Back to My Center; Back to God

     Yesterday, I was really upset.  Perhaps I had good reason to be.  I have experienced a lot of losses like many people have, and I kind of fell apart.

     I called a friend.  Usually I handle things on my own.  She reminded me of my other name 'Sage', aka Sage,lol, which means wise.  She also reminded me to get back to my own center.

     I was not grounded.  I got off center and off balance.  After pulling myself back together and back up from my bootstraps once again after a big cry, I meditated and did Reiki on myself as well as yoga and alternate nostril breathing.  I also held my chakra stones for a while.  I have a set of seven stones that match the chakras.  I cannot tell the ones with yellowish tones apart anymore, so I just hold them.  I can see the amethyst, turquoise, and rose quartz.  And of course, one is black.  I know the root chakra is often red, but it can be represented by a black stone which I forget the name of, garnet perhaps.

     I listened to one of my talking books and got the laundry done before bed, as well having some nutrition and doing a full yoga session on my own.  I did what my friend said.  She reminded me of my wisdom, and I had forgotten my own self.  In Baba, people probably think that is what you are supposed to do.  Even in twelve step programs, there is an expression, "get out of self", but the actual meaning of that is doing service work, or karma yoga, so as not to dwell on one's own problems, which can be obsessive and nonconstructive.

     However, there are times when one needs to get inside oneself, one's essence, once again.  This helps, because believe it or not, even if all is gone it seems, and it seems like no one cares or you have no one and nothing and no one loves you, you have yourself.  I have myself.  I may have just about no one who appreciates me, but I can love myself, period, without permission.  

     The next right thing to do, doing the next right thing, another twelve step expression, is letting go.  Sometimes, one must let go of all that is no longer serving you.  Let others come and go as they will, and maintain alliance with the Tao, the true Sage, your higher power and higher self, the Holy Spirit thought system as A Course in Miracles says.  Whatever you call your higher power, is the same, whether it be Baba, Jesus, Buddha, Yahweh, etc.. 

     Meher Baba said that if you call out to God with all your heart, He will help you.  I am not quoting verbatim, which is why I did not add quotation marks.  I'll leave Baba's words to my brother.  

     Also, growing up at the Baba Center, I see how ineffectual it was, that everything I really learned, I learned after growing up there, not during, I am sorry to say, although the eastern thought system I admit I did learn, but not to love myself or yoga or meditation, all of which came from further seeking on my own for what was missing from my early faith.  Everyone has their own path, journey, to follow, and no one can judge another's.  We are all unique and yet all one, a collective, yet different.

     All I know is, I must stay on my path, or I will not survive this crazy world, which I can make crazy all on my own if not careful.  We all can.  Also, remember as I often forget, feelings are not facts.  Last night I said a mantra from A Course in Miracles.  It is actually a workbook lesson which says, "in my defenselessness my safety lies."  No matter how the world assaults you, you are safe in being defenseless.  This does not mean that one should not defend oneself, but if I lash out at others and do not let it be, I am only compounding the problem for myself.  Therefore, the safest place for me to be is defenselessness.

Recognizing the Need to Heal; the Most Evident Sign of Healing

     There are so many self-help movements, including twelve step programs.  I know the steps.  Been there, done that.  For those who find healing, true healing there, more power to you, but healing goes deeper than all that.
     When you finally realize that you cannot go on being abused by someone, ex: in your own family, like a toxic mother who may have NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, and you research help, no longer wanting to play the game, you are ready to heal.  I am not a counselor, therapist or doctor of any kind, accept a Reiki Master, but I have no credentials in psychology.  Still, the pain was bad enough for me to start doing the work, the research, looking for answers, being pragmatic.
     Society tells us that our mother loves or loved us.  This may be true for some.  I do love my children more than life itself, for they are my life.  However, some mothers really do not love their children.  Many self help books address this to daughters, but there are also mothers so sick, they cannot love sons either, nor grandchildren except on their own terms.  They may be meanest to the weakest, in their eyes, the single daughter, the disabled offspring, the female, the male, or the youngest, even the grandchild.  In other words, she goes down the food chain, so to speak, to whoever she finds most vulnerable.  This is a type of sadism.  She may not realize she is doing this, and it is nearly impossible to get inside her head.  I do not think that even she understands herself, except that she is a narcissist, and she is not well, although she thinks she is and can fool many people into thinking she is well, even to think her kids are the bad ones, but if outsiders have any sense, they can see through this.
     She also may have charisma, and be able to charm people, impress them with her wit, accomplishments, attractiveness, wealth, etc., and she sucks people in with it, but in reality it is all a farce.  She may have all these asserts, and will be nice to people when it suits her, so that they do not know what she really is like, or how cruel she really is, for ex: Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, written to expose her after her death by her children.  We see Joan Crawford on the movie screen and see a gorgeous actress. She even played very nice people in movies like Mildred Pierce.
     It is not these mothers' fault entirely.  They are toxic (sick), because someone in their upbringing, usually their mother, was sick, enabled by their father.  Perhaps we should feel compassion for them, but first and foremost we must feel compassion for our own suffering inflicted by this lack of love and genuine kindness from our own mother.
     Symptoms of daughters of 'mean mothers', (and I recommend the book, Mean Mothers, Heal the Legacy), are 1) feelings of being less than or inferior, even self loathing, 2) not being able to stand the sight of childhood pictures, because it reminds one of the lack of being loved and is repugnant to oneself,  3) feeling guilty, like it was our own fault our mother did not love or like us, 4) being swayed off guard at the slightest portrayal of kindness from our mother, in hopes again and again that things would change and she would finally love us once and for all, 5) eating disorders and self doubt, because our mother says we are too fat, not pretty enough, not thin enough, etc... 6) being an overachiever or underachiever, because we may be trying to prove ourselves, but our mother may have given us such a low idea of who we were, that we gave up, 7) she may manipulate us with false compliments or gifts, 8) she may be nasty when receiving a gift from us, because it is not good enough, even if we put a lot of thought and money into it, 9) she may out and out lie about inheritances that do not exist, promise to buy us a house, etc., but always fall through and never go through, 10) no matter our age she will throw us out, if we live with her, without warning or notice, even if we have no where to go, and even if we are a minor, under seventeen or eighteen years of age, 11) she is warped about sex, and may even encourage you to lose your virginity before ready, claiming something is wrong with you, and the next minute be insinuating that you are a promiscuous slut.
     The first sign of healing and growth are looking for answers, not just believing we are wrong, that we are unlovable, worthless, ugly, fat, etc..  It is not us.  It is them.  And, now we have the tools to heal through books like Mean Mothers..., meditation, deep breathing and yoga.  Reiki can help as well as acupuncture.  
     You also have to at one point, just stop all communication, because that is where boundaries begin.  Do no feel bad about not being there.  She was not there for you.  She did not love you, and any dictate of society is a lie.  You owe her nothing.  She may threaten about inheritances that as I said really do not exist, and even if you are an angel to her, she will treat you like crap in the end anyway, because that is what she 'gets off' on.  That is her thing.
      So, let go and be your own mother.  She did not love the little girl or boy you were, and she may not love you at all, but you deserve to love yourself.  You are a beautiful child of God, who does not need her approval to live.  You are beautiful, smart, and important.
     If I were to believe my mother, I would not be able to love the little girl in the picture attached to this article, but she is wrong.  I no longer need what is not serving me, and nor do you, male or female.

Yoga Breathing

     Recently I forgot to do conscious breathing along with my yoga practice.  I was very stressed out about family issues.
     I went through the motions of my yoga practice, minus the deep breathing and meditation.
     I ended up in severe pain in the entire chest area from collar bone, to sternum, to my whole rib cage.  I was in pain for hours with a heating pad, intermittently, sometimes waking up from the pain.  I feared it was my heart, but I never called an ambulance.
     Instead, the day we voted when my older son came home from Colorado, I finally went to the doctor where I went through extensive tests, including ECG, xrays, and blood tests. The doctor said I was very sore in the chest bones from not breathing deeply, due to stress.
     Now I am doing deep breathing during yoga, as well as whenever I remember.  I am also doing alternate nostril breathing, starting on the left for energy, right for relaxation.  You use the thumb and second finger of right hand, close off one nostril, breath in for four, hold both nostrils for six and breath out the other nostril for eight.  You start and end with the same nostril.  This gives clarity and groundedness and should be done in lotus, or Indian style position on the floor, yoga mat, bed or wherever you are most comfortable without noise or distraction, unless it is soft new age music.
     Penny, my yoga and Reiki Master teacher may correct me on anything pertaining to the yoga alternate nostril breathing, but that is how I remember being taught by her and others.  Namaste.  Remember to breath.  Shanti, shanti, shanti.

No More Course in Miracles

     Never put anyone on a pedestal.  It never works.  I know.   I have tried it, and it always ends in disaster.  I do not mean in romantic relationships, but in one on one human relations of any kind.  I have seen it objectively and experienced it subjectively many times.
     I have lost interest in the Course in Miracles, because although there are wonderful people who lecture, write books, speak, give classes, etc., but they are just people like you and me, including the writer of the book.
     Yes, I am sure Helen was inspired by Jesus, and perhaps he was with her, but the truth is, Jesus died and suffered on the cross. Baba followers will beg to differ.  I do not care. 
      Many Jews were crucified by the Romans.  Just read about Masada.  Jews were crucified in concentration camps during WWII.  Still I believe Jesus suffered for man and womankind and no one can ever compete with that, not even Meher Baba.  If so, why would Mehera, his beloved have to suffer so?  Just my opinion.
     Also, I am constantly asked why I don't come to India, especially by Indians who do not realize that some Americans are poor.  Are the people who get to India all the time because they are 'loaded' any more spiritual than the poor who can't go?  Or the disabled?  Look at this, liberal Baba followers.
     Not all Americans are the stereotype you think.

Breath, Just Breath

     I was experiencing crushing pains in my chest and sternum, solar plexus area for hours, thinking I was having a heart attack, but not wanting to call 911, because my son was coming home, we had to vote,....  
     After sleeping with a heating pad and using a hot water bottle at a friend's house where there was a dinner party, I finally went to the doctor.  
    They did an ECG, and the doctor found my ribs, sternum, and collar bone, all my chest bones tender when pressing.  Then they took two vials of blood to check for some kind of infection that starts with a c or something, some big long word I cannot pronounce, and did chest xrays.
     Everything was fine, thank God.  He said it was sore from stress, not breathing.  He demonstrated slow deep breathing.  I asked if I should stop doing yoga and working out, push-ups, etc..  He said keep exercising, and do deep breathing and yoga, then come back in a week.  I told him the things I was stressed about, which are too personal for my blog, and he gave me advice about my personal life.  
     I was really happy to leave without a prescription, to know what the pain was, to know it was not my heart or anything serious, felt I had gotten really good care, and was impressed that a doctor told me to do deep breathing and yoga.
     Truthfully, I had been forgetting to breath, even while doing yoga, because I do yoga at home, not in a class, because I cannot get to one.  I was just not breathing.  Since, I started breathing, I do not have any pain.  I know I was breathing, but not deep enough.
     I learned something.  I was afraid to exercise, though, and I still do not want to do push-ups and sit-ups yet, until I am sure the pain will not come back, but I started my yoga practice back, with deep breathing to go with it.  I should probably go back to my meditation practice, and pausing.  Sometimes, you just have to remember to discipline yourself to do these things, because there are so many things to do each day, even if you do not go to work.  You still have to run a house, shop, cook, pay bills, etc..  Namaste.

Exhausting Dreams

     I am exhausted from my dreams.  My dad died almost fifteen years ago, and he was blind and then sick in the end, and I took care of him in part til the end.  A month ago or more, my boyfriend, Alan, died.
     Alan, my father, and my grandfather who died when I was twenty were all in my dream.  Three people in my life who have died, all in the same dream.
     The theme with Alan was jealousy and insecurity, because I was jealous believe it or not when Alan had stage four cancer.  I did not think I was, but I said, "why don't you just hang out with Angela?"
     Alan said I was jealous, and I was like, "what are you talking about?"
     Alan said, "English is both of our first language."
     Well, in my dream, Alan was feeling rejected by Angela and told me she was more attractive than me.
     The next thing I know, I am helping my blind, sick father down these steep, dangerous swinging stairs, and I am visually impaired now in my dreams, so I am having trouble seeing, and my grandfather who has been dead for thirty years is walking behind us.  We all made it down safely, but it was really scary.
     It is obvious, I am insecure about my looks, especially since I am getting older.  I felt rejected and jealous about Alan, and I am still processing his death.
     Helping my father and grandfather represents my care giving nature, and the fact that I did have to help them both, and now I feel I have to take care of them, and I am disabled myself now.  Also, it has always been the males in my family who have needed me, my grandfather, my father, my sons and my brother.  Also, some boyfriends, including Alan who died.  I used to give Alan Reiki while we waited for the heavy pain medication to kick in.  He was in so much pain, it made me cry.  
     Alan and I were broken up, but still close when he died, so he was no longer technically my boyfriend.  Also, he was still married to this woman in Germany he had kids with.  Whenever she would bring the kids to visit him, before we knew he was sick, I would break up with him until she was gone, because I felt their relationship was awfully close, and it made me suspicious.  
     I feel I rejected Alan when he was dying, because he was at my house and I said, "I have a date."  What kind of person tells her dying ex boyfriend of six years she has a date.  My date came while Alan was there, and I introduced them.  My date dumped me that night, and the next night Alan and I were lying down together and I was crying.  I don't know if I was crying because Alan was dying or because I got dumped by my new romantic prospect.
     Alan said, "he was so insensitive.  I told him I had cancer, so he would not see me as a threat.  Then the whole time you were getting ready, he just kept looking at your but.  I thought 'what a lustful person.' "
        
                   The End