forgive others.  In a Course in Miracles, this is the meaning of atonement, but on a lighter, more layman way, simple forgiveness, especially for oneself, makes a lot of difference.  It is like finally being able to breath again.  Breath in self-forgiveness, breath out gratitude, or vise verse.  I just made that up, but it makes sense.
     Resentment, which is really the same as not being able to forgive another, or others, is like drinking poison, waiting for another to die.  It is a number one offender.  Breath in forgiveness, and let resentment go with every breath going back out.  Meditate on forgiveness, self and others, and letting go.  The most important to forgive, of all, is oneself, because to be happy, loving oneself is absolutely necessary.  It is absolutely important to be compassionate, without being an enabler, but it is fundamental to be compassionate to oneself.  Self recrimination, deprecation, and self judgment, are a destructive path, to say the very least.  I have gone that route.  I know first hand.
     Every tortured soul has thought at one time or another, 'why am I even alive?'  The thing is that no one has a choice in the matter.  You just are, and that is how it is.  
     Life on life's terms, an AA expression, and a good one, is one of the best slogans ever presented by any group of any kind.  What other way is there to live?
     No matter what religion, it is all pretty much the same.  To be a Christian, is to be Christlike, not to judge, asking one's Father in heaven to forgive others, just like Jesus did on the cross.
     In Buddhism, it is a wheel of life, a wheel of suffering, in a sense.  No one escapes the suffering, one way or the other.
     In Hinduism, it is karma, the law of attraction, do onto others, as you would have done on to yourself, just like Christianity.
     A Course in Miracles, is if I attack my brother, I attack my own self.  I am but crying for love.  When my brother attacks me, he or she is crying for love as well.  It just does not seem that way at the time.
     In Judaism, it is just basically, be a good person.  You will rise up on judgment day and be judged, sort of like what Jehovah Witnesses believe, but not as radical.
     Meher Baba said, "love those you cannot love."
     The I Ching says to come from a place of gentle integrity, never striking out at anyone, but taking action, only when the time is right, but to be a superior person, not indulging in inferior influences.  "Once you put your toe in it, you are swimming in it."  Also, "the hysterics of the ego, only bring downfall and humiliation."  There are times for retreat, times to withdraw, and times to glide like a "fox on thin ice."  There are times when there is stagnation, times of increase, and times when rain comes down like waterfalls, cleansing everything, and there is a time of the sun coming out, time to make haste.  
     What I am saying is that all these philosophies are good, one and the same.  They are all paths to God, good paths, which lead to the same place, unity, oneness, peace of mind, serenity, heaven, love, and the Holy Spirit thought system, rather than the ego-mind.  The big mind, the higher self, the true self, the infinite mind, oneness again.  Namaste.  

An Obituary of Alan/ It Has Been Almost a Year Since Alan Died/ I Thought I Would Write About What He Was Like/ And What it Was Like to Be Close to Him

     Alan Deans Ferguson died in September, 2012.  The date of Alan's birth is not precise, because he was an orphan, born in Edinburgh, Scotland, adopted by a Presbyterian minister from Glasgow, Dr. Robert Ferguson and Mrs. Ferguson, but his birthday was January second, and he was fifty-five years old when he died, so you can do the math.
     When Alan was twelve years old, his family, his sister, Elizabeth, his parents, and his brother, moved to Knoxville, Tennessee, from Glasgow.  Dr. Ferguson obtained a position as pastor of the largest Presbyterian congregation there.  
     Alan rebelled against the church, and became an atheist, went through some of the hippie culture, experimentation, etc., in high school, did some college, and moved to the UK, as a young adult, and then to Germany where he married Beatte, and had three daughters.  
     The marriage did not last, and Alan left his family, and went back to the United States.  He and his wife remained amicable, and he had lots of visitation, with his kids, and his wife as well, since she was fond of him, I suppose.
     He did not embrace the church.  However,  his father, Dr. Ferguson, only died a few months before Alan.  He did embrace his parents' extremely conservative political views, but it may have been just a way to seem different from all his liberal peers.  All his friends were Democrats and liberals.  He was very opinionated.  Once he, his friend, Danny, and I went out to lunch at a nice bistro, and on the way, I said, "You can't talk about politics around Alan."
     Danny said, "with Alan, you just have to listen to him talk about politics."  That was true. 
     We had other good times, going out with Danny.  Once we all went out to hear one of my son's gigs.  I was really drunk, and was playing and singing a few songs.  My son, David, made me stop, saying I sounded drunk.  Alan and Danny said I sounded great.  That very same summer evening, my ex-husband showed up there too, to hear David.  Alan asked him, "was Sage (Sage being the name he always called me) always like she is now?"
     My ex-husband told him, "exactly the same."    
     Alan always played European disco sounding music, or Latin, in his car.  He was snobby about American musicians.  He liked Roy Harper a lot, and the more recent pop star Adele, until everyone else started to like her too, and she became really famous.  He even liked Lady Gaga.  
     What I liked about Alan, was the way he looked when he took a drag on his cigarette.  I thought he looked like Anderson Cooper, who is really hot.  We once ran into my sister and brother in law in the Thai restaurant.  We sat and had dinner with them.  My sister had never met Alan before.  She said, "Alan, you are very handsome."  She does not hand out compliments often, especially to men.
     I liked the way he took me out, and he always payed, and bought me whatever I wanted, within reason of course.  I would not ask for much.  He also took me on trips to Columbia, and even Laurens, South Carolina, six hours away, on family business, my family business.  He was an excellent driver, too.
     I like the way he liked shopping and decorating, and his enthusiasm, his aestheticism.  I liked his good hygiene and cleanliness, and the fact that he cooked.
     I liked the fact that he worked two jobs, had a work ethic.  When Alan was dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, one of his jobs had a fund for people in situations like this, where he had medical bills, and was getting to where he was no longer going to be able to work.  He worked for as long as he possibly could.  
     Although he had his quirks and weirdness, like everyone, or maybe even more, he was a good person, not religious, but morally honest and decent.
      Since, Alan was only given about four months to live, with no treatment options besides pain management, his mother and sister came to see him.  I got to meet them, but it was under such sad circumstances.  His mother, naturally, had terrible sorrow in her eyes.  Her husband, Alan's father, had passed away, only the last Christmas.  She was bereaved about Alan's terminal illness, but I sensed a stoicism in her, in a positive way, that is.
      Alan was saddened by the fact that he was dying, and yet he comforted me when I was crying, although I just said I was depressed, not that I was crying because he was dying.  He asked me if I wanted to lie next to him on the futon, in my living room.  I did, and he held me.  Then he took us out, to get some Thai take-out food, which we brought back to my place.  We watched some comedies on VHS, that he brought over, and I cheered up a little.
      Lastly, he was quite intelligent, and spoke well.  He had a good vocabulary, and I learned big words from him, which I now use, such as sophomoric and disingenuous. 
     I only had one picture of Alan, with his kids, and it got misplaced somehow, so I posted a picture of the ocean, since he loved it so much.  He always rented an apartment right near the beach, and loved living in Myrtle Beach, because of the ocean.  He intended to stay here for the rest of his life, which is exactly what he did.  

Monday, July 1, 2013

Making a Difference

     I think what gives life meaning is, did I make a difference?  Did I effect someone's life in a positive way?  Did I do anything good for anyone?  Did I help anyone?  Was I friend, a good friend to someone?  Was I a good mother, even ever?  Things like that.  
     You know how sometimes someone really inspires you, especially when you see them overcome really hard obstacles, achieve so much, and complain so little.  
     I guess I want to make a difference in some way.  That is why I involve myself with politics.  I do not think I am just outpouring opinions, like on a soap box or something.  I am really genuine about the things I believe in.  If I could, I would do more, I think.
     Today I have been thinking about the meaning of words, and how the English language has turned words that once had positive meaning, to pop psychology, negative terminology, because they are always used in a negative context now.  One such a word is enable or enabler.  I think of this, because I know that I am one of those.
     I hate to always bring up Alan, but he used to use that word in a positive way, and I had never heard it used any way but negative.  Before he 'fell out of love with me,' I guess, he used to say, "I just want to enable you.  I want you to be able to do whatever you want, to have everything you need."  That was really sweet.
     I have to let the bittersweet past go, and move forward, because nothing can change.  You can't do things over.  You can't make loved ones alive again, when they die.  You can't make the wrong things of your youth, and your children's childhoods, disappear.  You just have to accept everything.  
     I wrote a song that starts, 'when I think about the past, it always makes me sad, 'cause every decision I made was always bad...'  Maybe I am being hard on myself.  Why can't all this new age healing ever really heal me?   Why can't it make me stop blaming myself, beating myself up, for all my mistakes?  
     I wish I were just a better person, from beginning to end, had made better choices.  No matter what anyone says, there is no proof that there is another life in which to do things right.  No one can prove that.  This life could be all there is, your only chance.  Perhaps the sound of rain is making me melancholy.