Sunday, June 30, 2013

Great Styles/ Asymmetrical is In

     I really like some of the clothing being made now. I especially like the asymmetrical hems on skirts and dresses, as well as neck lines, for example on shirts, as well as hem lines on shirts, and asymmetrical sleeves.
     Before they even came out in stores, I bought a skirt on line, long in back and a little shorter in front, in teal, which I wear with a flowing teal cardigan and a tank top.
     I also got a Roxy dress, a white sun dress, mini in front, and knee length in back.  I wore it for my son's gig, birthday, with dark blue granny boots, because it was raining.  I'd have worn my moccasin woodstock boots, by Minnetonka, the leading maker of moccasins, but it was raining.  I had bought them in a wolf motif, Native American type store, where beautiful blankets and woven tapestries are sold, cheaper than on line, and having only one pair left in my size, I grabbed them, since they were on sale.  However, I could not wear them that night, because it was raining.   
     I wore a white cropped jacket, which I thought was a very pretty look, with a white hand bag.  
     There are other dresses, with unusual asymmetrical hemlines, on line, and they are modeled with cute ankle boots.  
     I am not crazy about all the designs I see, in terms of tops, like no sleeve at all, on one side, and a long bell sleeve on the other.  I do not know.  You would have to have a unique place to wear that to.  
     I did get a dress with a simple strap on one shoulder and a short ruffly sleeve on the other, in pink, short, very cute.  I guess that is why I am broke.  I like clothing too much.  Oh well.

My Dream - The Knife

      I dreamed that an ex-boy friend died, and I inherited his clothing, which I donated to charity.  But, he lived in a building with people, one of which was his girlfriend.  There had been a knife in my inheritance.
     I went back to get the knife.  It was lying on the ground.  I took it to donate or sell, but never got that far.  It was a very sharp and dangerous knife, a weapon.  I never got rid of it.  I was trying to.  I put it upward, in the waste of my pants, but if I bent over, I realized I would stab myself, and probably kill myself.  So, I carried it around, trying to get rid of it.  I guess I picked it up, thinking those people would hurt one another, if I left it there.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Home Improvement and Info at Your Finger Tips


     It is amazing how much knowledge is on line, that you can google, or watch a Youtube video about, just about everything.
     Last night I was cleaning my oven, and I could not put the racks back in to save my life.  I realized that I was actually becoming anxious, so I stopped, to take a break, also frustrated that I could not find the tin foil, I had just bought, to line the bottom, which finally turned up.
     I researched how to put oven racks in, and I watched a whole Youtube video on how to clean an oven, just to see her put the racks back in.  I had to put my eye, (I can only see with one eye, and not well at that) right up to the computer screen, to see which way the ridges were going both in the oven, and on the racks.  In my 150 spacial relations IQ, I'd have thought I understood this so called, puzzle, but I had them upside down, which was the problem.  That was what google said, in that answer thing, but I had been too frustrated the first time I went back to it.   Anyway, voila, I got them back in.  I got it from the video.
     I have been finding that taking alieve for pain, caused my kidneys to hurt, and someone had told me they thought it was really bad for his kidneys, and I googled that today, and it can be bad for your kidneys, so I threw away some that I had, from a friend.
     It is frustrating to figure things out, especially on a hot sweaty day.  I have a gulf cart for going short distances, and a charger.  They are really, really old, but not that old to me, maybe two or three years.  I was all bummed out, because my charger would no longer work in the light fixture, outside.  I do not have outdoor electricity or water, outdoors, for that matter, so I found a big extension chord, and an area where there was enough energy output.  Voila, that worked.  But, I had to put a huge sign on my door for the kids, not to trip on the extension chord.  I even called them on their cell phones.  I just didn't want anyone to get hurt, coming in the door.
     I have this place where my front door will not completely close airtight, but that serves a good purpose, even though not energy efficient, because I could put the chord through that small breeze way.
     So, much for figuring things out.  Now I can rest, alas.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

It's Only When I Miss a Weekly Dose of ACIM that I Get Depressed/ Because I Forget About Forgiveness

     When I have missed a Course in Miracles, study group, which I attend weekly, I can become out of sorts.  I forget that it is all illusion, radical forgiveness, nothing happened, and no one is special.
     Most of all, I forget to laugh.  Some of life is sad, scary, painful and not funny, and there is a time to be serious.  It is okay to be sad, to be mad, to speak your truth, and yet it is best to forgive for one's own sake.  There is no punishment for not forgiving, and we are not in control of what others' karma is.  That is their problem.  The thing is to know, you are okay, no matter how anyone judges.  That is their issue.  All one can do is go on, not even noticing.  It isn't one's problem, or even business, to worry about what others think, or what their karma will be.
     The focus needs to be on the peace of God, seeing things differently.  Resentment is harmful to oneself, and I forget this from time to time.  I can do a fourth step, but ultimately I just need to let it go, and accept things.  Acceptance is the key, and expectations lead to resentments. 
     Meher Baba said, "beware of strangers in your heart."  When you love someone, who does not love you, they are a stranger, and when you dwell on a wrong someone has done you, you are also having a stranger in your heart.  
     I think the best way to live is to be kind, be gentle, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.  Work on forgiving, including forgiving yourself, and love the people in your life, the ones God put in your life.  Be true to those who are true to you.  Be there for the people you love, even when they are not pleasing you.  Don't be a doormat.  Just do not abandon the ones who need and love you.  That is what I think.
     

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Such is Life/ How to Get Through/ I Don't Know

'Your beauty lost to you yourself, just as it was to them, ah take this longing from my heart...'   Leonard Cohen

     Usually, after I have had my morning coffee, I come up with ideas to write about.  Today, I was scheming a short story, but I will not give it away, before it is even begun.  I was going over the particulars, however, when a family argument ensued.  
     My back hurts, and I took ibuprofen for it, but it hasn't fully kicked in.  It is my lower back, almost the tail bone.
     Life seems so depressing today, due to circumstance, and the only thing I look forward to today, is a town hall meeting via telephone, tonight.
     I just feel really burdened sometimes, and no one appreciates me.  I work really hard, cleaning and cooking, doing laundry, keeping stocked on things, but I get told I live a life of leisure.  Yes, I know I like imaginary yoga poses, like 'limp dishrag,' and 'waterfall,' not to mention 'reclining goddess,' lol, but I almost cried today.  I am a fifty-one year old, with no savings account, no husband, two grown kids at home, and all I own is a two bedroom, one bathroom mobile home, and an ancient gulf cart.  I suppose I should be happy to own anything, at all, but the AC is going, I am pretty sure, and there is no back up money, so I am in a quandary, but I suppose all is okay for now, so long as I do not heat up the oven on a really hot day, like I did yesterday, to prepare flounder for dinner.  
     For comic relief, I can tell you a part of why I am not married.  I have had a few boyfriends, since my divorce, but everyone of them, for the most part, were not suitable.  They were all abusive in one way or another, and I know that is not funny, but it is ridiculous, on my part, that I stayed for four years with an Australian guy, who called me feeble minded, an imbecile, peculiar looking and fat.  Well, I may be all those things, but I am not fat.  But, why would I be with someone like that?  
     Not to mention, I had to support the jerk, and I shouldn't have, but no one would help me to see clearly, or help me get out of the situation.  I had no support really.  My dad said, "he just wants a flop house," and my dad's friend and I just giggled, and laughed our heads off.  I had never heard that term before.  It sounded so funny, especially coming from my father.
     Another funny thing happened one evening.  My father, the same friend as above, and myself were at Shenanigan's, which used to be a local bar, that had great drink prices on really good brands, which were actually their happy hour, house brands, such as Maker's Mark and Beefeaters.  Anyhow, we were there drinking martinis, and this guy, same guy, comes in with another guy, looked right at us, and sat down at the bar.  We were broken up, because he was trying to find a new girlfriend at the Meher Baba Center (how spiritual), as usual.  Well, long story short, I went over to the bar.  We were sitting at a table, and when I went over there, which my father did not want me to do, a row began between he and I.  I was about ready to ring his neck.  The bartender told the two men to leave.  My father said, once I returned to the table, "he'll be sorry some day," and he was right, but I do not think he was sorry for losing me, just sorry about losing his meal ticket, or life raft, for lack of a better word.  There comes a time when opportunistic freeloaders, have no where left to go, except to hell, maybe.  Of course, some woman as idiotic as me, if not more, may take him in as well, and he can ruin her life too, and her kids' lives, just like he did his ex-wife's and mine, our own and our kids.'
     So, now when I have dated, I find red flags really fast.  I haven't met any freeloaders like that since.  It is not normal for a man to be that way.  Men like to provide for women and children, to an extent, if they are normal.  Only a freak like that would leach off someone.
     It seems like every man I meet, is hung up on someone else, either an ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend, and once that talk starts, there is no point in continuation of anything.  I mean what is the point in hanging out with me, if he just wants to talk about her all the time?  How rude!!!
     Well, life truly sucks, and that is all I know.  I really don't care.  Life is not about winning, it's just about living, or at least that is what actor, Joe Montaigne's character, Agent David Rossi, says on Criminal Minds, my favorite TV show.  He is totally hot.  All the guys, and the women, on that show are hot, but I like him and Agent Gideon best, because they are old, and so am I.  
     I suppose that is why I like Landslide so much, 'can I handle the seasons of my life?, I don't know...time makes you bolder, children, get older, and I'm getting older too...'  Stevie Nicks.
     

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Abusive Relationships/ Emotional and/ or Physical/ How Does One Get into Them, and How Does One Stay or Get Out of Them?

     As I have mentioned in other blogs, like many other women, and men sometimes as well, have had to walk away from an abusive relationship.
     When I first started blogging, I intended way back when, to write only on this subject, which many bloggers do stay on topic.  However, my interests as vast as they are, there were so many other things, I wanted to discuss in my writing.  My novel even came about, on the other blog I have, thenewhumnitylives.blogspot.com.
     It is best not to get into an abusive relationship, to begin with.  However, people do not start abusing you on the first few dates, so you can get hooked on someone, when they put their best foot forward, or you like something about them, their looks, how they are when they are nice, the sex, you name it.  But, some of these are shallow reasons, and I admit I have fallen for some of these, but once you get full blown involved, getting uninvolved is kind of hard sometimes.
     Here are warning signs: 1) isolating you, telling you your friends are not real friends, 2) constant accusations of infidelity, 3) belittling, even if it is supposed to be humorous, 4) inappropriate sexual behavior, and I mean what is inappropriate on your own compass, 5) extreme jealousy,  6) invasion of your privacy, phone, social networks, email and/ or snail mail, 7) constant lecturing, 8) pushing, shoving, hitting, choking, or any type of inappropriate putting hands upon, 9) rule making, ex: you are told not to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, ever, or not to talk to the neighbors, period, while they are at work, 10) if you have a child or children, treating your children badly, such as put downs, calling them fat or stupid, 11) taking money from you, or demanding that you give them your money, because you supposedly, according to them, owe them, 12) constant talk about other women or men, in terms of preference to you, 13) leaving you again and again, expecting you to let them back into your life, after having had sex with someone else.  In this day and age, no one needs that.
     Some say the past does not matter.  Some say we learn from it.  Some say forget it, but if you keep experiencing abuse in relationships, there may be an underlying issue.  I did, and I still have not gotten to the bottom of it, except that perhaps I once had low self esteem, convoluted ideas, and codependency, fear of abandonment, at any cost.
     Finally, a person may just give up, which is unfortunate, but better than being treated badly, in my estimation.  Romantic love is not the be all and end all, but if you find someone you truly love, that is a wonderful thing.
     I love seeing pictures on Facebook of my son and his girlfriend, and I can see the love they share, and the inclusion of her daughter, whom he loves as well.
      But, back to the bad stuff, the last time a man put his hands on me, in a violent way, and verbally abused me, because he was drunk, I bailed, and I never looked back.  God did for me what I could not do for myself.  I gave no second chances.  He called, and said, "are we over?," and I said clearly, "yes."
      The old me might not have been as strong, or as wise, but I was older, and more mature, and finally loved and respected myself, and like I said, God did for me what I could not do for myself.  I think I was actually afraid of him, as well, at that point, and rightly so.
     It is never good to make another person, one's Higher Power, and yet we often do. No matter how much you love someone, I think it is good to love yourself and God, just a little more.  Of course essentially, we are all a part of God, but we can only have one Higher Power, which cannot be a human being.  It just does not work that way, and everyone knows it.
     That was not the only time that I had to walk away.  Sometimes it is hard.  Sometimes it is not graceful.  In fact, it never is, but you can keep your dignity, which others can try to steal.  Nothing is more painful in my mind, than feeling that I have lost dignity, feeling humiliated, and it is really hard to deal with.
     So, no matter how long it takes, or how crazily, for you to get away, in the end, you win when you do, because you saved yourself.  If you can keep yourself together and whole, in the end, you win. Even if they move on to make someone else miserable, even if unfairly not as miserable as they made you, you are the lucky one, because you don't have to be treated like dirt anymore.  That is when you are free.  
     If you read my silly blog, the other day, about the guy..., I will say that I had a really hard time getting away from him.  And, in the end, I was all over the map, having a full blown nervous breakdown, trying to free myself.  Just the ring of the telephone made me a wreck, because I answered it, the relentless trying to talk me into a reconciliation, that my heart of hearts, did not want, but I felt so much conflict, guilt and confusion.  So, looking back, I would have not answered the phone at all, and finally I guess it took truly falling in love with someone else, for me to say, "do not call me anymore.  I am in love with..."  That was the truth, my truth, and it took what it took.  The consequences, and the toll that relationship took on me, were intense, but I will say that I am happy now, and I am well and strong.

All Seven Chakras/ How they Work, What they Do, and How to Keep them Open and Aligned

     As anyone, who has studied yoga and meditation, know, we all have seven chakras, root to crown.  I would like to describe each one, its purpose, and how to keep them balanced, aligned and connected properly, as well as open, to the best of one's ability.
     Sit in a comfortable position, legs crossed, and if this is difficult, put your legs in a comfortable position.  If you cannot sit up straight, you can lean back on something solid.  
     Simply breath, hands outstretched and open on top of the legs, eyes closed and relax.
     As you keep breathing, starting at the root chakra, at the perineum, color red or black like the stone onyx, and visualize either color and groundedness.  
     Imagine a silver thread leading upward to and through the sacral chakra,
just below the navel, color orange.  Imagine openness, creativity, sexuality, energy.  See the color orange.
     Then continue as you breath, to imagine the silver thread going up to the solar plexus, right in the center of the rib cage, below the breast, the upper stomach, right in the center.  The color is yellow, stone citron, energy, your center.  
Visualize and just imagine its openness, the balance, the alignment, the connectedness.
     Continue to breath into the chakras, down each one, oxygen nourishing every cell with every breath, slowly in and out, no thoughts.  Letting any thought go as simply as it came, just breath, as the silver thread continues upward to the heart chakra, the chest center, color green.  Compassion, grief, love.  Feel your grief unwind, disappointments leaving with every tangle of thread, which simply unwinds, leaving a clear space, and open heart.  
     Let your breath fill your whole chest cavity, so that you are aware of the back of the heart, as well, which is your mid upper back.  You carry stress here, and when there is suffering, this area becomes stressed, so just relax, and feel the green openness, as you simply breath, the silver thread now joining the heart chakra, and we continue.
     The silver thread goes upward still, to the throat chakra, color turquoise, like the stone.  Lift the chin, so that this chakra opens, chanting yum, repeatedly and softly.  
     This chakra pertains to communication, singing.  A blockage here makes communication less easy, and to express oneself fully, it needs to be balanced and open, so just breath into the fifth chakra, the throat, and feel the connectedness to the other chakras, as well.  Visualize its openness, the color turquoise. 
     The thread continues up through the head and sinuses to the third eye, indigo, center of forehead.  Here lies insight, sight beyond the sight of the physical eyes.  Look within, at the third eye, and as you look up at it, you will visualize indigo color or purple, a dark blue or purple stone.  Many things may come into your vision, but pay no attention to them.  Let them come and go, just as they came.
     Now the third eye is connected by the silver thread running through it, and we continue to the top of the head or crown chakra, the seventh chakra, highest of all.  The color is gold or white.  It is the most holy.  It is the chakra from which halos come from.  Here is compassion, the opposite of human imperialism.  Just breath all the way to the top of your head, where gold or white light, or both, emerge.
     Continue to breath deeply.  Now all chakras are aligned.
     Finally open your eyes, bow to honor the light within you, thanking one another for taking this time to meditate, saying 'namaste.'  
     Feel how different you feel, how much more relaxed and peaceful.  Once you have meditated, using a pendulum, you can test these chakras, or ask a friend to.  Some may still not be fully open.  Some may be very open.  It is not automatic.  However, the difference in the way the pendulum will swing for different ones, is amazingly accurate, and incredibly obvious.
     Do not feel bad if some chakras, one or two, or even more, are still blocked, because we know now which ones need work, and why you are having certain difficulty.
     Knowing where and how healing needs to take place, is a step towards healing.  Reiki is helpful, as well as continuing to meditate in this way, and do yoga.  Even if you cannot take a yoga class, a book can be helpful.  There are some very good books on chakra yoga, if you look at your local bookstore.
     I had a blockage of the third eye chakra as well as the throat chakra, and I have not checked them lately, but I really experienced how this effected me.  I could not communicate, nor assert how I really felt, what I really wanted or did not want to do.  I had a lack of insight, as far as what I should be doing, and who I should spend time with, who was healthy for me, and who was not.  
     I guess no one is perfect, and life always has its complications and difficulties, or usually, but balance is the key, I think, as well as being calm, and carrying on.  'Keep calm and carry on.'  

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Lovely Evening at the Beach

    One thing I love about living at the beach, is being able to actually be at the beach.  I have actually lived here most of my life, and other than here, besides college, I lived in L.A., only for three years in the eighties, when I was married with my first baby, but of course L.A. is also near the beach, but you usually have to travel to Venice Beach or Malibu, etc.. Here you just go to the beach, and it's warm and calmer.
     Yesterday, being June 21st, the longest day of the year, today was a good long day too, for an evening on the seashore, with the companionship of your friends.  
     We brought chairs down by the water.  The water rushed up over our feet.  The sky was amazing, majestic, and colorful, and we stayed until eight.
     I got a little wet, in my shorts and tank top, to get the salty itch off of me.  It was the night of the giant moon, super moon, they call it.
     Unfortunately, I can no longer see stars at all, but I can see the moon, if it is bright, and it is dark.  
     I found I did not need my sunglasses. The light was perfect on my eyes, but the salty breeze misted my glasses, and I will wear some old ones, next time.
     It was cool, and so relaxing.  I even had to put on some sleeves, amazing.  I really enjoyed just hanging out with my friends, in the early summer, at the beach.
     The picture above, was not from tonight.  That was from the dhuni, a couple winters ago.  I do not take any photos anymore, but fortunately I know people who do.  
     It is good to enjoy the environment, something to cherish, and never take for granted.  You look around at tourists, so enchanted to be at the beach, watch the children play, as the tide rolls in, and you feel like you can be on vacation too, forever.  
     Well, maybe not forever, but whenever, you know?  And, you can get the same kind of feeling, peaceful, easy feeling, in the mountains, I suppose, or by a lake, but I like the ocean better than lakes.  I mean lakes are good.  I guess nothing beats the ocean, though.  The salty air, the negative ions, the color of the ocean, the sky.  It just seems very healing to me.  It always has.
     It was nice to be with people, and although I like being alone okay, I have spent so much time alone in my life, that at this point, I would rather be around people, at least some of the time.  It is hard for me to really get out to the ocean with my eyesight, so it is nice for friends to take me.

Australians are Not Sexy

     Some people, Americans mainly, I think, find Australians sexy.  I don't, but that is only because I was involved with an Australian guy, and he was not a very nice person.
     I guess I must have thought he was sexy at one time, because I wasted so much time, in a totally destructive relationship.
     I only even thought of this, because I ran out of the talking books I ordered, and was reading the ones the library sent me, that they chose, and it is a stupid romance novel, and the guy is Australian and supposedly sexy.
     I know there is more to the story than meets the eye, or ear in this case, but it is not that great.  The only thing it had in common with my novel, American Boys, is that fox hunting comes into play, but in my novel, I actually have the fox hunting trip as part of the story.  I think fox hunting is crazy, and mean, and stupid.  Don't ask me why I put it in my book, except that I wanted my character Lizzy to have a dad who liked hunting, and it is Thanksgiving in Massachusetts.  That is when they hunt red and gray foxes.  I watched a video, however, of fox hunting, and I hated it.  Not the kind on horse back, like royalty of England, King Charles type fox hunting, but more like outback type fox hunting.
     I do not even like Australian accents.  That is another thing.  Many Americans do, but I just hate them.  I half expect to get some hate mail from Australian BL's who might be my friends on Facebook, but that would be too much fun for me, because I would verbally kick ass, and I am not in a peaceful mood today.
     I know.  So much for the peace, love, hippie crap I always show on Facebook.  But, truthfully, deep down I have goodness, peace and tranquility, but I am not embracing that today.  Jung said you have to embrace your shadow, in order to be whole, and that is my angle.
     I am not drinking.  It is way too early in the day, so do not think this attitude I have is alcohol induced.  
     I guess I wouldn't hate the Aussi dude so much, had he not extorted all my money at the turn of the millennium, and had I not reached out to the Australian BL's who have money and run to India and the U.S. every ten seconds, if they could help me get at least fifteen hundred back.  They wouldn't, so I don't associate with them, not even the Baba, so called big wigs, whom I will not name.  
     Jeesh, I can't even afford to take a trip from Myrtle Beach to Charleston, anymore.  Last time I came home to an overdrawn bank account.
     I hope you realize that this is partly tongue and cheek, but for real.  I mean everything I said here is the God's honest truth.  
     Well, I am going to not dwell on creepy jerks, and enjoy a beautiful day on the Summer Solstice.  Honest expression is a positive thing.  And, by the way, this is not racism.  Australian is not a race.  Perhaps, it is hate speech, but they can send the hate right back, and I would just enjoy it tremendously. 

Friday, June 21, 2013

When You Have to Focus on Your Own Well Being Because Those Closest to You Won't Take Care of Themselves/Trying Not to Be Codependent

     I guess my title says it all.  Some people go to alanon if they love someone who has an addiction, and the idea is to focus on oneself, not the other person, just for today.
     However, although some people do not realize it, it is a good place for people with someone close to them, or in their care, in their family, who has a mental illness for which they do not always comply with treatment for.  I honestly am in that situation right now, and I have been nagging this person, and that is of course doing no good.
     Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to watch a person hit bottom again and again, and you do not know what to do, because you cannot walk away, or send them away, but you do not have the support you need, for yourself or the other person.
     I have never really understood alanon, never liked it much.  I mean I get it, but having been in the other rooms, I do not understand what the chip system in alanon is about.  Now I am not in any rooms, except my bedroom, blogging, facebooking, and reading via talking books for the blind.
     But, seriously it is really hard to be in this situation, because on one hand you need to mind your own business, be detached, but on the other hand, you feel like a bomb is ticking, and it is not going to be good, the same thing expecting different results.
     I tried to get into a support group for parents with kids with a psychological issue, but it did not include parents of adult children.  I have two grown sons, and one has some issues.  We all do, but some are very treatable, even though they are the most severe.  What I am saying is the most serious of mental illnesses, are sometimes, although the worst in symptoms, the easiest and simplest to treat, in their simple straight forwardness, and the nature and progressiveness of modern medications, which are without serious side effects now, and very safe, as well as life saving.  The problem is that a person can get an idea in their head, that they do not need their medication any longer, but this is a fallacy, a delusion, a misperception, perhaps brought on by the influence of someone, a peer, a sibling, a neighbor, I am not sure, just that this will not work.
     So, like the alanon people always say, I should focus on me.  It is hard to focus on me though, if someone in my life becomes seriously ill.  That does have an effect on you, so my only choice is to intervene somehow.
     Some people do tough love, but my heart is too soft for that.  I cannot put someone in my own family in an inhumane situation, like making them out on their own.  I guess you can reach out for medical help, which I have done.
     I guess my point is that, if I become all unhinged about it, and getting really upset, then I will be being codependent, by letting it effect me in this way.
     I wish I knew more people in the same situation.  I know they are out there, for sure, and my situation is not unique.  In fact, it is more common than one might think.  I guess, what will be, will be.  

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Knowing Dying is Not Ending

On a new moon night I feel alone,
Heart as heavy as a stone,
But you shine brighter than any star,
When I have seen you from afar.
Is it true that you healed the blind?
Once long ago...
I am wondering can you heal me?
I am wondering can you see  me?
Maybe even free me,
And, steal away each fleeting thought of dying,
Knowing dying is not ending,
Knowing dying is not ending...

Friday, June 14, 2013

Watch You Walk Away (a Poem)



Memories blurred, stars collide,
This kind of love makes no sense to me, I want to hide,
Watching you, I see myself,
I've sung that tattered song, for it has knocked me off my game, 
When I was like you the same. 

I won't go back to the ruin of my soul,
Where you ended, and I began,
But never accepted that.

It's like a death, you know,
I know it is far from love, but brings me fear,
For the burned out stars of yesterday, I find them sleeping so near, so near to me,

I think the damage is done sometimes,
And it's nothing that I can change,
Knowing how the passing of time, now seems strange,
Wandering in the garments I once wore for you, they are worn and faded now, like the wind, like this song, like the 
loss of everything that really mattered, the best things shattered, glass on the water.

There is no return, nothing to go back to,
And I watched you walk away,
Seen your silhouette on a winter day, 
But I don't miss you, no I don't miss you,
Don't want to live in a hurricane of confusion and chaos,
Let the old days be covered with moss, and watch us drift away, watch you walk away, watch you walk away.

Feel Too Much or Feel Too Little/ I Don't Know Which is Better

"Come to your life like a warrior, nothing  
will bore you," Chris Williamson (Song of the Soul) 

     I worry sometimes about my apathy, indifference, and then I think perhaps it is healthy to be this way.  I know I have bored everyone to tears with my stories, and especially my stories about Alan, but truthfully, I did not always treat him the best, nor him me, and I don't know why this does not drive me mad.
     I guess you grow up at some point, and you have to be a mature adult, and realize that all your fantasies of life are not going to be the way you thought, once upon a time. 
     I really do not know if I feel too much or too little, but I guess just being in the middle is what sane is, not overjoyed, but not incredibly depressed, but of course you could be either, and still be sane.
     I am kind of bored with intellectualism, and people showing the world how to get rich, make dreams come true.  I wonder if I am just bitter, or have given up all this thinking.  I guess motivational speaking just does not excite me.
     I guess that is why I mentioned that song, Song of Soul.  It is so positive and energetic, and sometimes I just feel so weary, so tired, so bored with so many things.
     You just keep on, and I guess the thing that bores me most, is ambition.  I guess I have just lost mine, lost my ideas of what I am supposed to do or be.  I wish I had not always been a dreamer.
     Dreamers are not the type to go to law school or medical school, but I did try to pursue some other avenues.
     I wish I could just forget it all, everything, the past.  I was so upset the other day, because my sister and brother in law, I think, misplaced a video of my family, my kids, their father and me, in our old house, on Christmas morning, when David was three, and Teddy was nine, and David got a bicycle with training wheels, and a Sesame Street house, which I was assembling for him, on Christmas morning, and then we went out and road his bike.  We were in our beautiful house, the family together.
     I had the footage of all the relatives over for Christmas dinner, and the cousins having a singing contest, Teddy singing Away in a Manger and David singing Old McDonald, or what he knew of it, "quack quack here, quack quack here..."
     It is as if it all dissolved into the twilight zone.  I guess that is why Landslide is my favorite song, and I'm singing and playing it so much, I'm wearing it out, because, 'time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too...'  In fact, I heard it in the grocery store today.
     I'm through 'philosophising,' as hillbillies say.  I don't know the answers anymore.  I really don't.  

"I really don't know life at all."    Joni Mitchell     Both Sides Now

        

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Any Time I Am Not Coming From a Place of Love, I am Coming From Fear

     I realized tonight, at the Course in Miracles book study group, that every time, I am not loving, even just in my thoughts, such as when I judge someone, or jump to any type of conclusion, I am coming only from a place of fear.
     Sometimes, if I think someone slighted me, or blew me off, chances are I did the same to them, even if I did not mean to.  In their own mind, perhaps I did.  My son made me realize that I had possibly made a friend feel blown off.  I never meant to, and was not doing that, at all.  I mean, I was not meaning to, but then my ego turned it all around into a discombobulated mess, as the ego always does.  The ego is like this sneaky enemy.
     I guess people, and by people, I mean me included, are afraid of rejection, but everyone else is vulnerable and afraid and alone too, in a sense, and we're kind of all in the same boat, trying to deal with illusion, and one another.
     The reason A Course in Miracles is called that, is because of the miracles we learn, without trying, the workbook lessons just become a part of us.  For example, if I attack my brother or sister, face to face, or by backbiting, I am attacking myself.  Also, love holds no grievances, and I need to remember to ask God to help me see this differently.
     Sometimes, the lesson comes, without you looking for it, nor trying to be spiritual, because it is not like that.  And, it isn't about just trying to be this real good person, in a moral sense, although there is that too, in a way, but it is more like an awareness of other people, of what love is, and how the ego gets in our way.  Of course, I know that we cannot live without our ego, and has its psychological purpose, as the psychology scholars explain, so I am not saying one can totally throw one's ego out the window, but the thing we can do, is observe, observe our actions, our motives, and even our thoughts.
     Are we being unfair to another?  Are we judging them, for any reason?  Are we looking for fault in them?  Do we feel they did not meet our expectations of some kind?  Are we harboring a resentment?  Have we made an amends for our part? 
      I am not saying to be a doormat, or a wimp, in any way.  I am only saying, let's watch out for how we are thinking and acting.  As Meher Baba wrote, in His prayer of repentance, "for every deed and word and thought (notice the word thought) inspired by selfishness, and for every deed and word and thought inspired by hatred.
     I think that hatred, which is the opposite of love, is fear, which is the opposite of love, but truthfully hate is not always the opposite of love, but cruelty is.
     I guess you can love someone so much, you hate them.  My ex-husband once told me, "I love you, but I don't like you."  I realize that is not so great, but that's just my story again, which I need to let go of.  I am, as I always remind myself, not my story, although my story can give me some reference about certain situations, or analogies if you will.
     Remember, when you think someone hurt you, perhaps you hurt them too, even if you did not mean to.  There is no black and white.  There is a gray area to all things, except blatant cruelty and persecution.
     Sometimes people practically 'crucify' others with backbiting, character assassination, ostracism, judgment, ganging up, but even if you are the brunt of this treatment, and I have before, remember that it often is jealousy, immaturity, and fear.  Your just being, somehow threatens their self worth.  The only reason for talking bad about others, is jealousy, if it is in some sort of clique fashion.  It is like grammar school, less mature than high school, but it goes on still.
     I was talking to a friend my age, who I had not hung out with in a while, and I brought up how just a few years ago, we had to, or chose to I mean, put down a peer, because a close mutual friend was jealous of her, and we talked about how we were acting like high school girls then, but we were over forty, so it was crazy, but we just wanted to placate our friend.  Of course, then it was me they did not like anymore.  But, I have forgotten, and we are still friends.
     This fear, which causes a lack of love, reminds me, or brings to mind, a disturbing short story, which I read, by Alice Munro.  Two little girls don't like this little girl with down syndrome, for no good reason.  Listening to the story, I see it so vividly, and Verna, the little girl who has down syndrome, is some sort of imaginary threat to this little girl, who tells the story in first person, and she does not say down syndrome, but I know from the description, that that is the case.  Every time, in Alice Munro's amazing writing, that Verna is described, I see this innocent, sweet child, trying to play with her, but she and her friend treat her at summer camp, like she must be avoided, even though she did nothing to them, and sounds so sweet, and she along with the special ed. kids, seems almost bewildered, adjusting to summer camp.  Yet, they make her into this enemy.  I can see her smiling sweetly, in her pink bathing camp, swimming towards them, the last day of summer camp.  The story is called Child's Play, and is a tragedy.  
     I guess, what I am saying is that fear, as I keep referring to, is the opposite of love.  The girls in the story, childishly use the words persecuting them, to describe Verna, but she is doing nothing to them, except smiling sweetly, and trying to be their friend.  I know this is an incredibly depressing short story, but it portrays what I am saying.
     Jesus was hated, and crucified, and I suppose they were afraid, threatened, of whatever or whoever they thought He was, or claimed, or did not claim to be, and yet He was only loving, peaceful, and turned the other cheek.  Verna, in the story, to me, is like an analogy of Jesus.  This is my own interpretation, and truthfully I hated the story, because it disturbed me so much.
      So, back to my own short comings.  I have failed before to see the good, others vulnerabilities, and have been self righteous, selfish and self-centered.  When you care about someone at all, you don't have to throw the towel in, and make yourself the victim.  I can only thank my son for helping me to see things more clearly, because young people are very aware of human nature, even when it comes to people their parents' age.  I think we should sometimes, listen to the young.  They have good insight.  David certainly does, not always, but often.
     Much love.  Namaste.  And, I am sorry if I have been hypocritical or self-righteous, or even pseudo spiritual.   I know I am very far from perfect, but I try to observe and do my best.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Making Friends/ Keeping Friends/ Balance of Work and Play/ What is Love Anyway?

     When you are a freelance artist of any kind, people do not always realize that you work.  You may also be a home maker, take much pride in making a nice home, keeping it lovely, clean, Feng Shui, or whatever you feel to be a nice way of keeping house.  You may even cook elaborate or simple, but delicious meals for yourself, your family and occasional guests.  
     I guess, my point is that, like Marrianne Williamson says, in The Age of Miracles, that when you are working too much, it gets to feel imbalanced, but when you play too much, and get too little work done, you can feel 'dirty.'  That was her word for it, but I know the feeling.
     Recently, I became acquainted with a woman my age.  We talked and talked, and did lots of activities together. She was a single gal too, and I thought a good potential friend, a peer, someone I could go out for a drink with, a meal, go hear music with, sit on her porch and sip wine, or just look at old photographs in my living room.
     It was an awkward weekend for me, because I was incredibly broke.  Still, I was managing to stay a float.  Usually, my money situation is not quite as bad as it was that weekend, memorial day weekend.
     I had my concert, which I rarely get to do, or get asked to do, and needed to practice.  She wanted to go to the beach, go hear my son's band play some more, etc., make a day of it.  I agreed that Monday, we could get together and hang out some more, knowing full well, I needed to work on my songs, for the concert, get everything polished.  I also knew that I talk a lot, when I am with people, and that if we hung out, I would wear out my throat, talking too much.
     I told her on Monday, that I could come for lunch, like she wanted me to, and that was nice, but I needed to go home after, and work on my concert.
     She was nice about it, and we had lunch at her house.  The next evening, while I was waiting for a couple, whom I am friends with, to pick me up, to go to the center, she called me.
     She said, "I won't be able to come to your concert, because I'm going to do 'such and such,' (not those words of course) and I've heard you sing, anyway, and I'm sure you'll be playing regularly."  Actually, the 'regularly' is not the case, and as I said on facebook, it was my first solo music program, since the early nineties, so ego or not, it meant something to me.
     I said, "okay, I understand."  But, truthfully, my feelings were hurt, and I felt snubbed.  Perhaps, she thought I blew her off the day before, but it was not that at all.
     So, I started to think that I should not make this a reason for resentment.  In A Course in Miracles, nothing really occurred, except in illusion, so this past Monday, after not hearing from her in two weeks, almost, I called her to see if she wanted to go hear the band.  I got her voice mail, and left a message.  She never called back.
     I guess my point is just how fickle people are, how fleeting friendships can be, or brief, how I tell too much, while others guard themselves.  I guess I am guileless.  I suppose that makes me foolish and vulnerable, because I spill all kinds of truths about myself, to people I do not really know well, and that makes me naive.  Also, alcohol is like a truth serum for me, as it is for a lot of people.
     I do have long time friendships, which will always be in place, because I have a few friends who are more than just fair weather ones.
    I know this is petty of me.  I suppose I resented that she told me, that my boyfriend, Alan, who died of cancer, was always saying that he and I were broken up, since he was living near her for a while, like even when we were supposedly together, because it was he that introduced me to her, and we were definitely together at that point.  
     It was Christmas, after Alan had had Christmas dinner with my family and another close friend of mine, and the first time I had taken him to the Meher Baba Center, and she was there, being somewhat of a 'Baba' person.  
     I told her that he was probably telling the truth, because it was on again, off again, and the status of our relationship was quick to change.  There were complications, politics, his wife and kids in Germany, who would come to town for two week stretches, and I felt that although they had been separated for years, that they were awfully friendly, although he swore he was no longer attracted to her.  I do not know what to believe, where men are concerned, sometimes.
     I guess I felt that my friend was implying that he was interested in her, even though he was dying of stage four pancreatic cancer.  Perhaps, he was, and I had even wondered if he liked her, but hinted at it in round about ways to him, the way we women do, which he had denied.  He got mad, saying I was jealous.  I said that was preposterous.  He said, "English is both our first language, you know."  He was Scottish, and yes it was.  
     As Marianne Williamson says, "if you have a resentment, imagine a sword above their head, coming down on your own head."  I think it is on the same lines as, 'resentment is like drinking poison, expecting someone else to die.'  And, like I said, in ACIM terms, nothing happened.
     I suppose part of me, wanted to think that Alan truly loved me, but women tend to live in too much fantasy, and I truly was not perfect, at all, and had many failings where that relationship was concerned.  We both did, but I can only blame myself, or take responsibility for, my own part, which was that I never really loved him, as my song says, as much as I should.
     Is it more important to love others, or to be loved?  That is the question.  I don't really know.  It is bad to love too much, to the point of compromising your own well being, and yet you can also become too guarded, where your heart is concerned, lacking the refreshing openness, that young love endures.
     Although I speak in tongues of men and angels, I'm just sounding brass and tinkling symbols, without love, love suffers long, love is kind, enduring all things, hoping all things, love has no evil in mind...   If I didn't have love, I'd be nothing...   
Corinthians  13:1-13  The Holy Bible, New Testimate     

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Had the Weirdest Dream

     I woke up around 8:48, turned on the bed side lamp, looked at my low vision watch, and went back to sleep.  It is very dark in my room, because I keep a black cloth behind the curtains, so the morning sun will not bother me.  I do not know if I will ever change this habit, but for now if works for me.  Some day I might be in a state of mind, not that I am unhappy or anything, where I might want sun coming in my bedroom windows.  I am just not at that place now.
     I fell back asleep.  I dreamed I was in Boston, and I wanted to go to Canada, and I bought a bus ticket, but the ticket was not specific, as to destination, just said, two hours north, which I guess would take you to the middle of New Hampshire, where a good bit of my novel takes place, where my ex husband is from, and I have spent some time in my life, but I did not know that until I looked at a globe today, and then realized it was much farther to Montreal, so I looked it up on line, and it said it took six and a half hours to drive from Boston to Montreal.  It is much farther than I thought.  
     I do not even know if buses can just cross the border like that, probably not.*  {Wrong again.}  I will research that as well, but I would think, since buses make stops, it would take much longer by bus, so perhaps subconsciously, I wanted to go to New Hampshire, where some of my novel takes place.  Vermont, where most of my novel takes place, and where I went to music camp as a teenager, is west of New Hampshire, but both border Canada.  Both states are just south of Canada.
     Before getting on the bus, I showed my ticket to an official.  He shook his head, and said my ticket was invalid.  In actuality, I realize now, that two hours north of Boston, does not get you anywhere near Canada, but like I said, the middle of New Hampshire.  Maine extends way up north, as far north as Canada, Canada's eastern border with Maine, Maine's western border with Canada.   
In my dream, I thought this two hour ticket, would get me well into Canada, but I was wrong.  I was ignorant of the actual geography, until now, anyway.
     I said, "well, when I get there, I'll just get another ticket to where I am actually going."
     He shook his head, no, again.  "You won't have any money when you get there."
     I got on the bus, anyway, but the driver would not answer any questions.  There were people on the bus, but they would not talk to me.  I took a seat.  It was as if I were invisible.
     I felt alone and scared.  I took my cell phone out of my pocketbook, to call a friend, a family member, but my phone had no service.  
     I woke up, whimpering out loud, and crying out, practically in tears.  I turned on the light, by my bed, and went back to sleep, assured it was only a dream.  I slept until 11:00, and I really did not feel upset anymore.
     I just wonder what my dream was about, perhaps loneliness, lack of direction, being unable to really communicate, isolation, feeling invisible, financial insecurity, wanting to travel, but feeling unable to, perhaps even dying.  I will look it up in the dream moods dictionary, but there were so many different things.  Perhaps, if I put them altogether, and analyze it, I will get the answer.  I have not woken up crying, in a long time like that, and I have been relatively happy.
     I will admit, though, that I have had some wishes to do things, that I feel for one reason or another, I am unable to, and it is usually about money, lack of a companion, and or my vision.  I have wanted to take a vacation, get some resolve about my book, some resolve about my music, besides just being a fifty-one year old has been, who never made it and never will, because she/I just lacked something, it, or maybe just circumstance, directions in life, lack of the right audience at times, and just plain old karma.  I have wanted more financial freedom, to do more of what I want.  I have wanted more freedom, that my vision problem will not permit.  So, in a sense, I know full well what it is about, and at times I feel I have no one to depend on ever, so this is what that 'no cell phone service,' is about.  As far as Canada goes, I think it represents escaping something, feeling trapped.  Draft dodgers used to go to Canada, to escape the draft, and truthfully I have never been, nor wanted to go, although it is said to be beautiful, but I do not like the cold and snow much.  I like the south.
     Well, I will look into it.  Whenever I have tried to talk to a counselor, in recent years, they tell me I do not need one, but truthfully, everyone needs someone they can really talk to.

*I researched it, and you can take a bus from the United States to Canada.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Neatness is a Virtue

     While everyone has their own lifestyle, way of living, etc., my only way of dealing with life, personally, is to be organized, and I have to admit, neat.
     I guess being a neat person, and by neat, I mean one who keeps things in an orderly and clean fashion, has begun to get a bad rap, like you are a neat freak, neurotic, anal...  So, it is sane to be really messy?  What is wrong with this picture.  I think people are so judgmental, and so busy looking for something wrong in someone, that instead of cleaning their house, they want to spend the time it takes to do it, dissing others.  Okay, I am literally laughing out loud, as I write, so before you get mad at me, remember I am not always, and by that I mean, not always, but sometimes not to be taken too seriously.
     I guess I just feel like if you live with people, you have to designate tasks, chores, or what not.  In my home, everyone knows to do their dishes, as soon as they finish eating.  That is so that someone who comes in the kitchen to fix themselves something to eat, does not find a mess to clean up.  I admit that I sometimes do what others are supposed to, but not often, only when they forgot, or got distracted.  
     Although we, and I mean my grown kids and I, do not always have family dinners, but I try to make it so that each person in the household has to cook sometimes, something that is enough for everyone, and everyone has to get food at the store, to the best of their financial ability, at the time.  So, in this way, at dinner time, you can go in the kitchen, and find something to eat, to heat up, that is prepared, or you might be the one to cook something everyone else can eat.  I think this works out pretty well.  This way, no one can be too selfish.  Also, no one gets stuck with the brunt of everything, which is unfair.
     To take it down a notch, truthfully, although I have always been a neat, fastidious, somewhat meticulous person, part of it is that when you have bad eyesight, you cannot really live any other way too easily.
     

Monday, June 3, 2013

Is the Sleep State the Only Time We Are in the Now Totally?

     I wonder if the only time we really and truly are in the here and now, without reservation, is when we are asleep.
     I woke up wondering this.  I slept all night through, until ten o'clock, not even waking to use the bathroom.  I had some dreams, but nothing bad or great.
     So, I began to wonder if the reason we take a while to fall asleep sometimes, is that we are resisting that completely restful state of tranquility.  It is known, psychologically, that we need that time to rejuvenate, and if you ever went a long period without sleep, you know how bad that can be. 
     Eckhart Tolle talks a lot about the state of awareness, the power of now, like Ram Daas's 'Be Here Now.'
     In all eastern thought, there is a philosophy of being present.  Being mindful and present is the way, the only way, to live a truly fulfilling life, I think.
     We spend a lot of time talking and thinking about our story, and telling it, and 'he said,' or 'she said,' and then I did this, or now I will try to find someone to complete me, or I will become top executive at work, whatever.
     During difficult times, we resist sleep, because we are afraid to relax, and we think we need to resolve something, that we cannot if we are unconscious, or in a sleep state.  It is normal to experience this at times in one's life, depression or anxiety.  It is something most people cannot avoid.
     Still, I have known people who were not really deep thinkers, who could be very present, and enjoy the moment, the sunny day, the ocean, the moon and stars.  It does not matter.  They have the right idea.  I want to become more and more this way.  My only ambition, I suppose, but on the other hand, I too, want things to happen, success, recognition, respect, love, etc., but can I just be with what is?  I suppose so, and that is where fear comes in, the letting go of expectation, which lead to disappointments, and finding peaceful happiness and less resentments. I can if I just let go of the fear, be mindful, and carry on with complete human dignity.   
     

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Taking the Good and Leaving the Rest; Rising Above It

     It seems like in life, the same old issues come up again, but the thing that makes a difference is how you respond.  Today I was talking to an old acquaintance, who called to chat.  Something from the past came up, and it kind of hurt my feelings, but rather than talk about it, I disengaged.
     I got off the phone, politely.  The thing is, though, that I find that although you cannot expect perfection in people, nor oneself, people are a bit insensitive.  For example, most people don't do this, but some do, and that is, tell you bad things other people said about you.  I always thought that was weird, and maybe even passive aggressive, in a way.  I know I misuse that term, passive aggressive, sometimes.  That's what people have told me anyway.
     I feel like people are so judgmental of others, and yet they often have little understanding or depth of feeling, or empathy.  So, when people tell me other people talk crap about me, or smack about me, I feel like, 'why are you telling me this?  You talk smack about me, you know?'
     I know I'm getting all ghetto and up in your face, lol, and like Girlfriend, or Brother, but I mean, I don't need to hear that, and I've been in this really peaceful, loving, serene, happy space, so I don't want to go all wiggin' out over some stupidity.  
     I find that people truly on the spiritual path, truly nice people, don't do that to people, and they don't talk crap about people.  
     People are quick to judge, and maybe I have been too, but all I am saying is that I am not going to be brought down by people, who engage in gossip, and being mean spirited.  
     I think the best way to deal with crap, is to love yourself, and take the stuff you like in this world, and leave this rest, but engaging in unhealthy stuff that people engage you in, is hurtful, a waste of energy, and one more thing to defeat the spirit.  
     I changed my name for ten years to Sage, but now I go by Leslie again.  The reason I did that, is because the Cherokees burned sage to drive out evil spirits and bad vibes.  People still do it all the time, and that is why I go by Sage as a nickname, but used to all the time.  I didn't want bad vibes around me. I wanted to be cleansed, and be in a really clear space.  I can't say it made my life suddenly perfect.  That would be silly, but perhaps it helped.
     My friend Alan thought all this introspection was silly.  We were on the beach one afternoon, and I was doing yoga twists, talking about wringing out the toxins, and he asked me to please speak English.  And, I know it gets old, all this, "I'm working on myself, bla bla ba, yada yada..., and I have issues to deal with."  I know it's like cliches or something, but still, I really feel like if you surround yourself with positive thinking and light, things will be brighter.
     I felt good about myself, in a way, because I did not let that bring me down.  Still, I think if someone really cares about you, they won't tell you bad things others say about you, because they don't want to hurt you.  I think a white lie is more moral than the truth, when it comes to hurting someone. If it is constructive, then maybe, but if there is no point to it, and it is only destructive, then it is not being a friend, and if they do not know better, than it is best to choose friends with better judgment.  We all have some good friends.  I know I do, people I trust, can count on.  It may not feel that way every day, and every minute, but there are really good people in the world, that care, and most people have a few friends who actually do care and love them.  But, if they talk smack about you, or repeat it, even if to you, you don't need them.  (Smack is a word I just learned, recently, just so you won't think me too worldly, but I get what it means.  I heard someone I hung out with, saying it... thought it was a good enough term for what I'm talking about.)

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Sometimes it Takes What it Takes; You Can Never Fault Yourself For That

     This is the blog, on which I write relationship related topics.  One might think, why does she think she knows so much?  Well, actually I do.
     Sometimes, it takes a long time, to get out of a relationship, that is not a good one, where you know you are not being treated right by someone.  I guess, in Meher Baba's teachings, it could be the karma or sanscaras you have with them, sex making sanscaras, or subtle impressions, heavier, especially not in marriage.  Sometimes, the ties in a marriage are hard to break, but if you live with someone for years, it is really the same as a marriage, a common law marriage, so truthfully, if you count one of those, I have been married twice, although only once legally, to my children's father, and I kept his name, but it was very functional, if not the best marriage, and by functional, I mean we got things done.  In my second long relationship, everything was completely dysfunctional.  
     Sometimes God does for you, what you cannot do for yourself, but sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what you want, and one can feel very ambivalent, especially if no matter how many times you say you want to end it, the other party tries to talk you into staying in the relationship.
     When that happens, it is really hard, especially if you have any feeling for this person.  In my case, it was like this person was never nice to me, and then suddenly, because I wanted out, which I had plenty of chances for, he was suddenly after years, saying, "I love you..." and writing me long letters, crying, etc..  Eventually, I was able to disentangle myself, but not easily at all.
     You see, I knew deep down, that if I were to take him back, he would just go back to old behavior, and go back to the woman he had already left me for, and when I didn't take him back, I think he finally did.  I am not sure, and I really don't care.  At the end, I really cared way more about my kids, which is as it should be.  I put my kids first, but not always, not until I finally got a grip, and grew up, snapped out to myself.
      One should never fault oneself, for loving someone, nor should they blame themselves for not leaving a bad relationship sooner, or for being in it at all.  If you ever did a twelve step program, in step four, we take an inventory of our resentments, and we look for our own part in each one, finding through 
that process, our own short comings and character defect, steps six and seven, and we also discovered our own wrong doings, which led us to step five, admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the nature of our wrongs, kind of like going to confession, only it just has to be a trusted person, sponsor, or counselor, who you can trust to take your secret to the grave, but secrets if told to no one ever, make us sick.  It is a burden to carry terrible secrets.
     Sometimes, you might find that the part you played was just being needy enough, or codependent enough to stay involved in something unhealthy.  But, it takes what it takes and how long it takes.  You hit bottom when you do, and that is all there is to it.
     Mind you, I am not talking about anyone else, only my own experience.
     Another thing I want to mention, which is a topic big enough for a blog, in and of itself.  That is how family cannot really support you, when you are emotionally unwell.  If you are physically sick, they can, and do, but people really cannot deal with mental sickness, ( I mean most people) so if you get sick mentally, emotionally, you can end up really alone in that, because no one knows how to help you.  So, maybe if they would really support you, you would be okay, but they can't, and so you just get sicker, until you are broken.  They don't mean to be this way.  They just can't deal with you, and the mental health system is all you have.  
     Many times people are really not that sick, they just need support, but family is usually only supportive when things are good.  And, like I say, it is not their fault.  They just don't understand.  
     Well, I am going to try to enjoy the beautiful day, and get some sunshine and fresh air.  Much love.  Namaste.